January 3rd, 2006

In thinking about what I’d write today, I thought I might blog about how Stinky Sphynxy woke me up this morning – I.e. with his little, scaly tongue lodged in my armpit, licking like I was made out of organic kitty kibble – but that, dear hannihaus readers, would be admittedly lame.

And I made a resolution yesterday. What was it again? To suck in 2006? Nope! I resolved to rock this blog, and that, thanks to a little audience participation, is what we’re gonna do.

You see, I was minding my own business, going about my day when - suddenly - I received the first nastygram of 2006!

It was beautiful. I called it “Fresh content –Poppin’ Fresh content.”

Mariah It all started innocently enough. This morning I was surfing the ‘Smack, and as is my custom, I talked some trash in comments. Inspired by a series of truly heinous Mariah Carey New Years pics, I was prompted to post that the singer looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I mean seriously. Look at that pose and the white I’ma-bout-to-bust-outta-this dress she’s wearing and tell me you don’t think she’d go “hoo-hoo” if you poked her belly. I’m just being real folks, just being real.

So anyway, several hours later disgruntled Mariah fangurl, “Jennifer” stopped by the haus, and here’s what she had to say:

“Ok first of all I found you by your comment on CelebritySmack. You called Mariah Carey a Pillsberry Dough Boy…Have you looked In the mirror lately???? She Is a billion times better looking then YOU! I guarantee that ANY man would pick her over your four eyed horse face…Your New Years Resolution should be to get plastic surgery for your nose,eyes,and chin to look more feminine and to Lose some Weight..have you heard of a gym???? Maybe you should stop Blogging for a while and turn to Jogging.”

Mmmm k, Jenny. A few things:

1. You misquoted me. I called Mariah Carey a Pillsbury Doughboy. I’m not familiar with the “Pillsberry” Dough Boy, but I imagine he spends his days hanging out with his cousin, the dim-witted Dingleberry.

2. Yes I have looked in the mirror lately. It’s something I, and billions of other people do on a daily basis, because, you know, it’s comforting to see that reflection and know you’re not a blood-sucking vampire.

3. Do you really think Mariah “Is” a billion times better looking than ME? One billion is a big number. I’d venture to say she’s only 999 million times better… for me to poop on.

4. Where do you get off calling me a four-eyed horse face? You obviously know nothing about me, because if you did, you’d know to call me “four-eyed buttface” or “four-eyed fartface” –At least that’s what they said last time I had to endure such lame, juvie name calling. I was six. It was 1985.

5. Yes maybe my New Years resolution should be to get plastic surgery and lose some weight. The only problem is, despite your grandiose impressions of me, I’m genetically pretty small, and if I lost weight I’d probably end up looking like Skeletor or Nicole Richie (same thing). Now Jen, if I was getting plastic surgery to gain weight – say in those areas where I’m seriously lacking (*eh hem* boobs) - well, that might work out just fine.

6. Yes I have heard of a gym. Haven’t you?

7. Good suggestion about stopping blogging and starting jogging, but I think what this post has taught us is that we don’t need to toil on the treadmill in order to get all hot and bothered. For spewing your verbal diarrhea all over my bright, shiny blog, I thank you.
And I’m spent. Tune in the for the next thrilling installment, dear hannihaus readers, where I inevitably receive tons of hate mail in response to this post. Huzzah!

38 Haus Calls for “Nastygram”

  1. Adam Zachary Says:

    I must say, you have stepped it up. You have certainly done justice to your resolution. High five from a fellow four-eyed Mariah dispiser.

  2. mrtl Says:

    Hoo-hoo! I’m sure Mariah would appreciate Jennifer’s attempt to defend her doughy honor, especially with some rhyming genius as “blogging” and “jogging.” Does Jennifer own a copy of Glitter as well?

  3. Dima Says:

    Dear “Jennifer”, you obviously need to come to terms with the fact that you are blind, because if you weren’t blind, you would realize that Mistress of the Haus is a fit beautiful woman. And “Jennifer” it’s ok if no one thinks you’re hot anymore and you’re too fat and you are indeed Mariah herself running out of shit to do and going around spreading your fat unemployed self all over the internet harrassing those with a life. Hanni is the fitness queen, and if you somehow missed that, you have obviously never learned how to read, you little ignorant bitch. You’re a hater. If you don’t have anything good to say on the Internet, then keep your little pie hole shut, or just each till you pop!

