The Big One

September 30th, 2005

Around the office lately, there’s been a lot of talk about “The One.” The One is this mysterious techy superstar who has skillz that like only .0000000000001% of the world’s population can attest to.

And even though I’m no tech superstar, I want you, dear hannihaus readers, to know I’ve got skillz to. I’ve got mad skillz, but somehow I don’t think the ability to sweat on only one half of my body or eat five pounds of pureed turnips in one sitting makes me a highly marketable candidate for… for… well, let’s face it, it doesn’t make me a qualified candidate for anything really.

But I digress.

Okay, to recap, around the office we’re always talking about The One, right? That being said, I didn’t raise an eyebrow when I got an e-mail from a coworker with the subject line “The Real (Big) One”.

Nope, there were no alarms going off in the bat cave, there were no red flags being raised, and no elevation on the that’s-some-crazy-crap-o- meter. Things were, for all intensive purposes, business as usual.

So, included in said Real (Big) e-mail is a hyperlink that I assumed would take me somewhere work related, as I was, indeed, at work. But then, I see it. At the end of the URL are these words:


I clicked through, and this is what I saw: (Click here for the divine dillywacker).

As a result of having seen this glorious, nature-made spectacle, I had no choice but to engage in a game of verbal, penis-centered ping pong. Between doing actual work, the day was fairly peppered with witty commentary that included the likes of “It’s not that big” or “that’s what she said”.

And now I need your help. What say you dear hannihaus readers? Have we a caption for the floating phallice?
PS we are still taking applications for the super fabulous Hännihaus personal assistant. Although the decision rests solely with me, I would like to invite you to chime in. We’ll have a poll posted on Sunday, so apply today!

15 Haus Calls for “The Big One”

  1. ScottyGee Says:

    I have been touched by the wang of God.

    WWGDD - What Would God’s Dick Do?

    Now THAT is divine inspiration!

    Wow. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is really hung.

    God… If you are lsitening, please give me a sign. Any sign willl… Whoa! OK. Ease on down there big fella. Someone has been watching too many Cialis commercials.

    So for this PA position, you want to buy my services for a box of organic raisins? Sold! Hehehe. Is your place Hoverround scooter accessible though?

  2. Hänni Says:

    Dear Scotty - Great captions. My favorite is the “divine inspiration.” And about the raisins, I buy from the bulk bins, so they’re not actually in a box… I could put them in a snack size glad bag though. As far as the hoverround accesability… I’m not sure. How about this? If selected, part of your job as PA, can be to find that sort of crap out for me (as am too lazy and famous to do so myself).

  3. ScottyGee Says:

    A bag of bulk organic raisins… Any other benefits that you provide? Medical? Dental? Mental? Mental? Mental?

  4. Man About Town Says:

    How about, “Feels Divine”?

    “Soft as God’s dick” probably wouldn’t go over very well with the ladies, lol.

    BTW, thanks for your comment of Marla support. You’re my favorite Hänni in the whole world!

  5. Hänni Says:

    ScottyGee - After reviewing my assets I can tell you that I’d be happy to provide in addition to the bag of bulk organic raisins, some tattered placemats I don’t use anymore, a roll of two of generic toiletpaper, one package of misc pens (for you to sign “my” autograph on my glamor shots for distribution to eager fans), a ladle, a hand weight, a pink nike armband, a bar of dial soap, and a partridge in a pear tree.

    Man About Town - OMG i’m you’re favorite Hänni? Well *you’re* my favorite Man About Town. Not too shabby MAT, that’s not too shabby.

  6. Cody Says:

    Wow. For a deity that created the earth, man, woman, and plant and beast, I never expected his penis to be that small. Look, it’s even circumsized! He must be Jewish!

    Moreover, doesn’t this change the whole idea of what “rain” actually is?

    Scheisse, I don’t even want to know what “snow” is.

    By the way, what does a Hannihaus personal assistant do other than personally assist Hanni’s Haus? What are the benes? Will there be a comfy chair included? Will there be regular trips to the zoo? I patiently await your reply.

  7. Hänni Says:

    Dearest cody, if you will please reference the earlier post entitle “i’m freaking famous” it lays out my criteria notes that the pay for this great position is the joy of time spent catering to my every whim. I don’t make that much as a writer, and so far I haven’t made any money off personal apperances, so I can’t really pay too much.

