Games Are Lame

April 12th, 2006

Hi, my name is Hänni.

I am irreconcilably bitchy.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m listening to a lot of screamo lately, or if the sugar-free/wheat-free/dairy-free lifestyle is going to my head, but damn!  The littlest shit is setting me off.

Today the cornucopia of my wrath is teaming with the yams and maize of my repulsion towards online gaming.

If you’re hardxcore into Internet role playing, you probably won’t like what I have to say ….And you’re probably 36, living at home, wondering what a real booby feels like.

For the record, I hear they feel like jello.  In my case they just feel like small.

But anyway, the dudes at my work are obsessed with this war-themed computer game.  They talk about it  I don’t think my cubiclemates can go one mother-lovin’ afternoon without saying something about snipers or maps or killing virtual villains.

This is disturbing.

Especially when you hear a grown man shout, “You shot my privates!” from the confines of his cubicle.

…Perhaps the only thing more disturbing than this geekspeak is my coworker Buddy’s frequent shouts of “fire in the hole!” More jarring than this announcement is the blast of stench that proceeds it … but that’s a different story for a different day.

But anyway, yeah.  I can’t stand games.  And every day, as work is winding down, a gaggle of geeks starts playing them.  And it’s not like they’re discreet about it. No, they gotta have their speakers on full-effing-blast so as to flood my space with the annoying sounds of digital gun fire.

And then there’s the swearing.  Something happens when otherwise decent men flip the switch on this role playing shit.  Everything out of their mouth is “eff this, eff that, eff YOU!”

It’s excessive.  And I worry that they’re using up the world’s supply of “eff.”  I’d hate to be the one to tell the Osbournes “No more ‘eff’ for you.  These geeks in a cube farm in Florida have used it all up.”

And my co-workers just don’t understand why I won’t join the gaming nerdherd.  “It’s so much fun,” they say.

Yeah.  I bet.   I’m sure it’s just as fun as that time in junior high when my best friend told our lunch table I had chronic halitosis.  Everybody laughed at me.  And then I developed a complex.

Games are for nerds.
AI Cocktail Countdown update: The Internet has spoken.  Carmel Coke is out.  If that was your favorite, too bad.  Keep voting.  We’ll knock one more off next Monday.

25 Haus Calls for “Games Are Lame”

  1. Christoph Says:

    Actually, what I say is, “Son of a monkey’s ass”! But only when I get really mad! I told you I would skin one of the guys with Gerard’s face if that would get you to play. I guess thats a negative Ghost Rider?

    Jello? I always thought they felt like a bag of sand! You’ve destroyed my whole fantasy!

    4 in the kooch!

  2. FancyPants Says:

    I can understand people who don’t play games, but your passionate hatred for video games is startling. I am beginning to think this links back to a bad childhood experience or deprivation. Did you ever own a Nintendo or Atari? It could be a envy complex where you always wanted to participate but were not allowed? Or maybe you were beat so hardcore in mario brothers that you decided you will spend the rest of your life hating games?

  3. Dima Says:

    fancyPants, I still love you. Atari is still my favorite. I love seeing the pixels that look like blobs do something. I’m not into the real-life like figures and all that gore and blood. I just want my pixelized circule to go around eating dots!

    Maybe Hanni’s frog got run over way too many times! If this sentence doesn’t make sense to you, you’re dead to me!

  4. Christoph Says:

    FancyPants may be on to something here…

    Were you ever ultra frustrated and tired at the thought of jumping over barrels that were thrown at you by a big ape? Was your ostridge non-cooperative whilst trying to Joust® your opponents off of their flying beasts? Did you find it difficult to punch in Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start just before ravaging the enemy in an astonishing 8-bit environment? Was the Power Glove® not what you had hoped it to be? Did the marbles really drive you mad? Did you have trouble finding the point to A Boy and His Blob®? Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Food Nazi party?

    One or more of these experiences could be contributing to your disorder. You should participate in something übernerdy like World of Warcraft® to combat this horrible affliction. FancyPants may still have his 10-day trial disc to pass on. Otherwise…

    4 in the axis of evil kooch!

  5. FancyPants Says:

    I have to agree Dima, those are the best games ever. I still have more fun consuming dots and navigating frogs in traffic and shooting bees in space than sniping off heads and blowing holes in the chests of my co-workers.

  6. Dima Says:

    FancyPants, will you be my baby daddy?

  7. Phyrephly Says:

    I think the bigger issue here is your fixation with parts of the male genetalia. How could you possibly construe “You shot my Private” with anything other than the poor man’s soldiers were killed.

    And “Fire in the hole”, I can’t fathom another meaning than the gentleman was attempting to prevent blowing up his own privates by informing them like he should.

  8. Christoph Says:

    FancyPants, weren’t your privates the ones in question yesterday? I’ll tell you one thing - Mr. Frogger would never put HIS on the line - unless he had to cross the street…. oh… or a river… for no obvious reason… but I digress. Shooting bees in space… the best thing since jumping on boxes that light up and dodging rattle snakes and other vile creatures.

  9. Hänni Says:

    Christoph - As much as I love Gerard, I’m going to have to give you a big NEGATORY on me ever playing that game. And while I don’t get any of the references you made in the “®” comment, I will in deed admit to being a Nutrition Nazi.

    Fancypants - Actually nintendo was not allowed in our house growing up. We were expected to play OUTSIDE and use our IMAGINATION instead.

