June 7th, 2006

So I went to the library today, which is—next to being lodged underneath some sweaty Goth’s cavernous armpit at a My Chemical Romance show—my favorite pastime.

And I know you’re like WTF.

I mean, a writer who likes books? Who woulda thunk it?

Shiiiit son.

But seriously, the library to me is like a strip club to sex fiends.

I think the only difference is, I don’t get particularly put off when the object of my attention is on its periodicals.

But yeah, so I’m at the library today and I walk up to this counter that says “Returns.” I’m carrying this stack of overdue books, so I toss them onto one of eight piles of paperbacks stacked 15 deep.

Behind said stacks is a woman who appears to be a librarian—the giveaway: she’s processing the returned books, running that pen-looking thing over the barcodes and placing them on some sort of rolling cart.

And I ask this librarian, “Hey, do you know where I can find ? I’ve been looking, but I haven’t seen it.”

Dead serious, the librarian answered:

“Check in non-fiction 648. If you can’t find it there, you’re going to have to ask a librarian where it is.”

And I just stood there, dumbfounded.

I mean, who the eff was this imposter manhandling the bestsellers? Isn’t that a librarian’s job?

Noting my deer-in-the-headlights gaze, the Woman Who Was Not A Librarian attempted to qualify her statement about why I should seek professional help (literarily speaking) with:

“This place is just filled with books!”

And that my friends, was the understatement of the year.

11 Haus Calls for “Orly?”

  1. Mel Says:

    Hey — sorry to have to let you know, but not everyone who works in a library is a librarian. The person checking in the books is generally a circulation clerk — often a part time job, requiring no previous qualifications. Librarians actually have to go to school and earn a masters degree before they can work as a Librarian. That is why they know all….
    I really enjoyed the idea of the library as strip club though…

  2. DaReaVeRoFBiTs Says:

    Library and strip club… I saw that in a movie once, LOVED IT!!!!! But not all sex fiends enjoy strip clubs. Trust me, I have never been to one. ;)

  3. stampydurst Says:

    So here’s one of my favorite stories. It’s somewhat along the same lines…bear with me. I went to an engagement party in Alabama several years ago. It was at a local bistro/bar. There were two bartenders - a young, wet behind the ears bartender and an older, obviously experienced bartender. When I walked up to the bar, I had the benefit of the young guy. I ordered a Rolling Rock (trust me, pickings were slim). The young guy looked at me and said (with a totally straight face), “I’m sorry ma’am, only domestic beers are part of the open bar.” My response? “Since when did Pennsylvania secede from the Union?” I could see the older bartender hang his head. “What?” said Junior. I repeated, “Since when did Pennsylvania secede from the Union?” “What?” again. Finally, the senior guy put him out of his misery and handed me my beer.

    And they say Americans aren’t good at geography.

  4. Dima Says:

    I’m still waiting to see what this story has to do with Orly, the airport.

    When I lived in Houston one summer, I went to the public library to get a card and borrow books, so I gave the lady my Illinois license, and she stared at it and started sweating bullets, then she declared nervously that she can’t find any of the information she was looking for because it wasn’t a Texas license and did not right away know where the date of birth and name and address would be. I won’t make a comment about all Americans, but experiences like this was one of the many reasons I formed strong opinions about Texans.

  5. tasha Says:

    on a ‘nothing to do with this post’ note, i’d just like to recommend something/one to you. i know you have a thing for the guys in eyeliner, as do i, so i stumbled across someone who isn’t quite gerard standards, but he’s hot. Check out davey havok of AFI :D

  6. Hänni Says:

    Mel—Gosh, chalk this one up to learning something new, huh? And I know you love books too (from your blog), tell me you don’t start slobbering like some sort of pervert when you walk into a room full of literature. It’s the best!

    DaReaVeRoFBiTs—ROFL. Oh and TMI! (being as I know you in real life and all.)

    stampydurst—Ha! I bet that kid was wondering was like “Union? Secede? Beer? What?” Great story.

    Dima—Wow this post is teaching me all kind of new things. I had no idea “Orly” was an airport. I see imagine it would be written about all the time in the MCR and Fall Out Boy teenyrocker forums that I pretend *not* to hang out in have heard about. A wiki search turned up this.
    O RLY?

    Tasha—I love, love, love AFI and yes, Davey Havoc is a doll (but not so much as our beloved Gee). And look, I found this pic where Davey’s actually applying eyeliner. Woot! And just for fun, here’s a pic of my first crush in eyeliner, Robert Smith of the Cure.

  7. DaReaVeRoFBiTs Says:

    I guess the appropiate comment would have been, YA RLY!

    and the O RLY owl, http://animalpicturesarchive.com/animal/ViewImg.cgi?img=a7/Snowy_Owl_Nyctea_scandiaca_005-by_John_White.jpg

  8. gary Says:

    I’ve never been underneath a sweaty Goth’s cavernous armpit, so I’ll just take your word for it. :)

  9. kerri Says:

    Libraries have interns now?

    I have to admit, I was always quite fond of the bar coder wand. Perhaps that is what I should have asked for for my birthday: A bar coder wand. Or an internship at a library where I can use one.

  10. Smug Ellie Says:

    I investigated that book you wanted to find. Cutting down a 100-year-old tree to plant carrots should be a CRIME. That author is on my list, and I think you know which list I speak of…

  11. Hänni Says:

    Darling Smug—Don’t bother with organic book. It’s not for you. But I’ll tell you what you absolutely *must* read. . It is a) based in the 80s b) about college kids, and c) is British! It’s right up your alley darling.

    When you pee your pants laughing over the mom who pops her cap, you have to call me and thank me.

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