First off, I just want to let everyone know, I am indeed, alive. I want to thank all my hannihaus readers for their kind words and thoughts during this harrowing time, and would like to announce that having gone four days now without eating hospital food, my spirits (and goodly-functioning bowels) have been restored.
Second off, and on a related note, I want to let everyone know, if you’d like to freak out your ob/gyn do the following:
Eat about 2.5lbs of carrots in a 24-hour time period.
If you’re like me, you’ll want to do this because you’re a Nutrition Nazi who knows that carrots have the awesome ability to clean your liver and rebalance your body after it’s experienced the trauma of - let’s say – explosive diarrhea made possible by hospital hospitality.
(Because nothing says “We care” like a colon-blowing cocktail of Crystal Lite + Barium, but I digress.)
But yes, even if you’re not like me, you may still want to make like Bugs Bunny and scarf some carrots, because if nothing else, it makes things pretty entertaining in the powder room, if you get my meaning.
(Know how if you put a tree in a wood chipper it’ll spit out perfect little nuggets of wood? Carrots work the same way. My Indian name is she-who-makes-big-carrots-turn-into-baby-carrots, but I digress - again!)
So yeah, the ob/gyn… if, after having eaten copious amounts of carrots, you should find that your doctor requires a rectal exam, don’t sweat it. The finger in the kiester is not that bad, and the resultant conversation is even better!
3lbs carrots (organic, of course): $3
Office visit to ob/gyn to figure out cause of mysterious malady: $15
Hearing your doctor, post finger-in-fanny, stop mid-sentence to ask “uh… what did you eat today?”: Priceless