November 9th, 2005

Let’s pretend it’s Monday, so I can play mrtl’s game. Her theme this week is “won”, so today I’d like to talk about how I’m a weiner winner in life.

An extreme overachiever, you might expect to hear about my various scholastic achievements – how I kicked ass in elementary school elocution contests, how I’ve taken state in nerdy Japanese competitions, how I was sent to DC, all expenses paid, thanks to the merits of my writing, etc.

Yes, I could bore you with stories of scholarship and that bit part I got in our second grade production of “The Sound of Music.” (*hack* My Favorite Things Song Group Leader #4), but I would prefer to talk about a win that really means something. I would prefer to talk about the Pizzahutenoff.

Winning the Pizzahutenoff is no small feat. It requires stamina, endurance, and an extreme act of gluttony. It’s about sacrificing your body in the name of competition. It’s about beating the buffet whilst busting your gut.

The Pizzahutenoff was devised on a crisp winter’s day by college kids who had too much time on their hands. The premise was simple: Send a group of cafeteria-worn 20-somethings in to a Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat buffet and see who can eat the most, and still leave standing.

While the odds were stacked against me (I was competing against three male friends), I’m proud to say on our maiden Pizzahutenoff, yours truly consumed 11 slices of piping hot pizza in order to take home the crown.

It wasn’t an easy feat.

At four slices I laughed at my competitors, chomping down a few breadsticks (which didn’t count toward the total), just to show my big cojones.

At eight slices I started feeling lethargic and had to unbutton my pants.

At ten slices, having gone beyond all reasonable levels of bloating, I made myself think about all the starving kids in Ethiopia, and as I put that slice of pepperoni in my pie hole I said, “This one’s for you Abebe.”

By eleven slices I knew I was done. My pants, no longer simply in danger of being snug, were, it seemed, getting close to splitting. Having had a bad experience with busting out of my Levis before, I knew I had to Just. Say. No… to that twelfth slice of deep dish meat lovers, that is.

I’m really proud of my accomplishment. I have to admit though, in retrospect, winning the Pizzahutenoff was kind of like bringing home a blue ribbon from the Special Olympics. I may have won, but at the end of the day, it was still retarded.

11 Haus Calls for “Pizzahutenoff”

  1. Dima Says:

    You? Eating 11 slices of pizza? My world has come crumpling down!

    Not everyone can appreciate a retarded comment the way I do. That made me chorkle!

  2. mrtl Says:

    Scholarly merits aside, this is indeed a marvelous feat!

  3. Erin Says:

    OK that is absurd but amazing. Do you think you could duplicate the feat today? Not that I want to challenge you or anything. Pizza Hut is not exactly on my top ten list of favorite foods for gluttony. I’m more of a peanut butter M&M’s, cheesecake, french fry sort of girl.

  4. The Village Idiot Says:

    Oh, you poor thing. Hear my words and tremble:

    I once watched my brother (as did four other witnesses) eat 28 steaks at the “all the steak and shrimp you can eat buffet” at a Bonanza (or Ponderosa?) Restaurant in Bangor, Maine in 1986.

    The restaurant was out of shrimp, so we all just had steak. It started as a contest for us college roomies. A buddy and I pulled out to an early lead and then bogged at 4 steaks and then quit after 7. My brother kept going and going and going, the meal lasted for hours. The restaurant manager went from very nice, to lukewarm, to downright hostile as he kept eating and eating.

    Finally, after 28 steaks, (these are maybe 6 oz steaks), he topped the whole thing off with a giant bowl of vanilla pudding from the salad bar.

    We’re coming up on the 20th anniversary of The Day, and still, my ex-roomies and I talk about it with reverence.

    the Idiot

  5. Hänni Says:

    Dima - Breathe deeply. I don’t really hit the sauce like i used to - pizza sauce that is. The days of the Pizzahutenoff are long gone my friend. Not coincidently, gone also are the 15 or so lbs I gained whilst participating in stupid things like eating competitions.

    mrtl - aww shucks. Thanks for the motif. I guess you could say, you’re my inspiration.

    Erin - I definetly think I could still do some competitive eating, but I’m not so good with things that are kind of rich like peanut butter m & ms, cheesecake and french fries. Now carrot sticks, organic raisins or chocolate chip cookies from the DoubleTree… if you can get your hands on those (esp the cookies) well i say bring it on sister.

    Village Idiot - OMG. That is much more disgusting than 11 slices of pizza, or even the lb of bacon my friend consumed during the Baconoff of 2000. After eating all that steak, I bet your brother needed a little some of this.

  6. Dima Says:

    Left you a response about the Papa John’s sauce on Marit’s page.

  7. Amanda B. Says:

    Damn Hanni. I’m so proud of you. :D

  8. The Village Idiot Says:

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. thank you.

    the idiot

  9. Phineahs Gray Says:

    You’re a god!
    Now I know someone who can appreciate the story of that fateful day when I won bronze in a Special Olympics skipping contest. Ok, I stole the bronze metal from my uncle, but he had a lot of them. I’m special too, dang it! I am!

  10. ScottyGee Says:

    I can think of nothing worse than Pizza Hut pizza. Ugh. You skills are impressive grasshopper.

  11. Summer Says:

    Holy pizza!

    I’m impressed. I bow before your greatness.

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