Although I typically “stick to the script” and write about those things I know best, (I.e. my cats, my armpits and my office), there are, on occasion, world events that, by their sheer enormity, warrant their own post. And I?m not talking about run of the mill stuff. The fall of communism - ehhh, who cares? And who, prey tell, really gives two figs about the capture of Sadaam or the runaway bride? I’m talking about important stuff folks here. Today, I’m talking about Tom and Katie.
I have been irritating my friends and coworkers for weeks with my incessant ranting about this most heinous of unions. But I guess we can’t call it union. More like an agreement. More like a publicity stunt. More like the most fake, desperate, and vomitious spectacle to have ever assaulted my senses - or at least the most fake, desperate, and vomitious spectacle to have assaulted my senses in the last six weeks.
Prior to operation Ruin Katie, there was that matter of the ever-shrinking, pasty-faced Lindsey Lohan. I just want Lindsey to know, you’ve got boobs somewhere. Don’t waste ‘em. As a woman who?s never had the opportunity/cup size to use her boobs as a table from which to eat a bowl of ice cream or frosted flakes, I want you to know that you’ve been blessed. Don’t let Betty and Wilma shrink away. For the love of all that’s good and busty, do not let Betty and Wilma go quietly into that cold, flat night.
Free Lindsey’s Boobs.
But anyway, yeah, I’ve got beef about Tom and Katie. As a devoted Dawson’s Creek fan my loyalty lies with little Joey Potter. I believe she has been kidnapped and brainwashed by the cult of Tom. And so do these smart folks.
That guy is a wack job! What other straight man would dump Nicole “hot as my nuts” Kidman after multiple years of having his oatmeal served warm by the charming Australian? Why, the very same straight man who would hold hostage impressionable, young 26-year-olds in order to satisfy some midlife crisis and sell a few movie tickets.
And therein lies the rub.
This is just a facade. It’s so obvious what’s going on here. Let’s “hook up” in Rome. Let’s get “engaged” in Marseilles. Let’s jump on Oprah’s couch in Chicago. Tom is going for world domination, and he won’t stop dragging Katie around like a dog show poodle until he’s achieved this.
Free Katie - oh please Tom, free Katie.