    Sincerely (bite me),

  4. Dima Says:

    It should be “EAT till you pop.”

  5. Von Krankipantzen Says:

    *snicker* I never get hate comments like that. Bummer.

  6. stampy Says:

    Hey Fatty McFatPants!

    If you really wanted to be bitch, you’d point out that Mariah is wearing white way after Labor Day (and don’t give me no back talk about “winter white”). And nobody looks good rockin’ the white body suit - even Nicole R. So even if the camera adds 10 pounds (and 4 cup sizes) she’s got no excuse.

    Now as for Jennifer - I, too, heartily applaud the rhyming of blogging and jogging. Perhaps once she learns to spell, she’ll give William Blake a run for his money.

    Keep on Rockin’ Hanni and please keep us up to date on the ‘Smack. While I can’t bring myself to look (K. Fed is like that proverbial car wreck you can’t turn away from) I depend on you and msn for my celebrity gossip.

    Wishin’ I was phat like you.

  7. Cody Says:

    Damn, girl. What a smackdown! You’re all that and a bag of Doritos….and that super delicious Frito-Lay bean dip.

  8. ScottyGee Says:

    Who ever thought someone would be so crazed and deranged over Mariah Carey? Clay Aiken I could understand, but Mariah?

    I don’t know where Jen is from, but four eyed horse faced girls are all the rage here. They are more in demand than Toyota Prius’ and organic raisins. Can you believe that? So be proud sister!


  9. bring on the dancing horses Says:

    i agree that it’s the fluffy white dress-ness that (cough) rounds out the PBDB look for ms. carey.

    i will respectfully point out to the young woman begetting herself to be offended on mariah’s behalf that this was posted on the celebrity ‘SMACK site (i.e. all about talking “’smack”, a.k.a. “trash” ), so the fact that a little chiding was going on should not really have surprised her.

    and there’s much more reason to be a fan of the 4-eyed horseface than the pop-tart M.C. for one thing, you’re way funnier. and if you had a music video, i have doubts that you’d agree to pout seductively in every frame.

    but hey…can’t we all just get along? all of us - from the painfully emaciated nicole ritchie to the well-curved and poorly-attired mariah to the charmingly bespectacled hanni? i would like to think there’s a place for all of us…

  10. gary Says:

    Great post. Really POPPIN FRESH. I think Mariah is a truly great singer, but she IS pooching out in that photo. Facts are Facts.

  11. Hänni Says:

    Adam Zachary - Four-eyes rool!

    mrtl - Truly Mariah’s biggest fan, Jennifer not only owns Glitter, but saw it in the theater a whole two times - that’s the amount of plays it got before the cinemaplex put that stinkbomb back in the can. In case you are wondering mrtl, I have *never* seen Glitter b/c I obviously abhor Mariah Carey.

    Dima - “Eat til you pop” - good idea. I bet that’s what happened to Mariah here.

    Von kranki - Well if you really want some nastygrams, I could certainly funnel some of mine your way…

    Stampy - Honey wearing white after labor day is the least of Mariah’s problems. I’d make fun of her using the lyrics of her own songs, but *gasp* I don’t know any. PS you’re totally phat too!

    Cody - Wait. First I’m a fat-ass, four-eyed horse face and now you say I’m a bag of chips with super tasty dip? I’ll take the frito lay thing as a compliment, because i’m a big fan of bean dip. Not unironically (esp as we are talking about singers) beans happen to be the musical fruit.

    ScottyGee - You asked who could get all worked up about Mariah Carey. I’m not sure, but I suspect it might be the same kind of person who created this. (OMG who decided to photograph David Hasselhof naked?)

    bring on the dancing horses - What a diplomatic response - the bespectacled one thanks you for your tact. Yes, in case Jennifer missed the nuance implied by the name “CelebritySmack”, there is a clearly displayed tagline that says “We don’t kiss celebrity ass around here,” which pretty much means Mariah’s (huge) ass is fair game.

    gary - To be fair, I hear Ms. Carey has been getting steroid injections for her neck which cause the weight gain. Now, her propensity for wearing clothes that are 10 sizes to small - that’s her fault.

  12. mrtl Says:

    O.M.G. You are KIDDING about the DH site. I must have the airplane!

