Two Left Feet

March 7th, 2006

It’s been too long since I sat in this chair and punched out a proper post. It’s been more than 12,960 minutes (or 9 days) since I’ve been gone y’all. The whirlwind that was AK Vackay 2006 completed, like K-Fed’s skeezy corn rows, I’m back.

maaa_lilly.jpgMaaa and munchkin.

The 13-hour trip from Anchorage to Orlando was fairly uneventful. The jet departed on time and on course at 12:55 am. Sleepy and a bit sad - I wasn’t ready to leave Maaa and the munchkins, and I had that nostalgic/home sick/the-flood-gates-are-about-to-bust type tickle in my throat - once boarded, I immediately hunkered down with a felt blanket, closed my eyes and went to sleep. But first, because cabin pressure causes your feet to expand, I kicked off my clogs.

I only woke up a couple of times during the 5 hour flight to Salt Lake. Once I was craving soy crisps and cranberries, so I fed my face. Twice I opened my eyes, startled and aghast, when my drool, extreme in its volume and dispersion, soaked right through my blanket.

Seriously, it was like a freaking tidal wave had gone through. Forget about stop, drop and roll. If I was ever in a fire, I’d do just as well to stop, drop and drool.

Anywho, when the plane touched down, I gathered my carry-ons, slipped on my shoes, and exited the aircraft. As I got to the jet way, I began to feel a discomforting pain –and no, it wasn’t in my ass; the kittinks and Angel were home in Florida after all. *ba dum bum ching*

No, the pain was in the meaty part of my foot, right behind the toes, just before the arch. With every step I took, the vexatious sensation became more and more excruciating.

As I ambled toward the terminal, I began quietly cursing the airline and its pressurized planes.

I imagined my feet - like Beyonce’s voluptuous booty - had grown to elephantine proportions. And by the time I made it to a seating area, I was wild with panic.

With much apprehension, I sat myself down and looked toward my tootsies. I was prepared for ginormous and grotesque. I was not prepared for what I actually saw.

With neck careened to the carpet, imagine my delight and discomfiture when I saw this:


Apparently the fact that I do everything ack-basswards translated into a tricky sitch when, upon deplaning, I put my clogs on the wrong feet.

No, I am not six. Yes, I am special.

Addendum OK, so I just checked my e-mail. With “ahem” in the subject line, hannihaus reader, sent a link to this.

Sheesh. And I thought I made the jokes around here.
Join my map please.

11 Haus Calls for “Two Left Feet”

  1. Alanna Says:

    Nice. I did that once. I kept on wondering why everyone was looking at me like I was retarded.

    Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

  2. SORM Says:

    ahhh, that’s my Hanni! ;)

  3. Dima Says:

    Oh special doesn’t even begin to describe you honey! You are way beyond special. You’re so special, your bus has two seats :)

  4. Hänni Says:

    Alanna - I’ve done it so many times it’s just not funny… or maybe it is. Glad to hear you’re right here with me babe.

    SORM - ;) We like you too dude.
    Dima - Short bus! LOL!

  5. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:


    I feel so much better now that you’re back on the right coast. so sad to hear your return trip got off on the wrong foot, though.

    HAH! oh… even after all this time, I still slay. ;)

  6. miss marisol Says:

    Your cleverness never stops. Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Till the break-a break-a dawn.

  7. divinecalm Says:

    LMAO!!!!!!! Soooooo funny!

  8. gary Says:

    Forget about how it felt. How did it look? It could be your new fashion statement.

  9. Erin Mc Says:

    I wonder if people noticed…. I am a shoe looker, so I probably would have. Hehe. Too funny…

  10. ScottyGee Says:

    Those shoes probably went perfectly with your excessive drooling.

  11. Hänni Says:

    cze-johnson carrie - You *always* slay.

    miss marisol - ditto princess.

    divinecalm - Yep, that’s my life… walking gag reel. Glad you enjoy it!

    gary - It looked RETARTED. I’m not sure that when people see me I want them to think “that girl looks like a Jerry Lewis Kid” - no offense to Jerry Lewis Kids, of course.

    Erin MC - I am *not* a shoe looker, obviously, as I traipsed around the airport for a good long while before realizing my fashion faux pas.

    ScottyGee - Oh touche!

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