Lady Killer

September 1st, 2002

The first bloody masacre of 2002 occured on august 20th. I, Hanibal Hänni, tyrant of southwest Virginia did not rest until they were utterly destroyed. I killed them all - big, small, young old, infants, whatever. I didn’t care. In fact I delighted at their misfortune - I smiled with evil glee during the hostile take-over - i thoroughlly enjoyed watching them writhe, and ball up fetus-like in excruciating pain. I killed them all… I killed those bastard ants that have the misfortune of living in my room.

Yeah, forgive me for ever complaining about cockroaches in Megg. I’d take those buggers anyday, if only I could be rid of the ant infestation in Payne.

Yeah Payne is all fancy schmancy with it’s AC and crap, but like the ants here are HORRIBLE. They are all teeny-tiny and red, and they are EVERYWHERE. I think i saw my first ant here about one week into move-in. At that point it was no big deal. A teeny ant here, a teeny ant there. Then one day, I noticed the little flakes of food I left on Boris and Paulo’s fish tanks were gone every night. The ant-bandits were stealing food out the mouths of my babes.

And I thought “oh no, they di’int”.

So I just sealed up Boris and Paulo’s food, and didn’t worry anymore about the bandits. - But then something terrible happened. The ants, like mold on cheese, multiplied and became fruitful. One night I noticed them crawling in and out my keyboard searching for crumbs. They were crawling into a jar of peanut butter, and started fraternizing around my vanity. Then i noticed a couple hundred hiking across my bee collection in my window sill. You just don’t mess - You don’t mess with the bee collection.

That night I went on the rampage. I took stripped down to my skivies, cranked up some punk rock and sent a bleach-soaked sponge on a search and destroy mission. Thousands fell that night, and for a day or so, hannihouse was ant free. Predictably, they came back in droves. Babyface bwicklin, with his thinking cap on, was smart enough to think to purchase raid anttraps.

Within two hours of putting those little pods of death in my room, the ants were invisible. I had finally succeeded in overthrowing their coup. And I was like I’m back baby. Don’t mess with a lady!

Today i found a couple hundred on the sink again, but a good bath of bleach seems to have decimated their ranks. I’m thinking of calling the exterminator - that or inventing a ghetto-homemade sprayer thing and sending bleach into the floorboards.

Watch out ants - the lady-killer is out, and she’s got yo’ ass in check!

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