  13. Summer Says:


  14. Cody Says:

    Wait a sec. Four eyes kick ass. I just happn to have a set of removable lenscrafter eyes myself. As for the horseface response, why you frettin’? It’s impossible to look like one. Jen is obviously speaking from the same muscle she uses to pass the nights dinner away.

  15. Susie Says:

    1. Woo hoo, look at me, commenting on Hanni’s blog :)

    2. I am a much bigger fan of the Pillsbury Doughboy than I am of Mariah Carey. I think the little “hoo hoo” is cute as can be, and I enjoy a number of products that the little fella endorses. So, on Mariah’s behalf, I wouldn’t have been insulted at all.

    3. Um, can’t think of a 3. That is all.

  16. Hänni Says:

    mrtl - Did you print one?

    Summer - howdy!

    Cody - Yeah, i personally don’t mind having glasses. They allow me to do things like see more than two feet in front of my face.

    Susie - *Whew* we finally got your comments working. And I agree, being associated with something as wonderful and warm as flaky refridgerator croissants should hardly be considered a bad thing.

  17. stampy Says:

    OH THE HORROR! When will I learn never to click on links. I’m not sure which is more disturbing - Hasselhoff naked with wrinkly dogs, or the on of him in the banana hammock. Will be washing my eyes out with bleach should anyone be looking for me.

    Her phatness jr.

  18. Spicy Pants! Says:


    Gawd was that a fucking joke. Someone sure got their panties all wadded up thanks to you! You bitch! ;)

    THEN they decided to hop from my blog to yours, spreading joy and love with them. I apologize that the TWAT came from my site.

    BTW, funny you have the linky for the Bloggies…I just nominated you LAST NIGHT!

    Luv ya GF,


  19. Erin Says:

    Wow Spicy herself commenting!

    Congrats on the nomination!!

    I honeslty cringe when people send things like that, especially when they attack physical appearances. If you need to lose weight, then I need a crane to lift me out of bed each morning. Who calls anyone four eyes anymore..? And also, I am pretty sure that people go to plastic surgeons and request your jaw line.

    And we wonder why so many people in america have eating disorders and low self esteem. And really… although Mariah definitely needs a new stylist, she doesn’t look bad. I would rather see a few extra lbs than look like she needs to eat a sandwich (i.e. Nicole Ritchie).

    Ok I am off my soap box.

    I’m gonna go start jogging and save the blogging for later ;)

  20. wordgirl Says:

    *People who decide to go on the attack for stupid reasons need to make sure they don’t appear semi-literate when they express their lame-ass viewpoints by spelling shit wrong.

    *It’s hard to believe that someone would criticize the devices that aid those of us with poor eyesight. What’s next Jennifer? Making fun of people with prosthetic limbs? Are you gonna smack down chemo patients who wear wigs?

    *You’re gorgeous and it must be eating Jennifer alive to see it.

    *People who have two asses instead of one (Mariah Carey is one. What about you, Jennifer?) should never wear white below the waist. It makes one look as though one is hauling two angry bulldogs in a sack.

    *It’s okay if you have a little Girl Crush on Mariah, Jennifer. That’s totally your business. Just don’t come selling that kind of crazy around here and then go postal when nobody’s buying it.

    *Hanni rocks!

  21. Erin Says:

    Drama lol …

    I like that Mariah Carey is fat now. It makes me feel like maybe I could be a crazy diva pop-star in my next life too. A girl should never give up on her dreams.

    PS: I am a proud owner of Mariah Carey Merry Christmas but even I was a little taken aback by Mariah’s bare-ass in the freezing cold New Years Spectacular.

  22. anissaannalise Says:

    Well, clearly Jenny was seeking ridicule, so who am I to deny her? Hanni, I read the nitwit’s mini screed and my first thought was, “Who is this bitch?”. Like Mariah’s music if ya’ like (I’ve bobbed to a song or two, I’ll admit it.), but to defend that unholy ocular cruelty is just stupefying. Possibly Jenny is in her own special needs category. Her spelling seems quite affected, she seems have a pinky tic or very little CNS control (what is the deal with the multi “?”) and maybe most importantly, the lenses in her eyes must be reversed, giving her the ability to see a svelte & willowy Mariah while the rest of the viewing public saw either the Pillsbury Dough Boy or the Michelin Man. Poor witless wretch. Maybe we shouldn’t point while we laugh Jenny… because that would be rude. ;P

  23. anissaannalise Says:

    *Note on above post* missed word noticed post-post: “at” between Jenny & laugh. Clearly, typing while drinking is a hazzard. Oy vey! ;)

  24. Manuel Says:

    Your link to the Bloggies reminds me of the old IHOH, it’s amazing how far you’ve come… You’re right up there with bad sex now, Hänni!