    Dima - You are so going to hook up with fancy.

    Phyrephly - Hey you! You started this mess. You are the King of Game Nerds, after all. PS, wouldn’t you be disturbed if i *wasn’t* fixated on male genitalia?

  10. url Says:

    You are enough, just as you are.

  11. Christoph Says:

    That’s true Hänni! Just as you are!

  12. SportsStar Says:

    Moderation. That is what I say. Err, except for my habit of constantly eating my Baked Cheesy treats I love so much. But really, it does make you ponder why these otherwise, dare I say it, normal guys stay at work till all hours of the night playing the same game over, and over and over until they think they really live in the world of make believe guns and combat. Maybe the effects of being stuck in a cube farm day after day is responsible for this delusion in their heads. Or maybe there are other underlying problems that they are trying to escape. Has their home life become just too unbearable? Has the nagging wife become too much for them to handle? Is venturing out into the real world just too scary?

    Maybe it’s time to put down the mouse and experience live outside the digital realm.

  13. FancyPants Says:

    SportsStar, I have the option of either going home and being bored (or falling straight to sleep) for several hours or I can stay at work and get a few kicks off blowing away my co-workers and watch them get mad which is always amusing because it’s such a childish anger. I am even victim to it myself sometimes when I am in a particularly cranky mood. Admit it, if you knew a co worker was going to pound his mouse on the desk until you hear the sound of tiny plastic pieces flying you would stay too!

  14. gary Says:

    Next time he says “Fire in the hole” send something back his way. Sometimes you’ve got to fight fire WITH fire.

  15. kerri Says:

    Yeah, roger that video games=vexatious to the core. Except for the original “Oregon Trail” game. Now, that game was flippin’ sweet.

  16. Christoph Says:

    What about “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego”? That chic eluded me for years! I finally caught up with her one time and it was totally worth all the passes to my school’s media center so I could “study”.

  17. JB Says:

    Two words: Book. Worm.
    Frikkin’ addictive, yo.

  18. Paddymick Says:

    That’s Okay, Hanni. Those blokes probably say the same thing about “vanity bloggers” like us. To each their own. Personally, I like being able to read your wittiness at my leisure rather than having to log on to a Half-Life II game and wait for your alter-self to snipe me and post the frag-brag! Keep up the good work… and don’t try those online games… we would lose you forever once you kicked the sh*t out of your cubiclemates… :)

  19. Says:

    LMAO! That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in months! Go Hänni! That’s my girl!

  20. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    This is all just a fancy way of explaining to me why you didn’t play Cze-Bingo, isn’t it????

    I FIGURED something was up! ;)


  21. Cyphermantis Says:


    I empathize with your frustrations about distractions and noise at the workforce. Your opinion of video games is a profound one, however, may I shed some objectivity to the other side of the fence?

    At, Sandra Dodd houses a collection of articles and studies that detail the numerous benefits of playing computer games (developing eye-hand coordination, multi-tasking skills, teamwork, lateral-thinking, problem-solving, etc).

    Just like anything else in life, there are zealots whom take things to extremes, but I don’t think you can neglect the benefits of computer games. I do agree with your point about the need for physical activity as your body should be just as fine-tuned as your mind in order to achieve an equilibrium.

    You shouldn’t fault your co-workers for using Call of Duty as a conduit for stress-relief. Just like I’m sure you use your blog and American Idol infatuation as a means to escape the monotony and demands of your everyday routine. We simply immerse ourselves into a virtual world for a few short minutes at the end of the day where there are no emails, no deadlines, and no meetings. For a few brief minutes out of the day, we are teleported into a completely different world where we can forget about life’s hardships and vent our frustrations through our virtual firearms.

  22. Christoph Says:

    … by killing everything in site Illian Gonzalez style!

  23. Hänni Says:

    SportsStar - Interesting. If they are playing games to avoid their nagging wives they are actually doing more damage than good. Statistically men who are nagged more have better, longer lives. Thus by playing video games, those who are using it for an escape from wifey are actually ruining their lives!

    gary - flatulence does not a happy workplace make. Plus, girls don’t fart.

    kerri - my sentiments exactly.

    Christophe - Carmen Sandiego is also aight.

    Paddymick - LOL @ kicking my coworkers’ ass. And I can’t imagine anyone thinking “vanity bloggers” are nerdy - we effing rock yo.

    Niccy B - Aww you said i’m funny. How much is my mother paying you to be my friend?

    Cze-Carrie Johnson - I would *totally* play bingo, but when I found out about it, you’d already had your first winner. I figured when you restarted I’d get in on that action.

    Cyphermantis - Is it lonely living at home with your Mom?

  24. Dima Says:

    well, if we’re talking about distractions in the workplace, I’ll take geeks playing computer games over these bitchy secretaries yip-yapping all day long about stupid shit and acting like high school girls with their gossip and empty lives right outside my office.
    Sorry, bad day at work!

  25. StampyDurst Says:

    Now, not being one to cast stones (as my house is made of the thinnest glass around), let me remind you that you do work at a SOFTWARE company. No offense to your workmates, but last time I checked, all the guys from my college that rocked at dungeons and dragons and myst were designing software. So, as I work in a hospital, this would be akin to me losing it everytime someone says “Rectum? I nearly killed ‘em.” Instead, I just giggle like a moron. Wait, what the hell was I talking about?

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