The Reformation

May 31st, 2003

In order to make a fresh start, one must often discard the old and look to the new. And like Christinia Aguilera trading in her Disney good looks for Xtina’s skanky, peirced grunge, I have decided to change things up as well - I’m reformatting my harddrive today.

While looking through the hundreds of files on my computer, I came across a few gems that I thought I’d share here today. The following excerpts came from papers that I actually composed and submitted at some point during my distinguished years as an undergrad at Virginia Tech. And now, without further ado, and for your viewing pleasure, I present the college collection:

“Viagra makes the impotent man a magician as he *poof * pulls a bottle of wine from his hat, then * shazam* pulls a piece of wood out of his trousers.” April 2001 on gender and technology:

“Some women fear that video games will cheapen the way that men treat them. I happen to think that if a man can’t comprehend the difference between reality and a game, than humanity has bigger problems on its hands than Panty Raider.” April 2001 on gender and technology.

“I have learned that basically, it comes down to marketing. The fragrance producers tell us that women should smell like raspberries, so ladies immerse themselves in berry gels and lotions. In fact, if producers told us that women were meant to smell like cow manure, you can bet every Suzie Q. in America would shop Wal-Mart for poo pomades and bovine body creams. I am frightened by the idea that my lilac body spritzer is only feminine because corporations say so. I just thank God that marketers chose fruits and flower scents for women, as opposed to smells like sweat socks or pepperoni pizza.” April 2001 on gender and fragrance.

“I guess my being ‘unique’ or ‘weird’ is pretty interchangeable. If someone likes me, I am ‘unique’, if someone doesn’t I am ‘weird.’” January 2001 on being me.

“Because I walk the same way I did when I was small, with heavy, shifting steps, people know when I am walking down the hall as my hairy, mint slippers scratch at the tiles.” January 2001 on being me.

“I spent New Years Eve 1999 huddled on my couch watching Dick Clark count down the final seconds, of what I thought were the last minutes of civilization. However, the world didn’t end at midnight, and the only Y2K malfunction occurred on a slot machine in Delaware. To be, or not to be disappointed. That was the question.” February 2001 on Millenium madness.

“In the spirit of sports vernacular, I would like to propose a new word to express sports enthusiasm in America. Let it be said, America’s athletic obsession is simply, sportacular.” February 2001 on the Super Bowl spectacle.

“I feel a little skeptical of Palmer’s critique of Forte’s Trilobite! Most of Palmer’s review discusses the scientific importance of the trilobite in an enthusiastic manner. I feel that Palmer has a distinct love for trilobites that bias her report, as she describes fossils as an ‘unending source of pleasure.’” February 2001 on a book review:

“The proximity between the men leads me to believe that perhaps they are in a relationship with each other, or at least that there is some romantic tension between them. I imagine the latter, that perhaps they are straight boys who enjoy football and beer, and are having a hard time denying the curiosity. Maybe there is inquisitiveness in the two boys that can only be cured by a good sexual romp behind bedroom doors. I imagine the two want each other that way.” February 2002 on PDA.

“I love Enola, my best friend, and a domestic wonder, who makes the most fabulous chocolate chip cookies ever, so gooey, so rich, and thoroughly decadent. Enola is giving me wrinkles, the kind you get around your mouth - from making me smile all the time.” March 2002 on my best friend.

“I love Mom. Above all else I love Mom. She calls me ‘precious girl’ or ‘pumpkin’ or ‘cupcake.’ She lets me follow my dreams, even when they take me far from her, to places like Japan and Virginia.” March 2002 on Mom.

“And I love Blake, my boyfriend, my angelface, my confidante, and my future husband?” (*Who could predict that when these words were written in March 2002 that we would be engaged by December?)

“The possibility that a killer half breed whale and walrus can rise from the frothy depths of the ocean to inflict bloody murder on mankind is what makes this type of story so frightening and so effective.”April 2002, on the Whalerus, a CG Dad original concoction designed to scare the pants off us kids and give us an appreciation for nature.

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