May 17th, 2006

Today marks the third time in six months that I have, at other’s requests, removed a post from this blog. The Ghost Post—like its twin predecessors—was deemed to be “Too Hot for the Haus” by people I love IRL.

And while I may be good at quite a few things—Re: googling my own name, eating organic raisins, or fawning over boys who wear makeup, I’m really no good with apologies.

Because seriously, I *heart* every word I write. And I don’t know about you, but I think this blog kicks a$$. Plus it’s totally saved my life … like three times.

… But actually that life-saving thing isn’t true. But what is true, what is so very real, and what I would shout from the rooftops if I weren’t afraid of heights is this:

More than pixels and fonts and an electronic framework, this blog is a love letter. And it’s written to commemorate my life.

Even with all its shit-talking irreconcilable bitchiness.

And sometimes I include things about people I hold dear, my mother or father, sister or ex-boyfriend, because—like veins converging at the heart—their stories are often inextricably intertwined with mine.

And I’ve probably been insensitive a time or two or twenty. But it’s just that I don’t think what I write on the Internet should be a cause for offense.

The Internet is not the Real World after all; it’s simply the Real World Wide Web.

When people freak about something I post or tell me a story sucks, I take it personally. Seriously, I’ve spent many-a-sleepless-night wondering “did I go too far with that diarrhea diatribe?”(Undoubtedly, the answer to this question is yes.)

This worry about self-censorship, about always being so-funny-Haw-knee has made me wishy washy.

Sometimes, like today, I feel I should stop causing myself the grief.

I think maybe, just maybe, I should stop blogging.

And this thought makes me incredibly sad. I hope it makes you sad too.

So I’ve done some reflecting and I know I can’t quit this blog. It’s my retarded child—sure its kind of effed up, but I’m so totally in love with it that sometimes I just wanna cry.

Yes, I am that lame.

Now I’m not a big fan of making rules. After all, I’ve been a Rebel with a Clause all my life. But today I’m going to set some.

From here on out, anything that gets posted to the haus stays on the haus. Although I will attempt to exercise restraint for those folks who don’t want the world to know they hooked up with a Thai stripper (Hi G!), I will no longer remove any posts, period.

I won’t even remove the crappy ones … and there are quite a few of those.

If you don’t like what I’m posting, I encourage you to fight back. Start your own blog. You can call it “STFUHANNI!!!” and you can use it to berate me, via your keyboard, on a fort-nightly basis.

In concluding this post, I would just like to remind you, dear hannihaus readers, that my blog is meant to tickle your gigglebone and does not (typically) cause headache, nausea, vomiting, or oily anal discharge.

That is all.

Update: OMGWTF!

Somebody who reads this blog is an evil genius … and he totally sent me that link.

I don’t know about you, but after posting this shit, a drink sounds really good. Why don’t you pick one for me? AI Cocktail Countdown in the sidebar.

33 Haus Calls for “Notice”

  1. Sarcomical Says:

    i DID read the Phantom Post, and it was good. because it was real. and what you’re talking about now is exactly why i’ve gone to great lengths to make sure no one in my family knows about mine. somehow, i think that would complicate things and i never wanted to worry about offending anyone.

    keep going, you. ;)

  2. gary Says:

    I personally didn’t think that post went beyond the bounds of good taste. Of course, that may be because I wasn’t the subjrct of it.

    BTW, the main reason I blog anonymously is that I know I would be inhibited if I didn’t. I always admire those people like you who can just throw it out there. I really do.

  3. Half a Beaner Says:

    I missed the post but I would be really upset without Hännihaus. Don’t beat yourself up over a blog! And for the love of grace and kindness DON’T STOP BLOGGING. I enjoy your blog so much because it’s wacky and weird and unrehearsed. The oily anal discharge is just the bonus.

  4. Hänni Says:

    Sarcomical - Thanks for your encouragement lady. And about the anonmity, lol! I can’t imagine anyone being offended by your blog!

    gary - Oh wow! Your vote of confidence means a lot gary. Sometimes I wonder why you keep visiting, being that your blog is so totally charming and you would *never* write a diarrhea diatribe.

    Half a beaner - Hurray for oily anal discharge! … or not. Seriously, I love that you got into blogging after reading the haus. If I can inspire one person sit down at a keyboard and punch out a post, then all the angsty, wishy washiness is worth it. Cheers to you!

