In thinking about what I’d write today, I thought I might blog about how Stinky Sphynxy woke me up this morning – I.e. with his little, scaly tongue lodged in my armpit, licking like I was made out of organic kitty kibble – but that, dear hannihaus readers, would be admittedly lame.
And I made a resolution yesterday. What was it again? To suck in 2006? Nope! I resolved to rock this blog, and that, thanks to a little audience participation, is what we’re gonna do.
You see, I was minding my own business, going about my day when - suddenly - I received the first nastygram of 2006!
It was beautiful. I called it “Fresh content –Poppin’ Fresh content.”
It all started innocently enough. This morning I was surfing the ‘Smack, and as is my custom, I talked some trash in comments. Inspired by a series of truly heinous Mariah Carey New Years pics, I was prompted to post that the singer looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
I mean seriously. Look at that pose and the white I’ma-bout-to-bust-outta-this dress she’s wearing and tell me you don’t think she’d go “hoo-hoo” if you poked her belly. I’m just being real folks, just being real.
So anyway, several hours later disgruntled Mariah fangurl, “Jennifer” stopped by the haus, and here’s what she had to say:
“Ok first of all I found you by your comment on CelebritySmack. You called Mariah Carey a Pillsberry Dough Boy…Have you looked In the mirror lately???? She Is a billion times better looking then YOU! I guarantee that ANY man would pick her over your four eyed horse face…Your New Years Resolution should be to get plastic surgery for your nose,eyes,and chin to look more feminine and to Lose some Weight..have you heard of a gym???? Maybe you should stop Blogging for a while and turn to Jogging.”
Mmmm k, Jenny. A few things:
1. You misquoted me. I called Mariah Carey a Pillsbury Doughboy. I’m not familiar with the “Pillsberry” Dough Boy, but I imagine he spends his days hanging out with his cousin, the dim-witted Dingleberry.
2. Yes I have looked in the mirror lately. It’s something I, and billions of other people do on a daily basis, because, you know, it’s comforting to see that reflection and know you’re not a blood-sucking vampire.
3. Do you really think Mariah “Is” a billion times better looking than ME? One billion is a big number. I’d venture to say she’s only 999 million times better… for me to poop on.
4. Where do you get off calling me a four-eyed horse face? You obviously know nothing about me, because if you did, you’d know to call me “four-eyed buttface” or “four-eyed fartface” –At least that’s what they said last time I had to endure such lame, juvie name calling. I was six. It was 1985.
5. Yes maybe my New Years resolution should be to get plastic surgery and lose some weight. The only problem is, despite your grandiose impressions of me, I’m genetically pretty small, and if I lost weight I’d probably end up looking like Skeletor or Nicole Richie (same thing). Now Jen, if I was getting plastic surgery to gain weight – say in those areas where I’m seriously lacking (*eh hem* boobs) - well, that might work out just fine.
6. Yes I have heard of a gym. Haven’t you?
7. Good suggestion about stopping blogging and starting jogging, but I think what this post has taught us is that we don’t need to toil on the treadmill in order to get all hot and bothered. For spewing your verbal diarrhea all over my bright, shiny blog, I thank you.
And I’m spent. Tune in the for the next thrilling installment, dear hannihaus readers, where I inevitably receive tons of hate mail in response to this post. Huzzah!