Chronic-wha-cles of California

March 27th, 2006

Who had a gay old time in San Francisco this weekend?

I did! I did!

My second time to the city filled with boys who like boys, San Fran did not disappoint. From the charm of Chinatown, to the beauty of the Bay, to screaming down steep hills on the Powell Street trolley, San Francisco is, quite simply, the bees knees.

lombard_street.jpgOne thing San Francisco is famous for is Lombard Street. As we wound our way down the cobblestones, past cheery Victorian homes, I heard Angelface say that Lombard is the most crooked street of the world. I think he might be wrong about that –after all, George Bush doesn’t even live in California… but I digress.

Another popular place in San Francisco is the Fisherman’s Wharf. The historic waterfront is home to great seafood, gorgeous views, cheap shopping, and of course, The World Famous Bushman. A street performer, people call the dude The World Famous Bushman because he makes bank scaring the bejesus out of folks, by leaping out from behind bushes. People also probably call him The World Famous Bushman because that’s what he has written in permanent marker on the front of his tip jar.world_famous_bushman.jpg

And that makes me think… I’ve got a sharpie and some Tupperware. Maybe I should set up shop on a street corner too. I could call myself The Incredible BitchAss. Maybe people would toss some shit in my tip jar, and maybe they’d toss some dollar bills in there too.

But anyway, obvious targets in our tourist uniform of discount jackets with SF emblazoned across the chest, the ‘Bushman scared us pretty bad. My sister-in-law who is an ER nurse said “That’d be real funny if he scared someone and they ended up having a heart attack.” I said I agreed, but actually I think that wouldn’t be funny at all. Everyone knows that heart attacks just don’t get the laughs like scaring someone into having herpes does.

pier_39.jpgOne thing about vacationing in California is, you never know when you’re going to see a celebrity. I was pretty sure I saw Mariah Carey down at Pier 39. But actually it was just a fat-ass sea lion - one of about 50 sunning themselves on the docks - which had his flipper raised high, like he was reaching for heaven…or ho hos.

Down at the pier there a ton of cute little shops where you can buy all kinds of crap. Since Angel’s maaa wanted to get a cable car ornament, we stopped somewhere. When we got to the register, Angel kept asking if the ornament qualified as a “model.” I couldn’t figure out why he was repeatedly asking this dumb question, but then I read the sign where his eyes were transfixed: “Buy a model, pull the cord.”

The cord, mounted above the register, was attached to a trolley bell. Even though the ornament didn’t technically qualify, the clerk let Angel pull cord. This is probably because Angel is 25, and most times when someone nearly pees themselves over the pulley, they are 10.


In concluding this travelogue, I would just like to leave you with this thought: Alcatraz: it’s known as “The Rock,” but yet, when I had a look around, I found no evidence of screaming guitars, too-tight hot pants, or boys who wear makeup.

Perhaps we should call it “The Soft Rock” or “The Smooth Jazz” instead.


Til next, dear hannihaus readers, adieu.
Update B/c you asked for it, here they are: click for my San Fran pics.  If you’re bored, Angel’s got some too.

14 Haus Calls for “Chronic-wha-cles of California”

  1. Dima Says:

    Is that the Bushman carrying around a bush? I like San Fran! My favorite Cali city!

  2. Manuel Says:

    heh, welcome back… you missed a great segment about San Fran in HD, to me that’s better than being there in person, but that’s from someone who would use their vacation days to catch up on REM cycles at my own haus.

  3. fancypants Says:

    Hänni, I am totally jelous of the fact you can freely prance across the country and see such cool places on a normal weekend. Please have pity on the poor souls such as mine who are forever bound in once place.

  4. mrtl Says:

    I’m with fancypants. Jealous and bitter. But maybe we’ll go to A&W tonight for dinner, and I’ll be sure to ring the bell on the way out. So there.

  5. Amanda B Says:

    I love San Francisco- I just wish it wasn’t so damned expensive.

    Glad you had fun!

  6. Sarcomical Says:

    i don’t think anyone else could have described the trip in such an entertaining way. ;) you MUST post more pictures. and all i can think of when reading about the bell is rice-a-roni.

    i vote for “the smooth jazz”. i mean, THAT sounds like a fun place to go to jail, no?

  7. Hänni Says:

    Dima - yes, the bushman doesn’t just hide behind a bush, he actually carries a bush around with him!

    Manuel - Aww, you can sleep when you’re dead.

    fancypants - I pity the fool with the fanciest pants. Consider yourself pitied.

    mrtl - What makes your statement truly sad mrtl, is that I know the A&W isn’t even a standalone restaurant. It’s one of those gas station deals. The bell you’re talking about is the one that dings to let the attendants know there’s someone at the pump, right?

    Amanda B - What? You think paying $40/night to park is expensive?!

    Sarcomical - Posted pics for your viewing pleasure. And I can’t stand Smooth Jazz . They used to play it in this office I worked in one summer. It was pure hell!

  8. stampy Says:

    Well, I am soooo glad to hear you were in San Francisco. Here I was thinking you were in SoCal and I was going to have to internet bitchslap you for not calling ahead or having a wheatgrass and vodka cocktail with l’il old me. Glad you had a great time. I, too, have pictures in front of the Chinatown gate with horrible SanFran hair. I think it’s the humidity. But while yours looks long and healthy, I usually look like the bride of Frankenstein. Talk to Angelface about having his family meet you in San Diego next time so we can hang.

    Welcome home.

  9. gary Says:

    Wouldn’t it be funny if the bushman scared somebody and they ended up with herpes?
    Have fun.

  10. ScottyGee Says:

    Did you get your fill of boys in make up?

    Sounds like a blast. Herpes… It’s the real San Francisco Treat!

  11. Hänni Says:

    Stampy - I would *never* consider visiting so-cal and not seeing you. My bro actually lives in Modesto, so i’ll likely be heading out that way once more before summer. Wheatgrass and vodka sounds divine.

    gary - It would be better if the Bushman got herpes. That dude is a douche.

    ScottyGee - Yes. There was a lot of eyeliner in San Francisco, much of it on boys. I was squeeeing all the way down Market Street.

  12. smug ellie Says:

    sea lions make huge poo

  13. Hänni Says:

    Smug ellie - so do you!

  14. smug ellie Says:

    lovely. part of me is laughing, the other part is horrified.

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