August 26th, 2002

HRA training is finished - returning RA training is finished - and i’m finished getting up at 7:30 a.m. every day! Today was the first day of classes. I had one. It started at 11:15, ended at 11:45. How cool is that? I basically spent the rest of my day sleeping. 3 hour naps are the greatest. Gosh, it’s just like I’m a care-free freshman again.

… but i’m cooler than a freshman.

I saw some freshman-hunters on my way to class today. Freshman-hunters are much like mullet hunters, in that they scope out crowded places to find the elusive - the spectacular, and bizarre. Freshman hunting is pretty easy in the proper circumstances.

Freshman are most easily distinguished between the months of September and November, when college campuses open for the academic year. Move-in is a good time to spot the incoming freshman. During the move in process they will undoubtedly come with a caravan - three minivans full of furniture and crap that is illegal in the res halls anyway. Mom walks around all puffy-eyed and ponders how she’s going to get fresh baked goods through the mail. Dad’s sweaty and cranky after having moved all the crap from the minivans into a room the size of a krispy kreme box, only to be alerted by the RA that half the stuff dad just installed is prohibited, and must be removed post haste! Meanwhile, Aunt Gert is reminscining about her college experiences in the all-girls community college she attended in 1962. Pepe, the family Chihuahua, shivers nervously.

Even without the familial entourage, spotting the frosh is a skill anyone can master. Just sit outside the residential half of campus Thursday - Sunday night. Don’t be alarmed at the clothing you’ll see, or lack thereof. Those sequins and straps are the tell-tale uniform of the campus newbee. Even if its 45 degrees outside, the freshman will be gauranteed to sport as little clothing as possible. This special dresscode allows freshman girls to be send a signal to creepy seniors who may want to date them. It’s like a neon sign blazing “hey, i’m a girl, i’m new, and if you buy me a drink I may dance on a table for you and your friends!”

For freshman guys, their female peers’ trashy dressing signals something even more sinister, more cruel. Basically, it signifies the pool of women they will lust over. These girls will be the chicks they want to take home to mom, or atleast out to Mcdonalds. These young, lovely girls in their two-inch platforms - friends and classmates - walking dreams in polyester and lace - they will be unobtainable to the freshman male.

And such is the life of the freshman, god bless them. freshman-hunters rejoice! It’s prime scouting season!

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