    I have been in negotiations with PA-wannabee Scotty “the hotty” Gee and have agreed to pay him in raisins and other misc crap that’s laying around my house.

    Don’t forget, tomorrow is D-day for applicants. I’ll have the poll posted and a description listed for each applicant that details their qualities (ie. Erin is a yoga queen and I’m a New Age Mama, so that’s a potential good pairing)

    If you are interested in this position, instead of asking what *I* can do for you, let’s ask, Cody, what *you* can do for me?

  8. ScottyGee Says:

    Hanni - Do I have to wear the pink armband? Moreover, are there any uniform requirements for this position? I would gladly wear leiderhosen or a total Mr. Belvedere outfit if you like. Is that generic TP the kind that hurts your bum when you wipe? Would you use it to torture me? Sya for instance I have trouble signing my qoute of autographed memorabilia, would you make me go wipe myself until it hurt? I get the feeling you will be a hrash taskmaster and I just wanted to know the groundwork of the relationship between manservant and mistress. Would I be kept in the basement and only slipped just enough water and wheat thins under the door to keep me productive?

    I am glad I am being considered. I feel I have a very strong cabana boy background and my skills with a Singapore whipping cane are unmatched. If ever you need a nemisis dealt with my cane and I would be at the ready.

    I am, as always, hopeful.

  9. Cody Says:


    God knows I love giving high colonics as much as the next guy (really, they should be considered as an artform than just mere “work”), but since I have no contacts within the Kabala community, I believe that disqualifies me for the job. Damn!

  10. Hänni Says:

    Dear Scotty,

    I like to wear pink armbands when running, so as to wipe the sweat from my brow. You might like wearing a pink armband for other reasons, such as for fashion or for a homoerotic thrill. Whatever floats your boat Scotty, whatever floats your boat.

    I do not have a manditory uniform requirement, but I think you might look nice in those leiderhosen.

    The TP - it is not of the tear-your-ass-off variety. It is two ply, and I find it comparable to charmin, yet pleasing at five cents less per roll. That being said, the punishment for not completing your autograph-memorabilia quotient will *not* be to wipe your ass until it hurts, rather you can use that Singapore whipping cane to give yourself a sound thrashing instead.

    I am pleased that you are already referring to me as the “mistress”. With your excellent brown-nosing skills and talent at serving mixed drinks shirtless, you could do well with me. You treat me good, I’ll treat you good. No, you would not reside in the basement (largely b/c i don’t have one), you dear scottygee, can have your pick of the patio - it’s screened in and only *moderately* uncomfortable in 90 degree heat - or, you can use the “guest room” which is really the cat room. The cat room is where Belle and Sphynx like to leave deposits in the bank of gritty kitty and play horrifying lord-of-the-flies type games wherein one desecrates a holy object (the last roll of generic, tp for instance) and the other circles round said object wooping and leaping inappropriately.

    I hope you don’t enjoy them, b/c i will never feed you wheat thins. I read a lot of nutrition books and I know those little tasty timebombs are loaded with artery-clogging transfats and other miscellaneous baddies. If you require wheat, you will be served the health food store sprouted variety. Tastes just like cardboard!

    Thank you for your inquiries and good day.

  11. Hänni Says:

    Dear Cody,

    Scotty says he won’t give colonics. I beleive, because you will, you just might be in the running still.

  12. Cody Says:

    Scotty seems like a fine applicant, and I hope he is selected as your slave personal assistant.

    Btw, thanks for linking to my humble site.

  13. Cody Says:


    I must say that I am more than a bit concerned with your last reply to me. How did I go from merely inquiring about the job to me being in the running? When did I sign up?

    Frantically awaiting your reply,


  14. Hänni Says:

    Don’t panic Cody. I’m 3/4 to cuckoo and thus, perenially confused. Apologies for the misunderstanding. In the future I’ll have my personal assistant taking care of these types of affairs to make sure it won’t happen again.

  15. Cody Says:

    Me panic? I’m not the panicky type. I’m a stone cold stoic. If you were to tell me that I had leprosy and no woman would ever look at me again, or that I will be kidnapped and forced to work as a toehair clipper in exchange for couch raisins, I would say in a calm whisper, “So be it.”

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