When the Shark Bites

May 1st, 2003

Well kids, it’s officially over. My days as a college student are numbered as all that stands between me and my degree are two final exams. And I think about the multiples of final exams that I have endured throughout my years in academia, and know that these two are not gonna bend me over - they are mere formalities in the grand scheme to graduate.

And like the return of McRib, this, my friend, is cause to celebrate. Being as I am never one to go against the conventions of celebratory socializing, it is not unusual that I found myself in the company of friends last night. It is not unusual that I found myself in the company of friends and French Hookers last night, albeit French Hookers of the beverage persuasion.

As most of the posse are graduating in 1.2 weeks, I felt it was important, nay crucial, that a final hurrah be held in our collective honor. And so, as we had done so many times in our lives together, we headed to homebase at Sharkeys. While the boys cupped their hands around huge mugs the size of small pitchers, I was careful to pick the cherrys from my amaretto sour, popping each delicious marachino into my eager mouth.

And we talked about the things that really matter: friendship, freshmen, work, school, girls. In fact, the topic of girls was so intriguing to a few in our party that an attempt was made to move away from the discussion of girls to the photographing of girls, or shall I say parts of girls. At one point, we had the pleasure of meeting a nice gentlemen (sarcastic) who inquired into the happenings of our table. Apparently he didn’t appreciate Toan’s notice of his girlfriend’s voluptous figure. Apparently, photographing the girl’s boobs was frowned upon in the establishment.

And so, to avoid a late night brawl, it made sense to change locales. Our next stop: Waterstreet Gallery, a place were girls and guys go to shake their bon bon until all hours of the morning. It was at Waterstreet where we had our first, but not last sighting of a very masculine transsexual going femme by way of early 90’s Cher/In Living Color fly girl.

Unfortunately, not long after we arrived at Waterstreet, the lights when up and the crowd dissipated. The boys all got some last minute mack on though, thanks in large part to Angelface. I was very proud of Angel for leading our single boys not into temptation, but delivering them from the valley of a Saturday night despair. It aint easy being a dude an engineering school; the typical Tech party can only be described as a sausagefest, where lads out number the ladies in great multitudes.

All that dancing and debauchery can sure work up and appetite, and so it was that with happy feet and hungry tummys that the gang found themselves eating cheeseburgers at the ‘D (Micky D’s, that is), at the oh so early hour of 2:30 a.m. It seems other people had the same notion to dine on some greasy vittles, as our friend, the manly transsexual, was also dining at the fine establishment.

The ambiance at McDonalds was simply delightful - the entertainment was spectacular. It seemed that every hungry nucklehead in Blacksburg was dining at the ‘D last night, and every last one of them was lookin to pick a fight. The most startling assailant: a tall blonde in a *very* tight v-neck t-shirt. Apparently she didn’t like it when the random dude in the fuschia shirt yelled “You have HUGE tits!” loud enough that it essentially echoed throughout the hallowed halls of fastfood-dom.

She screamed right back, but it wasn’t about his tits. I believe it was something to the effect of “f- you asshole. I’m gonna beat your ass right now.” The busty blonde then vanished from the restaurant, while the dude in the fuschia shirt chuckled nervously while wetting himself.

Yes, dear readers, last night was truly magical; a night that will not soon be forgotten. The company was good, the drinks were cold and the transsexuals were out full force. When I look back on my college years I won’t remember the textbooks or teachers. I won’t remember the exams, projects and required reading. The things I take with me from this great institution of higher learning will be the things I have written of today: friends, fun and trips to the D’.

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