How Pretentious Can You Get?

May 23rd, 2005

So the housing complex is kicking my happy little family out on our duffers. In a matter of weeks the Pretentious Apartment Digs have magically transformed into the Pretentious Condo Digs, courtesy of a name change and a grossly inflated price tag.

Apparently people really will give their left nut for the (seemingly) right reason.

Yes, we got our letter a few weeks back. It said:

“Dear tenant, we have sold the complex to a developer who’s going to market your 1 bedroom apartment as a condo, and he’s going to make a MINT. Now, if you wish to stay, you must simultaneously bend over…and then give us your first born child. OR you can move your a$$ out, post haste!?

Well, the new landlord wouldn’t accept Sphynxy in lieu of our first born (too stinky), so hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to the next place we go.

I just thought it was really funny that, without notice they close the office (and consequently, access to the maintenance staff now that my sink is clogged up *again*), but they have added a new employee to the fold.

This new presence at our gawdy complex is: the Community Enforcer. Somebody drives around in this painted up hoopty that some two-bit body shop funktified to look like a bona fide cop car. Lest you mistake this pseudomobile for the real NYPD Blue type-ride, the garish bold script spelling out “Community Enforcement” across the hood makes it embarrassingly obvious that this is management’s sad attempt at makin’ this place look right respectable.

And I’ve been thinking. If it’s not illegal to mock up your car to look like it belongs to one Sheriff Barney Fife, well then what keeps me from giving my Corolla a little update?

Yes, I think I’ll take Ruby over to that two-bit body shop and get her the just-another-(faux)-cop-on-the-beat makeover.

Instead of black and white, she’ll be pink and white.

And instead of something boring like “Community Enforcement”, I’ll put Pussy Patrol across the hood…

Cause I’m a girl. And I like cats. And alliteration.

Wonder what Pretentious Condo Digs management would think of that!

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