  5. Dima Says:

    I like the real stuff too. We don’t always need to write funny takes on life without talking about real things at least every once in a while. I do love all the real people in my life, but my theory is, which actually goes for them and my readers alike, if they find themselves often offended by what I say, I advise them that it’s better not to read then, or go ahead and comment as meanly as they want. It’s a forum for free speech, and I practice it both ways, giving and receiving! Don’t you dare take the Haus down!

  6. spanky Says:

    dont beat yourself up hans!
    it’s all in good fun, your stories are great so keep it up.
    hey, it’s life. LOL
    what a kick

  7. stampydurst Says:

    Hanni, I haven’t been commenting much lately as I have been tied up in a personal pity-party (table for one). Just wanted to say that I loved the phantom story (don’t worry appalled family members - I won’t repeat it to all those friends in Alaska n=0). Keep on rockin’ Hanni. And dear god, stock up on some advil and vitamin water for the morning after.

  8. Cody Says:

    Scheisse. Now I really want to read the phantom post. I feel like I’ve missed out on something spectacular.

    The last part of your post is plain, good policy. Your blog is essentially an open book for all the world to see, so it probably comes as no surprise that someone, somewhere isn’t going to like what you write and will take the time to send an emaill or leave a comment enumerating the various ways why you rub them the wrong way.

    Don’t fret it, sista.

  9. Amber Says:

    Man can I relate! I am constantly feeling like the “man” is suppressing my brilliant blogs due to *possibly* offending someone. I hate it and have thought about starting an anonymous blog, but I’m too much of an exhibitionist and feel like the thrill might be gone if I wasn’t always on the edge of wanting to shock my friends and family.

    Plus, DAMN that story was funny! Made me think of all of the brilliant writings I could do regarding hearing parental nasties…then I thought against that. Cause I don’t need to revisit the baggage I’ve already unloaded at the psychotherapist’s office.

    Hanni - you ROCK!

  10. kerri Says:

    I heart you Haw-knee. And I’m so glad you talked yourself out of not putting to sleep this retarded child of yours that I love so much before I had to come down there and talk you out of it myself. Although that would have been a great! excuse to re-visit Florida. ; )

    And I don’t think you’re wishy-washy. Unless that means you half-heartedly wash your linens. In which case, I hate laundry. And now I am just talking nonsense, as it is past my bedtime. But basically, my point: You write very well. And very real. Even WHEN you are writing diatribes about diarrhea.

    Also, I have an awesomely great organic trail mix that I am going to bring to Stanley! for you to try. It’s amazing! And full of soy nuts, wee!

  11. the village idiot Says:

    awwww, i missed it.

    didja show your butt?

    Have a Day!
    the idiot

  12. Dog Mom Says:

    The Haus was the first blog I ever visited, so obviously, you and your Haus are very near and dear to my heart. While I missed the post in question, I’m sorry that it made you question yourself. You can’t make everyone happy all the time– remember the Pillsbury Doughboy-lovin’ Fangurl (can I mention her here?) *shudders*–but it’s your blog and your life and if you want to share it, so be it. You have lots of fans and we love you just the way you are. Besides, you’re the only other chick I know who has such a great love for butt humor. Big thumbs up from me, girl.

  13. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    dude… you’re off your rocker, period.

    the diarrhea diatribe was in PERFECTLY good taste.

    I heart you, Hännikins…. plain and simple. Keep on keepin on.


  14. FancyPants Says:

    Hanni you and your haus are the reason I started my silly web site. So you are an inspiration to newbies like me! I see your success and it fills a poor writer with confidence that one day I too will have a blog page as fun as this!

  15. JB Says:

    don’t let the bastards get you down, H. fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

  16. Summer Says:

    Hey! Now here’s a subject I know something about…egh.

    Blogging naked, as they say, gets hard. So hard, in fact, that sometimes it’s hard to bounce back from over-exposure and hurt feelings and still be in possession of your own voice. Jeebus knows, I’m still struggling to recover my own. When you let other people set the rules (or the pace, for that matter), you’re not being genuine. And when you’re not being genuine, you can’t write authentically.

    Just keep doing what you do, Hänni. You know what’s best.

  17. ScottyGee Says:

    You can’t stop blogging. You are the only Eskimo blogger I know. You have to reprezent, yo. Straight from the igloo, dog.

    Besides, we still have to compete as a team in the one man sled Ididerod, Ididherrod, Idideroad, Ididacod, Ibidapod, Ichumbawumbadod, Ichinersaw… You know the dog sled race. I’ll be the dog. You bring the whip. Cream… Whipped cream… Yeah…

    I still fear for your sis’s sanity after seeing what she saw… *shudder*

  18. Erin Mc Says:

    I missed the post too, but I just wanted to say that I heart you.

