Happy Birthday Baby

November 18th, 2005

Dear Spanky,

Today you’ve reached a milestone. Already legally permitted to drive, smoke, and apply for credit cards, now you get to throw down some hooch whenever it tickles your fancy.

I can’t hardly believe it, but today baby sister, you turn 21.

Happy birthday babe, and a word to the wise: avoid drinking anything tonight that ends in “er” (I.e. BudweisER, GoldschlaggER, JägermiestER, etc.). Failing to head my warning will probably cause you to throw up a lot… at least that’s been my experience with these sorts of things.

Before You Were Born
I told Maaa I wanted a baby sister, and not just any baby sister. She had to have blonde hair and blue eyes like Charlie Brown’s sister, Sally. In retrospect, cooking you up to my specifications must’ve been quite a feat, because the rest of us (Maaa and Popi included) are fairly brown.

Good thing we lived in the sticks and didn’t have a postman. The neighbors might’ve been suspicious.

Our Special Bond
Before you came into my life, I’d never had anyone pee on me before (I guess Pampers weren’t as leak-proof in the 80s). And I’d never had anyone steal my clothes, my makeup, or my best CDs –Thank God my high school boyfriend was gay.

Yes Spank, before there was you, I’d never known the beauty of choreographing and performing, as a duo, an interpretive dance to the Spice Girl’s Two Become One. I think it’s only mildly embarrassing that we performed a sexually-charged, estrogen-equivalent-of-boy-band-schlock number for our parents… complete with pelvic thrusts… on the day of the birth of our Lord and Savior…. Because nothing says Christmas like:

I need some love like I never needed love before
(wanna make love to ya, baby)
I had a little lover, now I’m back for more
(wanna make love to ya, baby)

Wish I Was There
Spankylou, if I was home, I’d bake you a rainbow chip cake with strawberry frosting, because that’s your favorite. And just for the hell of it, because it always seems to make you so happy, I’d go ahead and let you knock me over like a sack of potatoes. You could then drag me around the house by the legs of my Levis, de-pantsing me in a painful manner, while you laugh maniacally over my screams of “Maaa, I’m getting some serious rug burn here!” You see, darling Spank, along with your mutant blonde hair, you were also blessed with hulk-like strength, a fact of which I am reminded of at every family gathering when you inevitably bend me up like a pretzel for the amusement of others.

Loving you muchly, on this, the day of your birth,



8 Haus Calls for “Happy Birthday Baby”

  1. divinecalm Says:

    You two are adorable.

  2. mrtl Says:

    Awe… I only had an older brother, and we were never very close. I hope my girls will have a sweet, loving, and affectionately adorable relationship (sans the WWE Showdown Reprise) as they grow up.

    Happy Birthday Spanky!

  3. Erin Says:

    My sister and I had a similar recital for our parents… only it was to a New Kids on the Block song…

    Happy Birthday to your sis.

  4. Dima Says:

    I didn’t have a sister, adn was always jealous of girls who did… my brother was a good brother, except when he dragged me aroudn on carpet - that carpet burn part brought back painful memories!

    Happy Birthday Hanni’s sister!

  5. Hänni Says:

    divinecalm - Awww, thank you!

    mrtl - I think Bug and Frid are lucky to have each other. Having a sister is really special. That being said, I think the WWE showdown is to be expected - sisters, you see, fight worse than cats and dogs. Sisters fight worse than brothers, and you know that boys can be a real PIMA.

    Erin - Which New Kids song? I have to say, (and maybe i shouldn’t admit this), my favorite NKOTB song is “Step By Step.”

    Dima - Yeah, i’m lucky I had another girl around to steal my barrettes and barbie dolls. Welp, at least it sounds like you had a sister-like treatment with bro’s rug-burnage. Viva la burn!

  6. spanky Says:

    i love you hanni! thanks for the ode to meagan. :-)
    cant wait to pick u up from the airport on x-mas!! yay it’ll be so cool to finally spend x-mas w/u again!
    love u sis
    thanks everyone else. my party is tonight! time to go crazy!!!!!!!!!!! maaa’s watchin the kids. bottoms up! :-)

  7. Von Krankipantzen Says:

    Very sweet. I had a shitty little brother too. No Spice Girl recitals for us.

  8. Erin Says:

    I can’t remember which song. I believe it was a slower one… that Joey sang. (Because he was my favorite.) I think we pepped things up with a little number to The Right Stuff.

    Step By Step…. oooo baby… gonna get to your giiiiiiirl.

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