Salad Shooter

December 20th, 2005

First off, I just want to let everyone know, I am indeed, alive. I want to thank all my hannihaus readers for their kind words and thoughts during this harrowing time, and would like to announce that having gone four days now without eating hospital food, my spirits (and goodly-functioning bowels) have been restored.

Second off, and on a related note, I want to let everyone know, if you’d like to freak out your ob/gyn do the following:

Eat about 2.5lbs of carrots in a 24-hour time period.

If you’re like me, you’ll want to do this because you’re a Nutrition Nazi who knows that carrots have the awesome ability to clean your liver and rebalance your body after it’s experienced the trauma of - let’s say – explosive diarrhea made possible by hospital hospitality.

(Because nothing says “We care” like a colon-blowing cocktail of Crystal Lite + Barium, but I digress.)

But yes, even if you’re not like me, you may still want to make like Bugs Bunny and scarf some carrots, because if nothing else, it makes things pretty entertaining in the powder room, if you get my meaning.

(Know how if you put a tree in a wood chipper it’ll spit out perfect little nuggets of wood? Carrots work the same way. My Indian name is she-who-makes-big-carrots-turn-into-baby-carrots, but I digress - again!)

So yeah, the ob/gyn… if, after having eaten copious amounts of carrots, you should find that your doctor requires a rectal exam, don’t sweat it. The finger in the kiester is not that bad, and the resultant conversation is even better!

3lbs carrots (organic, of course): $3
Office visit to ob/gyn to figure out cause of mysterious malady: $15
Hearing your doctor, post finger-in-fanny, stop mid-sentence to ask “uh… what did you eat today?”: Priceless

16 Haus Calls for “Salad Shooter”

  1. mrtl Says:

    Go Orange Poopy! First time it happened with Bug, it freaked me out!

  2. Phineahs Gray Says:

    Too funny. I don’t think I would want any comment at all after a rectal exam. For one reason I don’t know if I could think of a good answer with a finger, or two in my last experience, up me bumb.

  3. Dima Says:

    But your skin turns orange too. Like fake tanning, but not as cancerous for the skin!

  4. Cody Says:

    I’m always learning something on the internet.

  5. Hänni Says:

    mrtl - I bet it did! It kind of freaked me out at first, but now I’ve come to embrace it… not everyone can claim orange poo.

    Phineahs Gray - Seriously, maybe you’re freaked out by the two-finger salute, but if you were a woman, I think you’d totally be more offended by the actual women’s exam which is much more invasive and involves metal calipers. Ick!

    Dima - Yes, I am orangy now. Thought it might be a nice change from that sallow yellow that the manicurist was so afraid of.

    Cody - Aint it great?

  6. divinecalm Says:


  7. ScottyGee Says:

    Dear Lord, Hanni. Just when I think there are no lines left to be crossed, there you are. =) The bum finger stinks. I had to get a bum finger with a hot nurse watching. I cried like an infant who wants organic raisins. Well, not really, butt… It was the awkwardness and shame and not the pain. I think doctors should have to buy you a drink after they stick anything inside your naughty places. Hehehee. Especially when there are observers. =)

  8. Erin Says:

    Glad you are feeling better. I have had a rumbly in my tumbly as of late, so I didn’t have the chance to wish you a speedy recovery.

    And I have yet to get a finger up the poop-shoot yet, and I know it’s protocol, but man, that is an exit only hole.

  9. Hänni Says:

    Divinecalm - Exactly! If you can’t see the humor in a rectal exam, well I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

    ScottyGee - Thank God it was only me, the doc and two swift fingers. And yes, doctors should give you a stiff drink sans-fingers, but instead they give you a nice, big bill and some handiwipes. It’s all a bit unsettling really.

    Erin - Feel better you. Those stomach aches are a real bitch. And you shouldn’t fear the finger - as I said, regular exams are MUCH worse.

  10. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:


    stop right now…..

    I really am crying over here. CRYING!!!!!

    I am *SO* sorry for the (pardon the pun) SHIT you’ve been going through….. but dear lord THANK YOU for sharing. frigging hilarious!

  11. Dima Says:

    OH, I just remembered what this reminded me of. One week all I ate was salad, and I ate a lot of beets with it! ‘Nuf said!

  12. Hänni Says:

    Cze-Johnson Carrie - You think that’s hilarious, you should’ve been there when I saw the ultrasound probe. I was like “That’s going WHERE?!”

    Dima - Yum, luv me some beet-rich salad.

  13. Amanda B. Says:

    Keep feeling better and have a Happy Holiday!

  14. Vi Says:

    yikes — haven’t you had a week! doesn’t get much better hopefully.


    make-up is a cure for many ills.

  15. Sassy8877 Says:

    That was better than spiked eggnog!!

  16. miss marisol Says:

    Note to Hannihaus readers: She means that you should eat the carrots. Do not just insert them directly into hind quarters to try and make the woodchipper thing happen.

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