  25. Hänni Says:

    Stampy - My bad. I should’ve posted a disclaimer: “caution: images of David Hasselhof sans clothes may cause nausea, headache, oily anal discharge or a desire to go blind.”

    Spicy Pants! - omg your readers are totally OC- gotta admit though, it’s kinda been fun dealing with the crazies. And omg about the bloggys. I’m so totally flattered to receive your nomination. Much love, as always.

    Erin - I think the great irony of the whole focus-on-the-physical thing is, people who post lame stuff like that, they almost never have the cojones to expose themselves. You won’t see Jennifer posting her pics on flickr anytime soon, I’d bet Mariah’s massive ass on it.

    wordgirl - Nah girl, you totally rock.

    Erin - Are you saying *gasp* you’re a fan… just not of the fanny?

    anissaannalise - lol @ the Michelin Man.

  26. Gym Jock Says:

    I’ve got to say, nothing comforts you like Pillsbury when you’re reading braille printouts of the Haus. I’m glad to inform everyone I’ve recovered vision in one eye, and am glad to see the new site, it’s fabulous!

    I’d like to think you and I have come along way since our unfortunate introduction, but I do think Jennifer makes some valid points about getting in shape; after all, it may be abs month, but who can resist working the pecs? Joking aside, I do miss seeing you at the gym, these days I always happen to end up next to an older woman who seems to be giving her vocal cords a workout by moaning, grunting, and heaving with the 2.5 lb free weights.

    Lastly, the reason I decided to speak up is that my unfortunate incident ended up on bad_sex… Don’t laugh, so did my seeing eye cat Senor Don Gato, and he wasn’t as fortunate!

    -Gym Jock

  27. Hänni Says:

    Manuel - are you saying my “vote 4 Hänni” banner is lame? You didn’t like it’s Napolean Dynamite freshness?

    Gym Jock - Glad to see you’re back at the haus. Sorry to hear about grunting Granny and sorry about going blind after taking too much viagra. I’m sure the kids at bad_sex still think you’re swell. I know I do.

  28. oregoncelticlady Says:

    OHMYGODDESS! How did I get here??? (I like it!) Oh, through village idiot! Why am I always amazed that people lack so much in their lives that they could twist their undies into a knot defending Mariah??? Hanni, love your site! It brings outthat little part in me that likes to enter chat rooms and mess with stupid people….did I say that out loud? Hey, come visit my serene little blog *laugh*.

  29. Hänni Says:

    Hey oregoncelticlady - leave your URL and I”ll check it out :)

  30. Sassy8877 Says:

    I don’t know which was better the original post, or the comments now.

    This is great reading.

  31. oregoncelticlady Says:

    Celtic Lady’s Rants…..see you there

  32. oregoncelticlady Says:


  33. Hänni Says:

    Sassy8877 - I totally agree. The comments to this post kick entirely too much ass. What a group of bright, savvy folks we’ve got here, huh?

    Oregoncelticlady - Thanks!

  34. Cze-Johnson Carrie Says:

    I know this post is old by now, but there is NEVER EVER a bad time to call Mariah fat.


  35. Hänni Says:

    cze-johnson carrie - You know it girl. Psst, you should check this out.

  36. Breckan-the-law Says:

    Ok, personally as someone who is a horsey aficianado, I would be honored and pleased to be compared to the amazing equine. I think she was just saying you were athletic, graceful, and enjoy carrots.

  37. Hänni Says:

    Hi Breckan! You’re absolutely right about everything… except the graceful and athletic part.

  38. LizzyBennet Says:

    I finally got my first nasty blog comment! It was in a response to a petty, bratty post I made. I even turned off comments on it! Then some lady comes on (from ovusoft, I think) and tells me what a spoiled brat I am! No duh! I warned you I was being petty before I even started! I deleted it though. I’m not clever enough to respond. It was nothing so good as four-eyed horseface, though. Four-eyes, maybe. horse face? definitely not!!

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