Just Dreamy

June 5th, 2006

Last night I had a dream. And that alone is pretty impressive, because —while I’m pretty good at daydreaming (about vegan brownies and boys who wear makeup *yum*)—I hardly ever have the kind of dreams that occur in the nighttime.

And when I do, they are often of the nightmare variety.

This is upsetting … mostly because I don’t care for horses. Those big-ass eyeballs are totally terrifying. Given the choice, I’d much rather have nighthares than nightmares.

Because let’s face it, Peter Cottontail really isn’t that creepy.

Anyway, the most amazing part of last night’s dream was the eff. I don’t remember what my companion did to warrant such an outburst, but for some reason I screamed it at the top of my lungs.

“Eff you!” —that’s what I said.

But actually I didn’t say “eff,” not exactly.

Quite out of character, I said the real thing. And there aint nothing like the real thing, baby.

That’s right, dear hannihaus readers, last night your mistress uttered the naughty, naughty.

In my dream, I said: EFF-YOO-SEE-KAY

And I would never use that word in real life.

That’s partly because its sounds retarded coming out of my mouth. I mean some folks sound all awkward-like when they drop the F bomb. They’re like giddy little girls teetering in their mommy’s heels. And since I’m twelve, I should probably stick with the flats, metaphorically speaking.

Another reason I don’t use the f- word is, that I am a lady.

And I’ll kick the dumb slut’s ass who says otherwise. Shit-talking, jackass, dickhead, motherfunky, hellcat beyotches can kiss my left nut. Well, except I don’t have a damn left nut, but you bastards get my drift.

Til next…adieu!

Update: ok its 12:43pm on 06.06.06. I currently have 6 comments in the que and i’ve 666 hits so far today. Creepy? Mayhaps.

10 Haus Calls for “Just Dreamy”

  1. kerri Says:

    You don’t like horses? Eff that shit, B. ; )

    You did not wake The Blakester with your bomb dropping?

    One of my favorite stories I like to tell at family gatherings (what else are family for, if not for giving cash and embarrassing story-telling?) has to do with my sister and a string of expletives she uttered while lost and frustrated (and me giving her horrible directions, yes, I admit it) in Seattle. No F-bombs were dropped, and thus her lady-ship remains intact, but boy did she launch the S-Word ; ) with enough fury to make a biker blush.

  2. Dima Says:

    I think you’re the epitome of lady-ness with all that wonderful nice talk at the end there. Fuck that! I unfortunately may be an over-user of the F-word, but it certainly rolls out and it’s never awkward. Then again, I never pretended to be a lady. ummkay?

  3. Christoph Says:

    Horses make me laugh. I could never be scared of a horse. If one ever pissed me off… it’s off to the glue factory for Mr. Ed. The truth of the matter is that horses are usually dumb chuckle-heads - they laugh and run around and get stuck in bushes and stuff like that.

    I once heard a horse pass gas. I nearly died! It was the loudest fart I had ever heard. I just laughed and laughed. It reminded me of the time my dad went to the hospital for a colonoscopy. When you get one of those - they pump your colon full of gas. and in the recovery room - you shout, shout and let it all out - and these are the things I could not do without. I sat in the recovery room with my dad and laughed at him as he was coming to. Next to my dad’s bed was an old lady. Like 80-something years old. She had just gone through the same thing. She was letting them rip louder than my dear father. It was a blast (no pun intended).

    Anyway, I just think of all that shit when I see a horse now. I just chuckle a bit and occasionally I rip one to pay homage to the moment.

    You should practice that. It’ll totally change your view of horses.

    As for the eff werd… you know I say that shit WAY too much. I accidently said it in a church when my friend was getting married. I guess the worst part was that I was in the wedding party and I said it right when the room went silent. Still - I guess it was better than farting at that moment. Oh well.

    4 in the kooch and 10 horses to make a gallon of Elmer’s.

  4. DaReaVeRoFBiTs Says:

    Hmmm, I guess the eff werd kinda flows outta my mouth like butta. It’s bad, but I have recently changed to just actually saying the letters WTFO. But did the horse cry after you reached inside and pulled out the F-Bomb from your hidden, inner deviant?

  5. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    Hmmm… I have big boobs. maybe that’s why I can say the F-word so easily? or were you talking about a different kind of flats?

    either way. nothin but love, momma!

  6. Hänni Says:

    Kerri - Horses … not really my thing. The equine thing brings up painful memories. Junior high stuff.

    Dima - Ha ha! I doubt anyone has ever accused you of pretending to be a lady either! *Much love*

    Christoph - “It was a blast” - OMFG you rule at fart talk. 4 in the kooch and 3 cheers for christoph.

    DaReaVeRoFBiTs - Ewww. I hope to never pull anything out of a horse, because that means i’d probably have to have my hand up their grasshole. And IMHO that’s a one-way street my friend.

    Cze-Johnson Carrie - OK you totally just called me out on the no boob sitch. You. Are. Awesome.

  7. FancyPants Says:

    I too am decensored from anything that may be foul and spoken. Ever since I was a wee lad riding bikes with the older boys who spoke words like ’shit’ and ‘fuck’ as much as they could, I started to do it too. It felt good, I was saying words that were not allowed to be said normally. The F bomb is a very special word because its so stupid that the fact there is something you can say that is so horrible it should never be spoken but at the same time, it just has a ring to it you can’t help but gawk at when it is said aloud in an argument. Now I spend my time finding new and interesting variations for the F bomb while driving in my car yelling at other drivers. I have moved on to a new level of cussing.

  8. Dima Says:

    Is that an insult homie? Oh DA’AM! Believe it or not, there are many situations in which the F-word is slient, internal, and mighty powerful, but is not relayed to the other party, even though they deserve. Hence, there are certain people that I have been able to fool into thinking I’m a lady. OKAY? Now I will proceed to boo you: BOOOOOO!

  9. gary Says:

    Hanni, I know you are too much a lady to use that word. Frankly, I can’t believe you even said it in your dreams. That’s just not right. Every time you wake up after one of these dreams, you need to go wash your mouth out with soap. :)

  10. spanky Says:

    your a nerd. ;-)

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