Ok, I am an idiot. I feel really bad about the last post so, for the first time in hannihaus history, I removed something that had already been published.
It was rude, and highly uncouth, and totally misrepresentative of who I am and what this blog is about. It was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but then, eight hours later when you wake up, and your brain is all foggy from some misspent monkeyshines, you realize that you have been a Grade-A Jackass.
Note to self: If you ever have the notion of “I think I might regret this in the morning” then DON’T EFFING POST IT.
I’m so sorry, dear hannihaus readers. For my trespasses, I hope you can forgive.
So, I’m not sure how to make this right, except maybe we can do a little trash talking.
Let’s talk about me and my toes.
My 10 little piggys, they are entirely hairy. And when I say hairy, I’m not talking about a cute little poof, no I’m talking full-on, werewolf lady, kids-mistaking-them-for-fuzzy-black-caterpillars hairy.
And … I’ve never said this here before, but if I don’t take care of it, the same can be said of my upper lip.
Ooh, what do we think about that?
And yeah, while we’re at it, let’s add my enormous eyebrows to this scary-hairy discussion.
You know, I read online that like an umbrella shields us from the rain, our eyebrows shield our eyes from excessive sweat. I guess that’s a good thing for me that they’re huge,because I sweat like a pig at a luau when I’m running… or driving… or let’s face it, I’ve got tide pools forming in my armpits this very second!
And guess what folks, (this one should really gross you out), I hardly ever wear deodorant!
Yeah, it’s disgusting. I mean, it’s freakin’ 90 degrees out every day, and I’m going au natural. You know why? Because I have the worst hygiene habits ever, and sometimes I forget.
And even worse, at other times, I just don’t feel like giving the effort.
And you know what, when I actually do make an attempt to address my armpits, I’m not wearing deodorant! Too much aluminum, too many harmful chemicals too close to my tiny boobs. I am a hippy, and as such, I rub my pits with a salt crystal.
I am also having a really bad about of acne right now, and there’s a volcanic-looking eruption right in the center of my forehead.
I have chronic halitosis.
I jut in front of people at the grocery store.
I am scum.
I was wrong.
I am sorry.