Dude Dressed Like a Lady
May 28th, 2006On a walk the other day, I crossed paths with an acquaintance. We’ll call this guy, Senor Pantalone.
Senor Pantalone has always struck me as strange. To start, he’s got this Charlie Brown face—completely nondescript and entirely featureless save for two black holes where his eyes should be. And when he walks, he often stumbles. It’s like there’s a hiccup in his step, it’s like he’s a wind-up toy running out of motion.
And I don’t know S. Pantalone that well—like I said, he’s an acquaintance—but what I do know is, his peculiarity extends past his faceless face and the stop-and-go gait.
Case in point: the other day, out on the walk, I noticed he was wearing lady’s pants.
And not just any lady’s pants.
The Senor, (who is fairly slim), was wearing lady’s fat pants.
Said pants were pastelly gray and made of a cheap, stretchy knit most commonly seen in the women’s athletic department at stores like Wal-Mart, Target or Sears. The legs, straight and long were stovepipe style with no taper at the ankle—a look favored by those XX’s who are reticent to accentuate meaty calves.
Yes, dear hannihaus readers, the Senor’s pants were strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
*ba dum bum ching—thank you, I’ll be here all night*
But yeah, we parted ways and I didn’t think any more about S. Pantalone’s pantalones … until I saw him next … and he was wearing lady’s fat pants again(!).
These ones were identical to the first, except for the color which was pale lavender/light denim.
And I wondered, where on earth was this man getting these large lady’s pants?
The most obvious answer was that the pants belonged to his wife. The only problem with this theory is: dude is divorced.
But still …
Though I never met the missus, the children—the little Pantalones— they are chunky monkeys. If forced to wage a guess, I’d say their mom was too.
Senor Pantalone *had* to be wearing Mom’s pants.
And I bet those stretch pants are what sent the couple careening toward splitsville.
Here’s how I imagine things went down:
One night, deep in conversation, Senior Pantalone probably told his wife he wanted to wear the pants in the family.
And that would’ve been fine by wifey except …
the pants S. Pantalone wanted to wear were hers.
And she probably wasn’t into that.
But I digress.
mwahahahanni
May 28th, 2006
That was just great, Hänni - wearing the pants in the family! If I was the type that liked to say ‘lol’ I definitely would…
oh, what the hell: LOL
May 28th, 2006
Or maybe, in the divorce he got the pants, and she kept the chunks!
Chunky monkey is my favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s!
May 28th, 2006
I’m still scratching my head about the pants. I mean, c’mon. LAVENDER???? I can TOTALLY understand the grey… but LAVENDER??? Two-points for the not-too-tightly-wrapped-team, and I’m not just saying that in the pants were a XXL kind of way, either….
May 29th, 2006
hahahahaha gotta say *bravo* that put a smile on my face!!! xxx
May 30th, 2006
Manuel - LOL back!
Dima - I’ve never had Chunky Monkey. What’s in it? And does it come in organic?
Cze-Johnson Carrie - No offense, but don’t you think its a little biased to say its OK for a man to wear lady’s pants as long as they are gray? I prefer to raise an objection no matter what the color.
tasha - Glad to hear it lady!
May 30th, 2006
I don’t think it’s organic, but Chunky Monkey is very yummy, and that is a fact.
May 30th, 2006
“a look favored by those XX’s who are reticent to accentuate meaty calves”
What’s your beef against overweight people? It seems to be a recurring theme in your posts. I’m neither overly PC, nor am I heavy. I like to read your blogs but I am offended by your views on heavier people.
Take Mariah for instance. The woman is a train wreck. To say I’m not a fan would be an understatement. However, she wears something in the neighborhood of a size 6-8. Since when is that fat? There are plenty of truer, more entertaining flaws you can goof on. Make fun of her terrible music, her ridiculous diva attitude, her disastrous personal life. But calling her a fattie? It’s just not so.
Being overweight is the last socially accepted form of discrimination. You wouldn’t write a story and refer to your subjects as niggers, spics, chinks, wops, micks, gooks, faggots, kikes, or crackers, would you? It’s essentially the same thing.
Do not misunderstand: A man wearing women’s lavendar pants is bizarre and makes for a good story. I’m not trying to bring down the haus. It just ruffles my feathers that you think referring to an overweight person as “XX” or “chunky monkey” is okay.
To paraphrase Jennifer Aniston, I think you may want to get your proverbial sensitivity chip overhauled.
May 30th, 2006
Hi Nonny, I am in no way responding on behalf of Hanni, but first of all, being fat, unlike being a certain color or gender or ethnicity, is something that is the result of people’s inability to control their eating. Much like people who say too much without thinking. The proverbial FAT MOUTHS!
Second of all, since when do we quote what Jennifer Suddenly-went-from-size-8-or-10-to-size-0-or-1 Aniston on anything relating to weight and fat people.
Third of all, last time I checked fat people were still not a protected class of people under the constitution, and until they are so, anyone and everyone has the right to say whatever they want about fat people being fat.
Finally, making fun of Mariah’s vocal abilities, or lack thereof, is too obvious and boring and everyone already does it. However, making fun of her maybe-not-too-fat, but certainly mal-proportioned body is fair and square.
Actually, this is FINALLY, I still don’t get people who are offended by someone’s opinions and personal blogging who continue to come back and be offended AND comment about it.
Whatever, FAT PEOPLE SUCK! Can you sue me for saying that? No? Ok then!
May 30th, 2006
ok. I’m going to resist ALLLLL urges to bust out a chorus of “oh no she dii’int” and start cracking on haters.
I WILL, however, refer to THE RULES.
based on rule#1 and rule #3…. Mistress Hännicakes can pretty much call anyone and everyone a fatass if she damn well pleases…. cause last I checked, rules #1 applies to everyone speaking truth, and rule #3 works cause Hänni is a skinny little thing.
Also… I’d like to add that not ENOUGH people make fun of Mariah Carey, and indeed, it truly is a splendid activity.
oh, and one more also… regarding wearing women’s pants… all I can say is I LIVED in central florida, and honey… you KNOW those kind of pants are by no means odd. Now… if the dude happens to be the guy I helped one summer in the Daytona Beach Victoria’s Secret who came out of the fitting room wearing a teddy with his snausage tucked up and balls hanging out, then yes… senor pantelones DEFINITELY gets an eyebrow raise. but the grey lady-sweats? meh… I’d let it slide.
either way… I heart you, Hänni. I really really do.
May 30th, 2006
Hannni, not only do you rock, but your commenters rock too.
BTW, who wears the pants in YOUR family?
May 30th, 2006
Cze-Johnson Carrie - OMG, the snausage visual is just waaaaay too much. Let’s pray to the flying spaghetti monster I never see that sort of display from S. Pantalone!
gary - In the summer I’d have to say neither of us! We prefer shorts and skirts for man and wife respectively. You rock too.