White Trash Woman

July 28th, 2005

I have a White Trash Woman for a neighbor. She likes to leave her garbage piled up in the middle of the breezeway. I’ve never met her, but I can tell you that she uses cheap, see-through garbage bags and has an affinity for Wal-mart brand diet soda.

I presume that she has a daughter – that or she has a freaky obsession with re-living her psychotic, sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice youth. In addition to her mounds of trash, she also has lodged, on her stoop, a permanent monument of peptol bismal pink plastic tchotchkes.

Each time I open my door and see the mountain of Barbie bikes, barbie hotels, and barbie beach bags, I get furious. I think to myself “I’d like to lodge something in her entry way alright.”

By her entry way, I mean her ass. And by lodge something, I mean my foot.

Anyway, I like to play this game. It’s called inventory White Trash Woman’s garbage and feel smug b/c the contents of your trash are of a much higher caliber.

You have to be all nonchalant about it, like just quickly glance towards the trash, but as mentioned previously she uses clear bags, so you can get a good looksee with minimal effort.

Today I noticed she had a ½ gal milk (generic), several 2 liter soda (generic sprite and root beer), several cans of diet coke (generic), bottle of misc. fruity soda drink (generic), 3 20 oz bottles of coke (brand name!), oreos (doublestuff), grape juice (glass bottle), chips (generic), garlic season all (generic), a slew of napkins, and a pork chop tray.

And I’m kind of amazed. What is this woman living off of? I can’t help but notice 75% of her garbage is beverages. This creature holds endless fascination for me – the white trash sodasaurus gives me something to contemplate. Can man really live off generic coke, oreos and pork chops alone?

Ponder this one folks while you wait in anticipation for The Secret to be revealed. It really is coming (promise).

2 Haus Calls for “White Trash Woman”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Ha, I have a white trash, morbidly obese customer who lives with a native american slob. When you go into there house there’s nothing but food laying around. Bowls of food that haven’t bee n touched but for a couple of bites. With more bowls of food sitting on top of them. A room that you can’t even walk into because it’s full of stuff for “charity”. Who know where it really goes. But the pile is above your head. Eh, I’m going to save the clincher for later. It’s sounding like a good entry for my blog.

  2. Adrienne Says:

    We have white trash nieghbors too - only they’re actually native americans, I think, due to the reservation plates on their Late 80s Rusted Dodge Minivan With The Red Plastic Taped Over Where The Tail Lights Used To Be And All The Fast Food Bags Piled Up In The Back. When we first moved in the girl was very preggers, but now they have a baby and a little boy. When they open their door you can hear the garbage and toys being pushed out of the way by the door. When they leave their apartment they often drag behind them burger king hamburger foils and Quiznos wrapper pieces stuck to the bottom of their shoes. And did I mention that they both frequently go out after their kids are sleeping (one being only about 3 and the other about a month old) and don’t return until almost morning? They must be out at mcdonalds, waiting for the mcmuffins to be ready.

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