T & A On The Grocery PA

February 19th, 2006

Whilst cruising down the grocery store aisles at Publix, I heard a funny announcement. A sleepy voice, employing a dead-on Ben Steinesque monotone called out over the intercom:

“Rolls to bakery… rolls to bakery.”

Upon hearing the call for crusty bread, I began to snicker. And then guffaw. Eventually I started snorting… very loudly. So loudly in fact, that a small child, upon hearing the supersonic noises emitted from my left nostril, exclaimed “Mommy! Mommy! That’s the sound a pig makes!”


And he didn’t even need to see me in front of a carton of Edy’s Double Fudge Brownie to know that. What a smart kid.

mariah_in_bikini.jpgMariah Carey in a bikini: I don’t think I’m ready for that jelly.

Anyway, because I love playing Nancy Drew, and because my brain is so fantastical, I immediately began creating scenarios to explain the roll sitch.

The obvious first response –the one I employ when *anything* goes missing, be it socks, shoes, belly button lint, etc – is that Mariah Carey ate them. Anyone who’s seen Mimi in a bikini that’s four sizes too small knows that this is a perfectly plausible explanation… but I digress.

A second possibility, (and in my mind the more logical one), is that fresh out of the oven, the Publix hot cross buns, overhearing a conversation betwixt frat boys, misunderstood when HornyJoe said “I’d like to squeeze those melons.”

Taking the melon thing quite literally, the bite-sized dinner breads quickly made haste to the produce department. Once there they got all snuggly-like with the honeydews and cataloupes, in hopes that they’d get a feel up.

This is not too crazy when you consider most buns like a little squeeze every once in a while.

*ba dum bum ching*

Anyway, and in a disappointing turn of events, after staking out the bakery (having found a cozy niche adjacent the lemon meringues and layer cakes), I located the person to whom the “rolls to bakery” page was made. A moon-faced mama in her mid-50’s, the employee whose nametag said Rose, well she had a hairnet and predilection for pastries.

So that solved it. “Rolls to the bakery” was actually “Rose to bakery.” Apparently I need a hearing aid. And some crazy pills. And maybe a ThighMaster Gold, because - call me crazy - bun squeezing actually sounds kind of sexy.

Ooh la la!

16 Haus Calls for “T & A On The Grocery PA”

  1. Island Girl Says:

    omg, I love your blog. Firstly because I share your ‘affection’ for Mariah but mostly because you write so well.
    LOVE IT!

  2. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    ROLLS??? hmmm.. maybe they were making that announcement on the coco chanel

    get it? chanel… CHANNEL??? MARIAH??? ROLLS????

    HAH!! Good thing I went to church this morning… lets me be twice as nitchy today! ;)

  3. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    nitchy… bitchy… whatever. it’s all the same when you’re making fun of Mimi, right?


  4. Dima Says:

    Oh lord! Where do you find these nasty pictures of Mimi? I should be careful and not eat before I look at your blog!

  5. ScottyGee Says:

    Did someone say bun squeezing? PA at your service!

  6. gary Says:

    Too bad your blog doesn’t have audio. I’d love to hear you snort like a pig.

  7. Cody Says:

    Gah. I’d like to meet the engineer who had to hand craft that top. Poor guy.

  8. Amanda B. Says:

    Bwahahaha. Poor Mimi.

  9. Hänni Says:

    Island Girl - Awww I love you too!

    Cze-Johnson Carrie - Ha ha. Yeah I got the coco channel thing. And I totally thought you were being g-rated on the Sabbath by saying “nitchy” instead of “bitchy.” I should’ve known better than. Cze-Johnson Carrie doesn’t ever take a break from bitchiness. Hurrah for that!

    Dima - Dude. I’m so sorry. From now on I’ll have to be sure and post a big huge disclaimer “Don’t look if you are squeamish/prone to barfing at the site of the bovine.”

    ScottGee - LOL!

    gary - Well I don’t have a microphone or anything, but (and I think anyone who’s heard it would agree) it’s pretty distinctly porkesque.

    cody - Hope that guy doesn’t build bridges b/c that bikini is sorely lacking in the support department.

    Amanda B - Poor bikini is more like it. How would you like to lug those things around all day?

  10. Amelia Says:

    I wonder if her Who-haws are real, they might just be all her fat rolls pushed up into her chest.
    Ps. who really, when they’re like 40-50 something, can pull of a suit like that! Just looking at that makes me want to hurl. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. william Says:

    I thought maybe it was going to be a Rolles to the bakery.

  12. Alanna Says:

    Poor Mimi. I feel so sorry for her. All those ROLLS…so many cameras. Sigh..

    P.S. I have officially made a gang of haters who hates seeing Mariah Carey in a bikini. Mwahah.

  13. stampy Says:

    Hanni-You continue to RAWK! I have a list (one day I will start posting Stampy’s Lists on my blog) of reasons why I’m SOOO glad i’m not famous. It includes things like “Don’t have to watch myself in ex-boyfriends bad rock video” (e.g. Tawny Kitane, Stephanie Seymour). Now I’ll have to add, “No pictures of me on internet in horrific tiny bikini with bad boob job drinking red wine out of champagne glass (horrors, so tacky). Thanks for keepin’ me real.

  14. Sassy8877 Says:

    I had to read that twice … coffee hadn’t kicked in yet, but on second thought, had I been sipping coffee at that exact second moment read, I would have spit it out all over my keyboard with laughter.


  15. Nicole B. Says:

    Agreed Alanna, Mimi is also in serious need of a tan. Poor thing may not be able to fit into a tanning bed anymore. Cheer up Mimi, They sell the extra long Towel sheets now for the Beach.

  16. url Says:

    Reminds me of a couple of over ripe watermelons in the hot southern sun right on the verge of bursting open but kept there with just a hint of shade from a golden leaf or two. Reminds me too of my Mama long, long ago.

Make a Haus Call