Un-Bee-Lievable
April 25th, 2006Angelface and I have this friend. His name is Mike, but I like to think of him as Mister Misadventure. Mister Misadventure makes Hänni happy. While I’ve split my pants a time or two (or three or four), I’ve never unclogged a toilet with my bare hands and I’ve never forgotten to remove “I like sex” from the Hobbies section of a resume I sent to an employer—Mister Misadventure has done these things.
Recently Mister Misadventure told me a story that was a real hum dinger. Or should I say hum stinger?
One afternoon, after finishing some yard work, Mister Misadventure and his lithe, little missus decided to hop in the shower. What would’ve been an opportunity for romance quickly turned bad as an uninvited guest entered the bath.
The intruder was dressed in yellow and black. Agitated and confused, a bee had gotten in and was buzzing rather ominously near the showerhead.
M & M Misadventure were pretty frightened. I guess you could say that bug scared the bee-jesus out of them… but I digress.
Anyway, wearing nothing but what the good lord gave him, Mister Misadventure leapt from the tub. He quickly scavenged the kitchen looking for some sort of weapon. Running short on mace, chains and medieval torture devices, Mister Misadventure settled for an empty cool whip container.
Armed and ready for action, the Mister returned to the shower. When he threw back the curtain he found that in his absence the Missus had further pissed off the party crasher. By frantically splashing water on the bewildered bee, Madam M. had escalated the situation.
Someone was *not* going to get out of the shower unscathed.
Unfortunately for Mister Misadventure, he was that someone.
Gesturing with his hands near his groin, Mister M. explained it was probably because it’s so big that the angry bee chose his penis for a target.
Yes, Mister Misadventure got stung on the stinger.
His first reaction was not unlike mine when I found out TomKat was pregnant—in a fit of panic and confusion, the Mister screamed like a twelve-year-old girl.
And then, in a knee-jerk reaction he’d soon come to regret, Mister Misadventure gripped his cool whip container and thrust it towards the bee … on his crotch.
And then Mister Misadventure started screaming like a twelve-year-old girl again.
And then he had black and blue balls for five days.
And that’s a true story, you better bee-lieve it.
—–
I never liked her much anyway. Blonde’s Death was voted out last night in the AI Cocktail Countdown. We’re still got four more kick offs to go, so keep voting kids. Poll is in the sidebar.
mwahahahanni
April 25th, 2006
The resume thing is hilarious. Funny post… I am always down for a good pun.
April 26th, 2006
OH MY GOD! I could win a wet t-shirt contest right now with the tears that have dripped onto my shirt from laughing!
April 26th, 2006
Erin MC - Yeah I pretty much wet my pants over the resume thing.
Amber - That’s awesome! And I hope you don’t mind, to get the visual, I’m currently imagining your boobs.
April 26th, 2006
If you are naked and a bee comes along, that’s definately what I would call being OVEREXPOSED. Great post. Very cute.
April 26th, 2006
That poor poor man! Maybe his name should be changed to Mister Misfortunate?
April 26th, 2006
Well… bees everywhere should be worried. If it were me, I would be out to kill every last one of the little bastards. And don’t preach to me about how they are an important part of the ecosystem. My dugenhiemmer is a much more important part to me!
Still, which is worse… stung by bee where the sun only shines once a year during the Superbowl (don’t ask) or beans above frank in zipper *cringe*.
Watch out bees! I will flick the shit out of you!
4 in the kooch and NONE in the uglies damnit!
April 26th, 2006
Hanni,
I have a similar story that occurred just after my family moved from Alaska to Hawaii (I eventually made my way back…).
Some friends of ours were visiting from Alaska–where there is precious little in the way of dangerous bugs. Anyway, this fellow was using my bathroom to take a shower–I have to back up a little and explain that my bedroom and bathroom were on the lower floor of the house and you had to go outside, across the lanai (patio) and up the stairs on the side of the house to get to the main part of the house. Anyway, this young man was taking a shower, and the rest of us were eating breakfast on the lanai.
All of the sudden he comes running out the door, buck nekid, flailing his arms about his head and shoulders and screaming bloody murder. My mother jumps, grabbing a beach towel that was hanging on the railing and threw it around the young man as she tried to calm him down.
Once the panic had subsided, he recounted what had happened. He was happily washing his hair in the shower (soap in the eyes and all) when he felt something land on his shoulder. He peeked out of the corner of his eye and saw a spider sitting on his shoulder that was so huge he assumed it was fake and that I was playing a trick on him. Laughing nervously, he had tried to flip the spider from his shoulder, only to have it run up the side of his head as he moved his arm.
This precipitated the explosion from the bathroom.
Cane spiders, quite common in Hawaii, get very large (similar to a tarantula–if you have seen Arachniphobia, cheesy movie, you have seen cane spiders) but they are harmless. They do have an affinity for water fixtures, however, as there are always plenty of bugs hanging around for them to eat. This one just happened to be hanging out in my shower stall when my friend got in.
Excitement like that first thing in the morning has to bad for your heart!
April 26th, 2006
Looks like voting for the losers is my trend. I think I’m gonna need to take the rest of the week off to mourn the Blonde’s Death…
That one’s [not so] subtle. Why else did you think that drink was on there? It’s disgusting!
Take that, votefortheworst… Manuel out!
April 27th, 2006
gary - I think you’re right. Mister Misadventure most definetly experienced a case of in-bee-cent exposure.
Christoph - I was *totally* gonna give the ecosystem spiel until I got to the part of your comment about frank n’ beans. At that point I just started laughing maniacally.
Paddymick - Oh my sweet lord! That poor naked kid. The thing about him thinking that it was a joke reminds me of the time I my bro, my step mom, and I took a teeny potato and baked it in the microwave for like 20 min so it would shrivel into something that looked like poo. Once it was ready, we lobbed it in the shower where Serial Killer Dad was washing up. Thankfully he didn’t come running out of the shower naked. He was grossed out though at the “cat turd” in the tub.
Manuel - Oh sweet irony—both Pickler and the drink you made as an homage to the ditzy miss were voted off this week. I’m sure you’re dying inside.
April 27th, 2006
Ding Dong.. the Pickle’s GONE!!!!!
oh yeah… Long live Jack!
ps… funny story about the bee. funny, of course, because it didn’t happen to ME. hah!
April 27th, 2006
Poor feller.
April 27th, 2006
haha. poo-potato.