McRib: A Grand Sandwich for Grandiose Women

March 10th, 2005

I read today that McDonalds is considering That is just too crazy. What are they trying to do? Hire robots to run the fryers? What if they outsource to an Indian call center? Instead of fries, will they say “would you like a squishee with that?”

What the freak?!

And speaking of bizzaro McDonalds moves, what?s with McRib? That famed sandwich is so popular it warrants its own encyclopedia entry and has inspired countless followers to pay homage to the pressed meat by creating fan sites that proclaim McRib as king of sandwiches.

Myself, I?ve never partaken of that forbidden mystery meat wrapped in its carb-laden scarlet sauce. In fact, I really don?t know anyone who has, except Rosie O? Donell, who swears by them, and a couple secretaries I used to work with. Coincidently, all the McRib fans I know are ?big boned? women.

And speaking of bones, that?s something that really freaks me out about McRib. It?s supposed to be ribs, but it has no bones. That is wrong. I liken the production of McRib to the building of a house from manure. Sure it can be molded and manipulated to look like a grand mansion, but at the end of the day, all you really have is a heaping pile of crap.

Shaping meat byproducts to look like delicious ribs is downright unnatural. It?s like what they do to those marshmallows at Easter ? They take marshmallows, mold them into chicks and call them ?Peeps.? I prefer my marshmallows the way nature intended, melted on graham crackers, squished all snuggly-like next to chocolate?

But now that I think about it, the whole Peeps thing makes sense. I mean, eating baby chicks that are made of baby chicks is far too messy when you?re wearing your Easter finest.

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