Have You Ever Wanted to Rewind your Life?

October 26th, 2005

I have, and I do. Yep my life pretty much sucks right now… mostly because I have foot-in-mouth disease.

I haven’t wanted to run away with the circus this bad since I split my pants in the 9th grade. I was already awkward at 14, and it certainly didn’t help my self esteem to have to feign nonchalance whilst walking sideways all afternoon. To make matters worse, I’m fairly certain that despite my best efforts, a significant percentage of my peers got an eyeful of my unmentionables that day.
In other news, one of my coworkers said the name I pitched for a new software product reminded him of something you’d see on a package of adult diapers. The good news is, if software writing doesn’t work out, apparently, I’ve got a bright future in adult incontinence… But I digress.

19 Haus Calls for “Have You Ever Wanted to Rewind your Life?”

  1. Dima Says:

    Ah splitting pants isn’t as bad as sliding on a stucco roof, and completely scraping of part of pants, panties, and ass. Trust me!

  2. Adrienne Says:

    I split my pants once in school too. Had to call my mom to have her bring a new pair. She wasn’t home and the nurse just gave me a safety pin.

    Hope things get better for you.

  3. Sarah's Mama Says:

    Ahh Hanni. Bad day. Keep your chin up. I got peed on today by my little one.

  4. Amanda B. Says:

    Aw. Sorry kiddo. I bet it was fun for the coworkers though! :D

    Too early for jokes? Sorry.

  5. ScottyGee Says:

    I think as PA I can help with this too! I can just walk behind you holding your pants together. Hehehee. Naming software Bladderflow or Steampile, I can’t help with that.

  6. mrtl Says:

    Oh the horror!

  7. Hänni Says:

    Dima - that sounds brutal!

    Adrienne - I heard shortly after Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” that Jessica Simpson split her pants 4X on tour. Coincidence, I think not. What kind of person splits their pants on purpose anyway?

    Sarah’s Mama - Okay getting peed on is worse than pants splitting. Thanks for the laugh at your expense. D’ah!

    Amanda B - it’s never too early for jokes :)

    ScottyGee - Ha! It wasn’t as bad as “Bladderflow”, I assure you.

    Mrtl - Yeah it was a bad day. Of course, I didn’t make things better by comforting myself with an entire organic pizza. Remember how i’m sensitive to wheat? Yeah, it’s 6AM the next day and I now feel like CRAP. I am achey and nauseas - I have a total pizza hangover. Blech.

  8. Dima Says:

    I wish I had a pizza hangover. Sounds like a good hangover, only second to a chocolate hangover!

  9. Hänni Says:

    Dima - Pizza hangover is not as fun as it sounds. I feel *really bad* (b/c of allergies) and can’t hardly brag about my exploits for fear of sounding retarded.

    “So you look like crap today Hänni. Drink a few too many last night?”

    “No. I ate an entire pizza… by myself.”

  10. Dima Says:

    Oh, that’s a bad kind of hangover then. Allergies suck. I hope your day today is better than yesterday. I’m going to email you something that’ll hopefully bring a smile to your face :)

  11. laurenbove Says:

    Oh you poor dear. I am sorry for your em bare ass ment. Don’t let it get you down. I recently told my husbands boss “love you” before hanging up with him. That was pretty dorky. We all have these moments. =)

  12. ScottyGee Says:

    I’d email you something to put a smaile on your face too, but my ass hasn’t been waxed lately and you might think you are staring at a very fit Yeti.

  13. Dima Says:

    Scott the idea of your hairy ass being waxed is enough to make anyone smile. I actually chorkled when I read that.

  14. Hänni Says:

    Dima - I LOVED your e-mail. Thanks doll. And I love new words! “Chorkled” - is that like chortle + snicker? I think it’s the Jane-Dandiest!

    Laurenbove - ROFL @ the “love you.” Don’t worry, I was 14 a long time ago, and i’m in therapy fine now.

    ScottyGee - Yes, don’t e-mail. I’m only interested in seeing fat, slovenly yetis.

  15. Dima Says:

    I was going to say chortle, but it came out louder and snortier, so I made up “chorkle” - feel free to use it whenever you like :)

    Glad you enjoyed the email.

  16. miss marisol Says:

    I was just thinking of this today. How I dwell on all my social blunders and missteps and I convince myself that people are at home thinking about how much of an idiot I am.

    Don’t fret, dear Hanni, I imagine any flubs you might make are endearing because they come from you.

  17. I can't believe it Says:

    You’re a witness?!!!?

  18. I can't believe it Says:

    Not by the way you talk

  19. Hänni Says:

    Miss Marisol - Aren’t you just the sweetest? Hey guess what? I’m going to be on your turf tomorrow. I just found out I’m going to Neeeew York! Neeeew York! tomorrow night to spend the weekend! Perhaps I’ll see you yelling at motorists in the street.

    I Can’t Beleive It - I am a witness. I’m witnessing your incredulity… right now! Because i’m just curious like that, do u think i talk funnee or sumpthin?

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