where’s the beef?

January 23rd, 2002

Wow, did I pick a winner when I decided to study at VT! Apparently, in addition to being on of the 15 most wired campus’s in the country, we also have the unique distinction of ranking 7th in meat production This is kind of disgusting. Now, i’m no veggiehead, don’t misunderstand me. There’s nothing I like better than some flank steak, but meat being produced en masse is kind of nasty. Every spring the meat department, or whatever they’re called, holds a big, meaty barbeque in a quad. This barbeque always strikes me as horribly un-pc. When was eating red meat last considered okay? Back in the good old days, I suppose. You know, before the Brady Bunch was on Nick at Night, and when June Cleaver and her pearl neclace served huge, steaming pieces of meatloaf to her perfect children? In any event, it’s always amusing to watch the local peta population assault the meat department’s flesh circus, with their hairy armpits and animal rights slogans.

Also, apparently we have the best wood science department in the U.S. Maybe I’m perverted, but i’m reading that Tech’s got meat, and Tech’s got wood, and well I can’t help but giggle.

I just keep thinking of euphamisms for masturbation and erections. For example, you can beat the meat, slap the salami, choke the chicken, or play the meat flute. And wood: you can polish it, sport it, sprout it, pop it, or buff it. You can have morning wood, or even afternoon wood, i suppose.

Of course, i’m not an expert on any of these things - i just don’t have the equipment. Oh man, I can see the after effects of this one. Now all my guy friends are going to feel all uncomfortable around me, because i discussed “wood.” Then they’ll accuse me of being a feminazi, who’s just jealous of the male mechanics. Then i’ll be tarred and feathered in a public square, by billions of sensitive men who want women to leave their erections alone.

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