  19. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    so wait… isn’t someone supposed to say something like “one in the blog and two hits in the hole!!!” ???

    still loving you, even though you’re not sharing the phantom post… bitch.


  20. JB Says:

    nono, that’s the Big Shocker.

  21. Man About Town Says:

    Good for you! Stand your ground and let the others deal with whatever it is.

    Now…quit dissing Mariah. LOL

  22. christoph Says:

    Dag! I read this damn blog every day - waiting - hoping - praying that one day, you, Hännibus, will talk about some embarassing moment you have experienced.

    For instance, I heard this story about this chick who came home and walked in on her dad totally making a pearl necklace on his stomach for his wife (her mom). Her mom loves pearls. But I guess she was embarrassed because she wasn’t supposed to know about the present - and what’s worse is that there was a “Dirty” movie in the VCR. I think it was the one where he says, “Do you feel lucky punk? Well, do ya?!?” and then shoots the guy. She thinks it makes her dad seem old when he watches that stuff. She also mentioned that he was wearing Chaps. She is not a big Ralph Lauren fan and hates the Chaps khaki look.

    Anyhow, I felt she was being a bit dramatic about the whole thing. I mean, come on. It’s not like she walked in on the guy abusing his uglies to some porn - right?!?

    Just remember - every time you masterbate - God erases a vote for your favorite American Idol contestant. Please, Hänni, think of the American Idol contestants!

    4 in the kooch and 33.06% for me to poop on!

  23. Christoph Says:

    of course I meant masturbate… ahem

  24. ZP Says:

    while one post has been yanked (and damn if i didn’t miss out), there are innumerable others to keep us entertained…be it hershey squirts, oversized pop-stars (i wish there were oversize pop-tarts), or random hanni hijinks, it’s all good…and you’ve got a hell of a readership!

    just keep us home where the light is (

  25. ZP Says:

    my comment got cut off!

    i was just gonna say…


  26. ZP Says:

    oh crap i figured it out!


    post continued…

    (love jm) for it is the light we seek at!

    and if i ever find myself in FL, i’ll be most happy to help you finish off all that random liquer you’ve got left over from your countdown!

    keep on bloggin dots!

    (i put in a without the right one…it didn’t like me…and now i have 5 minutes to get ready for work………)

  27. spanky Says:

    just to make it known to those who read the phantom post. nothing was seen so my soul is allright for now.

  28. Paddymick Says:

    Unfortunately, I missed the post. I have been busy with a few things of my own so I have been kind of “out of the loop”.

    All I can say, Hanni, is… you shouldn’t have. There is already too much false persona being broadcast over the internet. We need to be brave enough to allow people to see how we think be cause all of that is part of who we are.

    I have many, many writings on my site that offended people very near and dear to me. It is not comfortable for me to write these things and it is not comfortable for some people to read these things. But what it comes down to is my readers and I come to a more perfect understanding of the other.

    We all have our own personalities and beliefs. I don’t assume that the post your removed was some thoughtless, flippant, off-the-cuff kind of post simply because you are to meticulous for that type of thing. Assuming a little more (again, I am really disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to read it), I would hazard a bet that it voiced your opinion about something–maybe something controversial.

    Just guessing here, but if I am anywhere near the mark, I think you made the wrong decision to pull it down.

  29. Christoph Says:

    Spanky… Thank God! That image would have melted into your retinas.

  30. Hänni Says:


    Not to get all “Sensitive Artist” here, but what the readers may not realize is, everything I write is strategically crafted. My creative brain is constantly throwing out new scenerios, concepts, ways of engaging the readers. It kind of irks me that I should feel compelled to backpeddle on something I’ve already conceptualized and decided to publish.

    I mean shoot, it may take me 3 hours to write something, but sometimes the concept plays out in my head for *days* before its finished.

    I know it sounds nerdy. I dunno, this is something you just might have to be artsy fartsy to understand.

  31. kooks Says:

    i’m nothing if not artsy fartsy. if it didn’t take me days to adequately conceptualize most of my posts, i’d probably be publishing them a lot more frequently. removing something i have already posted would be difficult simply because of the time and energy involved in getting it to my page. i enjoy your site because it is clearly a creative investment on your part, well-crafted and well-written, funny as hell, and not just a catch-all for randomness. i love that.

  32. spanky Says:

    hanni dont be so dramatic. i mean come on. yeah yeah yeah free speech and all that junk. love ya

  33. Sam Says:

    Post away. It is your blog so write what you feel like writing.

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