What part of HELL NO, don’t you understand?

January 30th, 2002

I must have some sort of O-Town psychosis, because last night I dreamed Jacob was performing for me in a kimono. (Nice bed shot, huh?) He was singing a duet with some african american lady, also in a kimono. Oh those boy bands. They are insidious… always interefereing with dreams, and such.

Know what else is insidious? The those slimey creatures known as grodious maxiumus stalkius. I recieved an email the other day from one of these creatures. Back in December I rode the plane with some dude from ROA to SeaTac. (Of course, I hadn’t noticed this kid was on the same planes as me. He mentioned he saw me in ROA and I think he followed me around in Detroit. Eww.) We both missed our connecting flights to Alaska, so we ran around the airport for a while. The duration of our relationship: 40 whole minutes.

So I get his email the other day, and i’m like “who the hell is this?” When he mentioned NorthWest Airlines, I was like “ah ha!” He said he got my info off VT people finder. Us students have another name for this thing: Stalkernet. Anyway, he said he enjoyed his trip, and might be in the area, so maybe we could “hook up.” I didn’t think anything of it, and wrote that i enjoyed alaska, and loved having my angelface with me. I thought it was awkward, but said if he was ever in the ‘burg, we could do lunch.

So i get another email like, oh you have a boyfriend? I could have sworn we had a vibe going on. Uhm, what part of I have a boyfriend didn’t this stalkius being understand? Then he asked if i could meet him in Roanoke, which is an hour away. Yeah right dude, i’ll just dump my hot ass boyfriend who gave me diamonds for christmas, so i can scum around with a grosso marx.

So anyway, i haven’t replied. Am too disgusted. Boys get a clue! and give us girls a break! I understand why women choose lesbianism over men.

Why can’t all boys be like Captain Strange and Zackypants? These guys are really cool. So i’m talking to Zackypoo on the phone last night and I hear scratching in the background. Yes, Captain Strange was over there and he was, get this, playing his zipper! I could hear him complaining “this is just like the harmonica, but i’ve only got two notes: up and down” HA! Then Zacky yells “maybe you should go to open mic night and mic your crotch!”

Oh man, that micing the crotch thing got to me. Now, these are my kind of guys. Totally plutonic, and comfortable talking about their zippers. Well, it got better. When the Captain got bored, I started to hear a string of burps, really nasty ones. It sounded like he was gonna hurl chunks a few times. Well then the Captain did “burping jacks”, and even burped during a plie. Now that’s class!

Lesson: Want to impress the ladies? No need to stalk. Just belch the alphabet. Oh yes.

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