Because kids in America just aren’t fat enough, various retailers throughout the country are marketing the shiny, happy Hostess Snack Oven as the toy to have this holiday season.
It’s fairly ironic that I made this discovery while sitting on the toilet; Flipping through sales circulars, I stopped when I saw the pint-sized artery-clogging contraption. My immediate reaction: this is straight up, crap.
“Bake your own twinkies and cupcakes!” the glossy ad commanded of me.
“Yes, let’s!”, I thought, “And hey, while I’m at it, I could also swallow some razor blades, shoot my eyes out with bb guns, or drop trau and light my farts on fire!”
…Because nothing says good clean fun like childhood obesity … and singed butt fuzz.
But I digress.
Makers of the Hostess Snack Oven, the Nutrition Nazi wants you to do what’s right for America. I implore you, if not to help ease the fast-increasing fat-bastardization of our youth, for Gods sakes remove the finking oven from the market before Richard Simmons is forced to (inevitably) create a Sweatin’ to the Nursery Rhymes series.
Seriously, I die inside a little just thinking about a grown man in sequined booty shorts screaming “Crunch! And crunch!” while the Itsy Bitsy Spider plays in the background.