The Immaculate Conception

October 5th, 2005

I am f*ing FURIOUS.

So, Niccy B calls me at work (on what, I must say, is a particularly heinous day to begin with) and the first thing out of her mouth is “Guess what? Katie Holmes is pregnant!”

“WHAT THE EFF?!,” I scream into the receiver.

“Yeah,” Niccy says, “I just heard it on the radio.”

“Oh my God, NOOOOOO!,” I shout, whilst simultaneously leaping out my office chair.

In this moment I’m like an Olympic hurdler. I’m Flo Jo. No scratch that, I’m a freaking kangaroo, a long-legged bullfrog, a jackalope even. I leap so fast I’ve got co-workers worrying that something’s on fire… maybe it’s my chair. Maybe it’s my ass.

And you might be wondering, why did I have to remove myself from a comfortable seated position? Why was this phone call so unsettling to one Mistress o’ The Haus? Well, the answer is this my friends, for anyone who gives two figs about a little show called Dawson’s Creek, and accordingly its – now besotted – heroine, little Joey Potter, this weighty turn of events is devastating.

IMHO this news is *not* something that I, nor anyone, for that matter, should take sitting down.

CNN has cheerily announced that beautiful, virtuous Joey Potter, err Katie Holmes, is bearing the child of stark raving lunatic, Tom “you-don’t-know-the-history-of-psychiatry, I-do” Cruise. They even gave it a cute little headline: “Baby on the Way for Tom and Katie.”

Oh isn’t that sweet? Bah.

I’m sorry, you’re going to have to excuse me now while I go hork up the black beans I ate for lunch. Oh, and while I’m doing it, I’ll note how they look like little pieces of my black, broken heart. And all the while, I’ll think to myself, “How could you do this to me Katie? How could you make me relive the horrors of Summer 05 – the horrors TomKat – the horrors of a summer spent recoiling every time you and NumbNuts were shown ogling each other on Entertainment Tonight?”

You know, when I wrote about TomKat last June, I felt some catharsis… some respite from the revulsion, if you will. Sure, I was irked about Katie’s transition from Smashing Young Starlet to Tom’s Subservient Lil’Tartlett, but I truly believed, that like MC Hammer’s fortune, or Bruce Willis’s hair, this would all just go away.

But alas, dear hannihaus readers, I can’t glibly say “and that’s a wrap” when speaking of the union betwixt Mr. Cruise and Miss Holmes. TomKat’s been out of the press for a few months, but brace yourselves, they’re ba-ack.

And I gotta say, the fact that this baby is immaculately conceived, well that’s just ingenious – it should keep the press buzzing for a whole two weeks at least, because you know, Katie pledged to remain a virgin until marriage. And I’m sure she wouldn’t just give up the prize to some creepy, little guy going through a mid-life crisis.

Oh wait.

21 Haus Calls for “The Immaculate Conception”

  1. mrtl Says:

    just disgusting, it is

  2. Hänni Says:

    Ditto mrtl

  3. ScottyGee Says:

    Jennifer Garner and KAtie Holmes are killing me. Killing me!

  4. ZP Says:

    JenGarner + BenAssfleck = GoodMatch, sorta like RichChocolateyOvaltine + TurdPie = MmmMmmGood.

    Also: Tom is a scientologist. He is one who studies science.

  5. Amanda B. Says:

    Oh my GOD. We may share a brilliant but quazi evil brain!

    I think I love you. Sniff.

  6. Hänni Says:

    ScottyGee - I agree. Having Jen and Katie off the market is pure tragedy. But hey, a least we’ve still got Mandy Moore, Natalie Portman and second string Dawson’s Creek hottie Michelle Williams. Okay scratch Michelle.

    ZP - funniest comment o’ the day. You deserve a pudding pop made of that rich chocolately ovaltine you speak of.

    Amanda - Our shared brain is only “quasi” evil? I think you should give us more credit than that. If we were twins, we’d both be the bad one.

  7. Fil Says:

    I’m still in grieving…..this can’t be happening…..noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  8. Phineahs Gray Says:

    Ya, I’ve got to agree that this is just becoming too creepy. Ruining her own life is one thing, but this poor kid never asked for such screwed up origins.

  9. ScottyGee Says:

    Hanni - You picked my ideal women out there. Portman is the best. Mandy Moore too. I am also hot for Keira Knightly. Yum. All time fave is Salma Hayek. Tom Cruise better stay away from her or I will Mission Impossible his sorry ass.

  10. Hänni Says:

    Fil - You like music. I suggest you take a few deep breaths and crank up Daniel Beddingfield’s “Gotta get through this” b/c Fil, you’ ve just gotta get through this,
    [you’ve] just gotta get through this, [you’ve] gotta make, gotta make it, gotta make it through this.

    I hope somebody out there gets that reference. I think it quite clever.

    Phineas - Yes, poor baby TomKat.

    Scotty the body - SORM also gets hot and bothered for Kiera Knightly. I think she has a rather small nose, but a very good complexion anyway. And yeah, if TC hits up Hayek, well… let’s just hope it never comes to that.

  11. Erin Says:

    I thought your Daniel Beddingfield reference was clever. But now that song is stuck in my head…. maybe because I am playing it on iTunes.

  12. miss marisol Says:

    It hurts. It physically hurts me to think about lil’ Katie having Cruisazy’s baby.

  13. tcaje Says:

    the baby is going to have herpes. did you see that picture of her in Star magazine a few months ago. I bet tom gave it to her.

  14. Hänni Says:

    Erin - lol

    Miss Marisol - Yeah it hurts me too. Every time I read something new about TomKat, I’ve got to vomit. Sometimes it comes out of my nose. That stings like a mo-fo.

    tastycake - Ewww! Didn’t see that pic, but am now preparing for some nose-vomit.

  15. ZP Says:

    sorry for being late as usual…

    Keira Knightly, Salma Hayek…mmmmmmmee too

    toss in a KZJ and you’ve got a top 3 that’d be tough to beat

  16. laurenbove Says:

    I had not heard of her pledge. Excellent research woman. I love it. (Oooh, I know. Maybe the baby was placed into her womb by the Scientology aliens. OOooh. I know. Maybe it’s L.Ron reincarnated…) She better feel reaaaaallllly happy after the birth and show no signs of post pardum. now wouldn’t that be divine retribution.

  17. Hänni Says:

    ZP - KZJ? Sorry, it’s friday. Brain is spent. I will need you to elaborate please.

    Laurenbove - Hmm i sense an Alanis Morisette reference here… I’m singing “isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?”

  18. Celebrity Rant Says:

    Um yeah, and now I hear he’s insisting on a “silent birth.” What a f*cking tool!

  19. Hänni Says:

    oh good lord

  20. ZP Says:

    oh crap…KZJ was supposed to be CZJ

    Catherine Zeta Jones

    t-mobile would sell a lot more phones if they gave away a free CZJ with each purchase


  21. smug ellie Says:

    what the eff is a “silent birth”?

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