What Price Childhood Obesity?

November 23rd, 2005


Because kids in America just aren’t fat enough, various retailers throughout the country are marketing the shiny, happy Hostess Snack Oven as the toy to have this holiday season.

It’s fairly ironic that I made this discovery while sitting on the toilet; Flipping through sales circulars, I stopped when I saw the pint-sized artery-clogging contraption. My immediate reaction: this is straight up, crap.

“Bake your own twinkies and cupcakes!” the glossy ad commanded of me.

“Yes, let’s!”, I thought, “And hey, while I’m at it, I could also swallow some razor blades, shoot my eyes out with bb guns, or drop trau and light my farts on fire!”

…Because nothing says good clean fun like childhood obesity … and singed butt fuzz.

But I digress.

captain cupcake

Makers of the Hostess Snack Oven, the Nutrition Nazi wants you to do what’s right for America. I implore you, if not to help ease the fast-increasing fat-bastardization of our youth, for Gods sakes remove the finking oven from the market before Richard Simmons is forced to (inevitably) create a Sweatin’ to the Nursery Rhymes series.

Seriously, I die inside a little just thinking about a grown man in sequined booty shorts screaming “Crunch! And crunch!” while the Itsy Bitsy Spider plays in the background.

10 Haus Calls for “What Price Childhood Obesity?”

  1. SORM Says:

    I’m totally buying like, 10 of these (you know, to keep them off the market…yeah that’s it…) ;)

  2. Dima Says:

    Ok, while I am on my way to becoming a nutrition nazi of my own, I still think some things kids should experience. Twinkies and such. But the problem is, when I was a kid, I had a twinkie like once in a while, and never had fast food. First time I set foot in McDonalds was when I was 16, TO WORK. Parents have become lazy, it’s easier to always give their kids junk food. They don’t monitor and control as much as our parents did. There’s no reason for kids to become obese if the parents were doing their jobs. I little tear glistens in my eye every time I see a little fatso! So unnatural and wrong.

  3. lizzy Says:


    in a world where it’s not so safe for kids to go wandering the streets of their city (you know, exercising), there must be alternatives for children to busy themselves.

    that’s probably the far more pressing issue in the problem of childhood obesity. kids are resilient little gremlins…they can eat many things and not be the worse for wear if they get outside and move their little kiddie butts from time to time.
    when i went outside after school and rode my bike until dark, i could afford to come home to my little easy-bake oven.

    but with fewer accessible outdoor options, and the poor example of remote-control-clutching, computer-huddling parents, today’s underage sit motionless at home watching themselves bloat to the tune of spongebob squarepants’ theme song.

    hey, at least the hostess cupcake maker gets them to take their little beady eyes off the idiot box for a minute or two.

  4. Hänni Says:

    SORM - Puhlease!

    Dima - the more we hear from you, the more I think you aren’t on your way, but rather you *are* a Nutrition Nazi. Congrats! (Why don’t we celebrate with some Evian, hummus and carrot sticks?)

    Lizzy - Good point on the excercise. When i was a kid CG would always tell us to go outside. If you asked what we were supposed to do outside, he’d say “use your imagination.” And we did! Puddles became African swamp lands, fields with grass taller than us became the jungle, and when the ground iced over so we could hardly walk, we became olympic ice skaters.

    So yes, more excercise, but I think its’ kind to get kids in the habit of going for grapes as a sweet treat instead of sugary, trans fatty, baked good devoid of the nutrition that will help them grow better, stronger, smarter. Just my two cents.

  5. miss marisol Says:

    I don’t know. I think you are on to something with the kiddie jazzercise. Million dollar idea.

  6. the village idiot Says:

    oooooh, cap’n cupcake!

    must have one…

  7. Erin Says:

    This is really just an “improvement” on the Easy Bake Oven…. an oven that took 2 hours to bake a bite sized piece of crap with a light bulb.

    But it’s different now. The Easy Bake came out when kids still played outside and girls were expeceted to be housewives. Even when I was a kid, I had a toy vaccum. What the hell is that all about?

  8. mrtl Says:

    I thought you had a recipe. You know you have to buy mixes for the homemade twinkies. That sucks.

  9. Hefty Haylie Says:

    Why do you hate fat people so much?

  10. Hänni Says:

    Hefty Haley – You asked why I hate fat people so much. The answer is I don’t hate fat people at all! I would totally never discriminate against someone because of weight b/c you know what? I’m thin, but it’s genetic – just a luck of the draw. And guess what? Because of how I’m built, I don’t have boobs or any of the beautiful, voluptuous curves that larger women have. I mean, I can’t even get my hair cut shorter than my ears, lest people mistake me for a pre-pubescent boy.

    That being said, after re-reading this post, I can understand why you would think my primary concern is about being fit or fat. Truly, that’s not my M.O. More than what someone looks like, I’m concerned about what goes on in the inside. This post was meant to have a comedic effect, but the truth is childhood obesity is increasing, and along with that comes a propensity for earlier deaths from heart attack, cancer, diabetes, etc. In real life, I’m very concerned about these things, but I don’t post about them here b/c it’s not exactly funny stuff, and this is kind of a silly blog.

    Apologies Haley.

Make a Haus Call