Freezing In the 49th

February 28th, 2006

I was supposed to be here in December, but a little something called Mystery Malady sidelined those plans. Instead of being home with Maaa and Popi, communing over cocoa, I spent my holidays confined to a sickbed in Florida –my only respite from which was to visit a doctor who put her finger in my kiester.

…Because nothing says holiday cheer like a pointer in the patoot… at least that’s what I kept telling myself.

So finally, and at long last, I’ve made it north to Alaska. From sunny state to snow state, when I left Orlando it was a comfortable, 80 degrees. When I got to Anchorage, it was slightly colder at 6-below-effing-zero(!).

In case you’ve never experienced 6-below-effing-zero(!), it’s really cold. Like boogers-freezing-in-your-face cold. Like having-an-electric-plug-on-your-car cold. Like the-critics-reception-to-Mariah-Carey’s-Glitter (AKA “the crapperpiece”) cold.

So yes, having had this bone-chilling experience, I can safely say that it is only by the grace of God, and the Buick’s butt warmers, that I am here typing today, and not sitting on the tundra somewhere, a frozen organic-raisin flavored popsicle.

God bless the bun warmer –I may be little in the middle, but I got much (freezing ass) back.

Mariah Carey On Marie Claire_1.JPGMariah Carey displays twinkie chic at the Marie Claire photo shoot.

So speaking of the Divine Miss Bovine - (I’m talking about Mariah Carey here, not my booty) - I was tickled when, standing in line at the grocery, Popi pointed to a mag with the Singing Diva on the cover and immediately began mocking it.

Indeed, dressed in a body-hugging lemon-colored shift, Mariah Carey looked so lardaceous, I can’t believe it’s not butter…

But I digress.

Anyway, for a minute or two, Popi and me, we had a grand old time. But then, as is his check stand custom, Popi felt the need to do his patented two-step-rip.

…And then fun and games were over, the cashier and several innocent bystanders left gagging in the wake.

You see, like Pavlov’s dogs salivating at the sound of a bell, any time - and I mean any time - Popi is at a cashier station he will inevitably rock back and forth on his heels, first lifting one butt cheek, then the next.

When Michael Jackson does this kind of fancy footwork, it’s usually followed by a crotch grab. When Popi does it, the finale is the firing of a stink torpedo.

When I was small, this heinous hoe-down was awfully embarrassing. Even on Mother’s day, his arms piled high with cake and confections, every year Dad somehow found a way to tip himself up and toot one out for an unsmiling teenager in a supermarket smock.

Because I’m grown, I can appreciate Popi’s eccentricities, and I wanted to laugh at his oh-so-predictable public blast of the trouser trumpet. But the thing is, it wasn’t very funny…

Mostly because I was standing downwind.

Oh man, it’s good to be home. ________________________________________________________

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14 Haus Calls for “Freezing In the 49th”

  1. Adrienne Says:

    Eh, it was -24 degrees here two fridays ago, for the high. Your -6 don’t impress me much! At least your car still starts at -6…

  2. Sassy8877 Says:

    Nooooo more cold talk - you talkin’ de crazy talk now!

  3. Manuel Says:


    Paige and Lilly are so cute!

  4. Amber Says:

    wow…you’re so close and yet it’s too cold for me to care! :(

    Have a great time during our cold snap!

  5. url Says:

    My, oh my! How you do digress! And such embellishment too! First you blame your Maaa for farting in the car during the carwash when there was no escape and then you blame your dear old Pop for relaxing the spinxter just as you were thinking of fine Corinthian leather. Must have been the mimi on the shelf irritating yer bowels agin. Gotta say though that I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile. The tears washed out the last of the onions in my eyes from last night’s vegan gourmet feast. Thanks for that, MoChile. Good luck, Blaze.

  6. gary Says:

    I had forgotten that visit you and your carrots made to the doctor. But I’ll bet she hasn’t forgotten you. I’ve heard of Carrot Top. She probably calls you ‘Carrot Bottom’

  7. Dima Says:

    I love mountains. I love MiMi. I love magazine. I love lamp! I love carpet. I love desk.

  8. Alanna Says:

    Today it was -30.

    Suck it up. =P

  9. Hänni Says:

    Adrienne - Good lord girlfriend! A high of -24? I hope you bundled yourself in tons of blankets and then drank some good gourmet cocoa. Damn!

    Sassy8877 - I’m always talking da crazy talk!

    Manuel - Aww thanks. I like ‘em - mostly b/c auntie has yet to change a diaper. Hee!

    Amber - I know! The cold always ruins everything - makes your face hurt, makes you look bad in public when bundled in your embarrasingly huge parka - d’ah. Let’s meet up next time I’m in AK, which will - after this harrowing experience - definetly have to occur when we are sans snow here in the 49th.

    url - OMG dad. You can not blame the grocery store debauchle on me. Even I wouldn’t take credit for that one. I do, however, take credit for doing the vegan sneak-in on dinner the other night. You loved it.

    gary - lol! Clever as always.

    Dima - I love Dima.

    Alanna - Oh holy lord. Where do you live? An igloo in antarctica. Poor thing!

  10. william Says:

    So I did not watch Barbara Walters Special last night because of Mariah being on it. I thought of you with my boycott.

  11. Hänni Says:

    William - Good for you! You’re so hardcore. Somewhere out there I’m sure Mimi is shedding a tear b/c of your boycott. But don’t worry - she’ll cheer herself up with a slurpee or something.

  12. url Says:

    Guess you didn’t see me sneak the shrimp into the vegan sneak-in dinner.

  13. stampy Says:

    First of all, new post please. I need my ret”art”ed fix. Where are you Hanni? Second, am I the only one who thinks planning an AK vaca in February is insane-ay. Here’s how it works. Your family in Alaska comes to Florida during the winter. You go visit them in Alaska during the summer. Tada! Best of both worlds. Of course, you’d have to switch grocery stores if dear old dad let one rip in FL. Farts are just not as funny there. So sad.

  14. Cody Says:

    Where did this post come from? Did it mysteriously appear from another dimension? I could have swore it wasn’t here a couple days ago. I wear some pretty thick bottle caps, but I can’t blame everything on those.

    Oh, well. If I’d seen this post earlier, I would’ve served up some hot pith. But dagnabit, it’ll feel dated now.

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