Proof that Tom Cruise Is the Devil

October 10th, 2005

My darling mother, a daily visitor to the haus, says she’s bored with reading my TomKat rants, but I just can’t help myself. Love you maaa, but here goes another boring post…

After first impregnating beloved Dawson’s Creek darling and good Catholic girl, Katie Holmes, Mr. Cruise asks:

where is your god

Apparently, Tom Cruise, never one to shy away from challenging character portrayals, is taking his new roll as the Anti-Christ very seriously. He’s proposing a “silent” birth wherein Katie would not be able to scream, shout, or curse the day she met Tom Cruise and his turkey baster, during the delivery of their little TomKat.

Now, I’ve never given birth myself, but I’ve watched those TLC reality shows. I know that child birth involves a lot of ripping, swearing, sweating and pooping. If Katie can go through the torture of labor without screaming her head off, well, then I guess I can become the queen of England.


Oh yeah, and the baby will probably be named Xenu after an intergalactic alien (of course).

Well I guess Xenu is better than “Gaylord”, “Beulah”, or “Frank n’ Beans”…


I don’t know. It’s Monday and my brain is not quite warmed up for the week. What do you think dear hannihaus readers? Or are we sick of talking about TomKat?

10 Haus Calls for “Proof that Tom Cruise Is the Devil”

  1. ScottyGee Says:

    Love the picture!

    I just feel so sorry for Katie Holmes. How could she be so stupid? Dawson totally needs to show up and have a bitch fight with Tom. After an hours long slap fight he could then take Joey back to the beach to raise that alien baby like his own. Then uopn reaching maturity baby Xenu would use it’s powers to revive Katie Holmes career and self respect.

  2. Sarah's Mama Says:

    Life without Nicole has seriously wrecked this man! Look at what a spaz he is! She is bound to have THE WORST case of post pardum depression that can possibly take over a woman. Better yet….she’ll end up saying, “Screw you Tom” and calling Brooke for some advice!

  3. Amber Says:

    Hey! We named their baby Xenu first! So I want credit. We have our own little xenu fanclub at my house and one day I hope to grow up just like Katie and marry Tommy Boy! I mean, what girl wouldn’t want a totally helpless birth experience, a dwindling career due her to personal life, and a man who wouldn’t be able to treat your post partum depression (which may result in the death of you or your children)?

    Actually, I was recently told a story of a woman who was a die hard scientologist and in her labor the only noise she made was to whisper, “Can I have some drugs?” and her husband said absolutely not. It was discovered after the labor that she had what is called a “dry birth”, where all of the amniotic fluid is gone and…well, I suppose you can all imagine what it means. I won’t go into detail.

    All hail Xenu!!!

  4. Hänni Says:

    ScottyGee - Hahaha. That’s a glorious plan Scotty, a glorious plan indeed. All hail Dawson and baby Xenu’s amazing powers or career redemption!

    Sarah’s Mama - Yeah, it’s not like I want to say “I hope she gets post partum depression” b/c I would never wish that on anyone, but like, it would be entirely ironic if that happened. And indeed if it did, I would hope she could come to her senses and seek help in the form of a perscription and a therapist. Bear in mind, I am a New Age Mama, and pretty much avoid perscription drugs as much as possible, but I realize when the health and sanity of baby and mother are concerned, you have to do what you have to do.

    Amber - Oh good lord! That poor, poor woman. “Dry birth”, well the name alone sends tremors down my spine.

  5. Amanda B. Says:

    I hate Tom Cruise so much, it actually hurts my brain.

    Ow ow ow ow ow ow…

  6. Sarah's Mama Says:

    I actually had PPD and am still dealing with some things but I would never wish it upon anyone. ANYONE!
    Well…maybe I wish a little of something on Tom. That little beast.
    Love your blog btw.

  7. Sophie K. Says:

    pardon me while I BARFFFFFFFFFF again all over myself

    I am starting to feel morally obliged to write to her, or congress, or her mother, or someone. Highly disturbing. Is it HER religion? Does she ever say three words about it without a “spokesman” present with her? Those new BF she seems to have immediatly aquired….yeah…sickatating.

  8. Hänni Says:

    Sarah’s Mama - thanks for the blog love!

    Sophie K - well i think she is converting, and yeah this is horrible. I read an article the other day that said she had fired her personal assistant and her PR person and someone else really close to her inner circle. She hadn’t spoken to any of her friends in Ohio since she met Tom in march. It’s just freaking creepy if you ask me.

  9. Man About Town Says:

    Anything that disses the scummy cruise missile is good by me!

    And that graphic is very cool!

  10. Hänni Says:

    MAT - thanks for the mad props. Gotta admit, the graphic’s not mine though. I filched it from some rantfest forum I happened upon.

Make a Haus Call