I’m Freaking Famous!
September 29th, 2005Well, well, well look who got her own dedicated post on a very special lady’s blog?
It’s me baby, me!
I am uber flattered, because yes, I love mrtl’s blog. I am so enamoured that I have decided to take it as my lover. I will kiss it’s eyelids in the morning, whispering, “You are the sweetest piece of blog this side of the arctic circle.” I will make it herbal tea and wheat-free crumpets for snacking on at mid-day. At night I will make sweet, sweet bloggy love, telling it over and over “je t’adore.”
But enough about me and my lover. I’ve got a problem today that I didn’t have yesterday, and I need to get it worked out right quick and in a hurry.
You see, now that I’m famous, I’m going to need a personal assistant.
Because of my sudden rise to stardom, I think it only appropriate that I employ an assistant to help me handle all the phone calls, e-mails, and talk show appearances that will clearly result from “Hännification”.
My criteria, should you have an interest in applying to be my assistant, is simple. One need only be able to perform, with complete competency the following types of tasks:
• Tell me I am “so gorgeous dahling” about fifty times a day, even though I have assbrows (TM summer), even though I oft do things like wear clearly-visible black, granny panties beneath light, linen khakis.
• Keep me in a constant supply of Evian. Substitutions such as zephyr “that’s not water, it’s shite” hills and dasani “you make me wanna vomit” water are *not* acceptable as they taste like they came out of the wrong side of a sewage pipe, and I have a very discriminating palate.
• Relatedly, I will require that you put some of this toilet bowl cleaner- looking stuff in my water, because I like my blue green algae shaken, not stirred.
• I will need you to knit sweaters for my cats when they shave themselves.
• I will need you to make friends, and introduce me to boys who wear makeup, especially boys who sing in a band called My Chemical Romance.
• Because all the other hot, young celebs are doing it, I will need you to find me a kabala teacher and one of those cute, red bracelets.
•For that same reason, I will also need a homeless man to take pictures with so that others may be repulsed by my pompous behavior.
• I need the thrill of the road, and the smell of salt air in my face
• I need a high colonic spa treatment given by you bi-weekly
• I need life, liberty and the pursuit of Hänniness
• I need
• I need
• I need
Oh yeah, one last thing, this position doesn’t pay… you just get to piggyback on my infamy. But maybe, if you’re real lucky, the paparazzi will take pictures of us drinking pumpkin spice frappucinos together at Starbucks. That being said, why don’t you live life like a rockstar? Interested applicants can apply today!
mwahahahanni
September 29th, 2005
I am totally on it! Except for the high colonic. You are on your own when it comes to your innards. Hehehe. I have mad cabana boy skills as well which can be employed for a minimal fee.
Excellent blog. You’ll be linked very soon.
September 29th, 2005
Sounds like my job now. Where do I sign up? Also, I can be your yoga buddy.
September 29th, 2005
I’m so glad I went to the bathroom before visiting.
How about kitty dickies to go with the sweaters? This was my earliest attempt at making a million (Cathi’s Kitty Dickies - lemon yellow with a snap at the neck.) I haven’t made one for a while, but will need to get out the old sewing machine at some point soon. When I get a chance, I’ll dig out some pictures of my cats modeling them.
September 29th, 2005
High colonic? where can i sign up!!
and Hanni, what you don’t know is i snuck in and replaced you water with zephyrhills (yes, it really does taste like someone was holding a bottle up to a levee in New Orleans) and swapped out your toilet bowl looking additive for real toilet bowl cleaner!!!
I’m such a proactive personal assistant that when Angelface said your ass was looking a bit big in your jeans I felt was necessary to take preventative measures - we’re going for more the Mary-Kate and Ashley look than Mrs. “I only had a kid cause i was gaining weight anyways” Spears.
And… didn’t I just have a pumpkin spice frapp with you yesterday?
September 29th, 2005
Scotty - Although i’m not sure you’ll work out as my personal assistant (high colonics are, of course, mandatory), I would like to learn more about this cabana boy opportunity. Can you make a decent pinana colada and feign a latin accent? And while we’re on topic, this minimal fee… what does a decent cabana boy go for these days anyway?
Erin - Ooh ooh I’ve actually done partner yoga before. It is awesome. The bad part is, some positions require you to come dangerously close to my armpits and/or crotch. You still in for the PA position?
Mrtl - omg you make kitty dickies? Please, please, please post pictures. I thought i was the only freak who fantascized about dressing up their kittinks… but then there was you. Oh and Cat Prin, Taylor For Cats.
Phyrephly - Yes, I beleive there was a pumpkin frapp involved in yesterday’s trip to the ‘Bucks…
September 29th, 2005
I am dying. A market! You’ve found my market! I have sent an email to my business advisor (a potential investor) to see what she says. lol
September 30th, 2005
Well, I have to admit my cabana services don’t come cheap. I usually request a bag of only dark brown M&M’s, a weekly change of underwear and a 2 liter of Vanilla Coke. For you though, I’ll render my services unto thee for a bag of M&M’s. I can feign a latin accent I can even grow a cheesy mustache. I’ll fax you a contract. =)
September 30th, 2005
Mrtl - I expect 50% of the cut, as I am your inspiration in the peribottle experiment
ScottyGee - I think we may have a winner, but I don’t have any m & ms on hand. Would you be willing to settle for some delcious organic raisins instead (hey, they kind of look like m&ms, but with wrinkles)
January 8th, 2006
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