Original Gangsta

December 27th, 2005

For some it’s chicken soup, but for me, it’s a big, old bowl of ice cream (or two).

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sad

I reach for the Edy’s Double Fudge Brownie and then I don’t feel so bad.

Things have been really bad at our (sick) house this past week. What with all the hacking and coughing, phlegm, and fevers, it’s been absolutely essential that Angelface and I put down 1.5 gallons of Pillsbury, Breyers and (of course) Edy’s ice cream.

It was whilst delving into my third daily serving of Turtle Fudge Brownie that I thought to tell Angel, “You’d better enjoy this body now. I’m going to keep eating ice cream like this, and in only two years I’ll be 100lbs heavier.”

Angelface replied, “Do that and your left ring finger will be 2 ounces lighter.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I thought.

My first reaction was to shudder in horror, as I remembered a post at the Indolent Factotum (Kiss Him, He’s Alaskan) called “My finger for your love” The post linked to a story about fetishists who chewed each other’s digits off as a show of affection.

“My God,” I thought, “Angel wants to eat Ring Man!”

… And then, I grew a brain.

“Oh wait,” I told Angel, “Are you trying to be clever? Are you telling me you’d leave me if I gained weight?” (Assuming a wedding band = 2 oz.)

Thoughtfully, Angelface answered, “Do you think K-Fed would stay with Britney if she was fat?”


I didn’t even know what to say except “Are you calling yourself K-Fed now?”

After a few moments of silence, Angelface with ice cream bowl perched on belly and Xbox controller in hand replied, “Baby, don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Apparently my husband’s been hitting the ‘Smack again.

8 Haus Calls for “Original Gangsta”

  1. mrtl Says:

    Can we say that you’re both still sick and call it a draw?

  2. Dima Says:

    Whatever ANGELFACE! He’d be only so lucky to have that much more of you to love! Bah!

  3. Cody Says:

    I was inculcated at an early age to never ask/talk about a woman’s weight. Doing so was tantamount to slapping a nun in the face with a rubber male phallus (often frowned upon). You just didn’t do it.

    Bad Angelface. Bad.

  4. Hänni Says:

    mrtl - Absolutely. We’re all sick and brain addled. We’re like the Cheshire cat over here - straight up crazy.

    Dima - Oh man, when Angel read this post he was like “Everyone’s going to leave comments that say they hate me.” And he looked all sad. Seriously, he’s such a great guy and this conversation was totally in jest. I’m quite convinced he’d still love me even if i grew a third eye or something.

    cody - lol @ the phallus.

  5. Margarita Guadelupe de la Conchita Torrez Says:

    You’d only be more of a gorgeous-dazzling-fox-to-love with 100 more pounds.

    (There is surgery for the third eye.)

  6. Sassy8877 Says:

    My little brother (13 yrs) corrected my Mother last night when she said, “I have eaten so much that I am going to have to shop in the big and fat section of the clothing store now” and he said, “no, that is the More To Love section Mom”.

    That kid is a quick learner.

  7. Phineahs Gray Says:

    Angel face would be getting a deal if you gained 100 more pounds. It would be like getting two women for the price of one. How hot would that be!

    Although, I must give angel face a gold star for the witty “Your finger will be 2 oz lighter” reply.

  8. Hänni Says:

    Margarita - But if I had surgery for the third eye, would it remove my vision? Would I be Third Eye Blind? *snort snort*

    Sassy8877 - “More To Love” section - classic! What a boy genius!

    Phineahs Gray - Two of me would be hotter than a Mexico City jalapeno fest. In the words of P. Hilton, now that’s hot!

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