The Big (Fat) Deal

May 30th, 2006

Every couple months or so, I get a nastygram. Sometimes they’re warranted, most times—ref. the infamous Hänni Horseface— they’re not. And the topic that gets folks most hot and bothered is the assumption that I, your kind and gentle mistress, have an unfair bias.

Shhh, the critics say, George Bush may hate black people, but …


Hänni hates fat people!

… And I’m sorry, but that’s just not true.

Not even a little bit.

Seriously, eff that shit.

On my list of things Hänni hates, fat people don’t even rank. Look:



If you examine figure A. Retarded.Graph, you’ll notice there’s no “fat folks” on it. Know why? Because—unlike the cocktail wieners that are contributing to my irreconcilable bitchiness—those of us who are overweight do not give me particular pause.

And I resent people accusing me otherwise.

The god’s honest truth is, I don’t care if you’re seven pounds or 700 pounds—If you think fart jokes are funny, then you’re alright with me.

A hannihaus reader asked, what’s my beef against fat people?

My answer is pretty simple: I don’t have one.

14 Haus Calls for “The Big (Fat) Deal”

  1. kerri Says:

    Seriously! I am so! glad you effing hate birds, too! I have always maintained that they come from The Hot Place, and that birds that flock together can (stay together, sure, so that they can all, en mass) just fly the heck off the planet.

    And the one piece of not-so-nice mail I received was from an author. A real, live, nothing-better-to-do-with-his-time author who googled himself and his book and then wrote me a poo poo email trying to guilt me into feeling bad about calling his book binded crap. Ok, so I didn’t really say “binded crap.” But I guess that’s sort of what I meant.

    Yeah, apparently I’m just not trying hard enough to offend. ; )

  2. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    but what if they were ORGANIC cocktail weiners? never mind if it’s even possible….

    just… please… don’t hate the lil smokies…..

    but then again…. if you DO really don’t like them… that means more for me! ok… carry on… I’ll be stuffing my face in the corner!


  3. Dima Says:

    A hannihaus reader asked, what’s Hanni’s beef against fat people?

    Hanni’s answer is pretty simple: I don’t have one.

    My answer is even simpler: The fat people ate the beef!

  4. Hänni Says:

    Kerri - OMG, birds, can’t stand ‘em. The only thing I hate worse than birds that are flying around (seriously, I can’t be near them) is birds that are dead/hurt. One of my friends told me her zebra finch was killed when it landed on the woodstove and its feet somehow melted on the top. ARRRGH. And then there’s the story I read about the bird who’s head was popped into its body when a chair leg came down on it in a cafe. I told someone these stories recently and they were like “Oooh poor little birds.” I was like OOOOH MY SKIN IS CRAWLING. I just can’t handle that.

    And about the author, that’s kind of flattering they took time out of their day to send a nastygram.

    Cze-Johnson Carrie - Nope, I wouldn’t even eat organic. Canned meat by-product, its just not my bag baby. Angelface loves the hell out of some vienna sausages though.

    Dima - Well we know it wasn’t my cats who ate the beef. Fussy bitches.

  5. Patchoulli Oil Stank Says:

    oh my god.

    I can’t believe you see fit to justify your pitiful existence with a graph! You do SO hate fat people, and I believe that you’re just throwing up the smoke screen of laughter to keep us away from the fact that you USED to be one!

  6. Amber Says:

    I’m still in shock…What a ridiculous assumption.

    Did you ever label Mariah as Obese? or Overweight? Maybe…but if you look at the tiny-itty-bitty string-like clothing she chooses to ooze out of you would be totally justified. No one should dress like that! EVER!

    And my assumption is that this person is either a bleeding heart for anyone who is persecuted and you’d never win with them anyway, OR…they’re FAT!

    And this is coming from a girl who is considered medically overweight/obese! I’m not going to hide it! I like me some oreos cookies, cheese, and soda. (especially in this swollen state I’m in right now!)

  7. Christoph Says:

    What about Big Bird Hännibus? That is the only bird I ever gave two bird shits (one on my windshield and the other on my rear bumper) about. Maybe if you watched that master of classic films, “Stop That Bird” starring Big Bird (and the rest of the puppet effing click) you would have a little more compassion for the big guy.

    As for fat people… As my cousin Jeff “Freeballin’” Dummond once said in reference to gay guys, “…as long as they aren’t hitting on me, I could care less”. Nevermind that Jeff had a thing for fat chicks… well… nevermind - you get my point.

    4 in the kooch and 2 seats on the damn over sea flight to Italy if you weigh more than 400 lbs (it’s a goddamned 10 hour flight!)!

  8. stampydurst Says:

    Also have a strange anti-bird stance. I just fully realized this the other day when there was a woman standing in line for the coffee cart at the hospital with a huge parrot on her shoulder. The parrot was hunched there and had a DIAPER on to keep it from shitting down her back. For some reason, I can’t help but think of them as flying rats carrying plague and pestilence (and this has nothing to do with the bird flu). This also carries over to poultry. I was a vegan for several years, and when I went back to the dark side, I only ate red meat - wouldn’t touch chicken or turkey. Now I’ll eat the occasional bite of chicken if someone else has cooked it, but I can’t be at the same table as a cornish hen. And don’t get me started on chicken wings…is it really necessary for men to put them in their mouths and suck the last ligament off the bone?

    Oops, it appears I am ranting. Must have forgotten to take my meds again. Keep rockin’ the graph-ics Hanni.

  9. the village idiot Says:

    Don’tcha just hate it when birds get into the cocktail weiners when there are so many poor people out there who would love the opportunity to laugh at fart jokes but who can’t afford it?

  10. gary Says:

    I used to absolutely love the taste of vienna sausages when I was a teenager. I don’t love them anymore, but I don’t hate them either. I FEAR them. Since I found out what is in them I can’t bring myself to eat them anymore. I guess that’s not a bad thing. They are loaded with fat.

  11. ZP Says:

    lol i hate birds too (this you know) and i love the lil smokies (ok maybe you didn’t know that)…but i know you DIDN’T know that i hit a bird with my car the other day (you know the car…probably never met the bird)

    i was in the left lane, another car to my right, bird came swooping down like “i’m the shit, i can fly, you can’t” and then he flew right into the front fender of the car to my right…

    needless to say, he bounced off said right-hand car and rebounded smack dab into my front bumper (read: slab-o-shiny-steel)…all i saw was a big “poof” of feathers in my rearview!

    it’s evil, i know…but i couldn’t help but laugh hilariously

    the end!

  12. miss marisol Says:

    Wow! You made a graph. You are so much cooler than everyone else in the internets.

  13. kerri Says:

    “I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have a beak to peck you with.”
    -The Always Wise and Snappily-Dressed Jack Handy

    Amen Jack. Amen.

  14. Sarcomical Says:

    birds are scary motherf*&@ers. oh yes.

    and omg with the stupid trolly readers. i wish they would go away. SCAT! seriously, it’s like the internet gives unhappy people an even larger place to Be Assholes.

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