I have a White Trash Woman for a neighbor. She likes to leave her garbage piled up in the middle of the breezeway. I’ve never met her, but I can tell you that she uses cheap, see-through garbage bags and has an affinity for Wal-mart brand diet soda.
I presume that she has a daughter – that or she has a freaky obsession with re-living her psychotic, sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice youth. In addition to her mounds of trash, she also has lodged, on her stoop, a permanent monument of peptol bismal pink plastic tchotchkes.
Each time I open my door and see the mountain of Barbie bikes, barbie hotels, and barbie beach bags, I get furious. I think to myself “I’d like to lodge something in her entry way alright.”
By her entry way, I mean her ass. And by lodge something, I mean my foot.
Anyway, I like to play this game. It’s called inventory White Trash Woman’s garbage and feel smug b/c the contents of your trash are of a much higher caliber.
You have to be all nonchalant about it, like just quickly glance towards the trash, but as mentioned previously she uses clear bags, so you can get a good looksee with minimal effort.
Today I noticed she had a ½ gal milk (generic), several 2 liter soda (generic sprite and root beer), several cans of diet coke (generic), bottle of misc. fruity soda drink (generic), 3 20 oz bottles of coke (brand name!), oreos (doublestuff), grape juice (glass bottle), chips (generic), garlic season all (generic), a slew of napkins, and a pork chop tray.
And I’m kind of amazed. What is this woman living off of? I can’t help but notice 75% of her garbage is beverages. This creature holds endless fascination for me – the white trash sodasaurus gives me something to contemplate. Can man really live off generic coke, oreos and pork chops alone?
Ponder this one folks while you wait in anticipation for The Secret to be revealed. It really is coming (promise).