dumb and dumber

January 13th, 2002

well kids i’m back to school. Break was the greatest. I spent lots of time with the fam, which just enforced my belief that I am not the weirdest person in the world. Some cases in point:

My step mother made split pea soup with the express purpose of launching “fart wars” against my dad, and was disappointed when the potency of the peas was only moderate at best.

My older brother tells me he is decorating his living room with snowboards - yes, snowboards. Older brother’s wife thinks this is the greatest idea since canned chicken, of which they have a whole one (yes, a whole chicken that has been canned) sitting atop their fridge.

Little sister tells me as normal as anything, that her boyfriend, who has dropped out of highschool, will be coming back to school full time next semester. “This is great,” I say, “now he can finish off that one last semester and get his degree.” My sister corrects me, “Noooooo. He is not going to get his highschool degree! He will try to get his G.E.D. sometime. He is just coming to school to see me.” And like I had made the dumbest assumption in the world, Spank reinforces her point by raising her immaculate eyebrows and growling, “He has friends to hang out with, you know?” No, I don’t know, but am afraid to challenge my sis and her evil eyebrows.

Darling mother, or MaCate as she has come to be known by those in the smuggest circles (ie at ellies house ) is a gem when it comes to weirdness. She’s seemingly the most normal person you will meet. She works at a telephone company, likes getting her hair done, and enjoys folk art. Beneath her earthy and natural exterior lies the eccentric model from which i derive my quirkiness. Ma tells me she is learning to dance in church, and wave banners at the same time. Ma loves our charismatic church. It’s a bit extreme for my tastes, as the congregation frequently is urged to stand up and belt out tunes or prayers, while facing the person next to them, or to dance freely in the aisles. Anyway, mom tells me she is waving banners in church now, but would like to dance while waving banners. She is taking lessons, but told me they haven’t been so succesful, as she is prone to wack empty metal chairs and walls while she is piroutteing. She hopes to dance and wave during church, but is afraid she will hit people who fill the metal chairs during services.

Ma is not a big fan of Baby Riley, Aka “the devil” -you know, the red puppy who sank his little pointy teeth into my supple calve? Well, she takes care of him though. She took him outside to relieve himself, and came back in announcing “Well, i threw his poo over the fence right away. Didn’t want to leave any tasty snacks for lizzy!” Lizzy is Spank’s irish setter. Lizzy’s nickname is “poo eater,” and is well deserved. You do the math. Macate is funny.

Alright, it’s been fun reminscing, but think i have to go be a bathing beauty. I heard the shower water is brown today, and the temp has not fallen below a scalding 5000 degrees as yet. Stupid dorm showers. Time to dance naked in the hottest showers east of the missippi!

family ranking on the weird-o-meter: 98% (Hey ozzy osborne’s family has got me beat. He eats the heads of flying vermin, and his kids look like wednesday and pugsly . Aren’t they the cutest?)

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