On a walk the other day, I crossed paths with an acquaintance. We’ll call this guy, Senor Pantalone.
Senor Pantalone has always struck me as strange. To start, he’s got this Charlie Brown face—completely nondescript and entirely featureless save for two black holes where his eyes should be. And when he walks, he often stumbles. It’s like there’s a hiccup in his step, it’s like he’s a wind-up toy running out of motion.
And I don’t know S. Pantalone that well—like I said, he’s an acquaintance—but what I do know is, his peculiarity extends past his faceless face and the stop-and-go gait.
Case in point: the other day, out on the walk, I noticed he was wearing lady’s pants.
And not just any lady’s pants.
The Senor, (who is fairly slim), was wearing lady’s fat pants.
Said pants were pastelly gray and made of a cheap, stretchy knit most commonly seen in the women’s athletic department at stores like Wal-Mart, Target or Sears. The legs, straight and long were stovepipe style with no taper at the ankle—a look favored by those XX’s who are reticent to accentuate meaty calves.
Yes, dear hannihaus readers, the Senor’s pants were strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
*ba dum bum ching—thank you, I’ll be here all night*
But yeah, we parted ways and I didn’t think any more about S. Pantalone’s pantalones … until I saw him next … and he was wearing lady’s fat pants again(!).
These ones were identical to the first, except for the color which was pale lavender/light denim.
And I wondered, where on earth was this man getting these large lady’s pants?
The most obvious answer was that the pants belonged to his wife. The only problem with this theory is: dude is divorced.
But still …
Though I never met the missus, the children—the little Pantalones— they are chunky monkeys. If forced to wage a guess, I’d say their mom was too.
Senor Pantalone *had* to be wearing Mom’s pants.
And I bet those stretch pants are what sent the couple careening toward splitsville.
Here’s how I imagine things went down:
One night, deep in conversation, Senior Pantalone probably told his wife he wanted to wear the pants in the family.
And that would’ve been fine by wifey except …
the pants S. Pantalone wanted to wear were hers.
And she probably wasn’t into that.
But I digress.