Posts tagged with Dawsons Creek

10 comments

October 10, 2005

Proof that Tom Cruise Is the Devil

My darling mother, a daily visitor to the haus, says she’s bored with reading my TomKat rants, but I just can’t help myself. Love you maaa, but here goes another boring post…

After first impregnating beloved Dawson’s Creek darling and good Catholic girl, Katie Holmes, Mr. Cruise asks:

where is your god

Apparently, Tom Cruise, never one to shy away from challenging character portrayals, is taking his new roll as the Anti-Christ very seriously. He’s proposing a “silent” birth wherein Katie would not be able to scream, shout, or curse the day she met Tom Cruise and his turkey baster, during the delivery of their little TomKat.

Now, I’ve never given birth myself, but I’ve watched those TLC reality shows. I know that child birth involves a lot of ripping, swearing, sweating and pooping. If Katie can go through the torture of labor without screaming her head off, well, then I guess I can become the queen of England.

Cheerio!

Oh yeah, and the baby will probably be named Xenu after an intergalactic alien (of course).

Well I guess Xenu is better than “Gaylord”, “Beulah”, or “Frank n’ Beans”…

Maybe.

I don’t know. It’s Monday and my brain is not quite warmed up for the week. What do you think dear hannihaus readers? Or are we sick of talking about TomKat?

21 comments

October 5, 2005

The Immaculate Conception

I am f*ing FURIOUS.

So, Niccy B calls me at work (on what, I must say, is a particularly heinous day to begin with) and the first thing out of her mouth is “Guess what? Katie Holmes is pregnant!”

“WHAT THE EFF?!,” I scream into the receiver.

“Yeah,” Niccy says, “I just heard it on the radio.”

“Oh my God, NOOOOOO!,” I shout, whilst simultaneously leaping out my office chair.

In this moment I’m like an Olympic hurdler. I’m Flo Jo. No scratch that, I’m a freaking kangaroo, a long-legged bullfrog, a jackalope even. I leap so fast I’ve got co-workers worrying that something’s on fire… maybe it’s my chair. Maybe it’s my ass.

And you might be wondering, why did I have to remove myself from a comfortable seated position? Why was this phone call so unsettling to one Mistress o’ The Haus? Well, the answer is this my friends, for anyone who gives two figs about a little show called Dawson’s Creek, and accordingly its – now besotted – heroine, little Joey Potter, this weighty turn of events is devastating.

IMHO this news is *not* something that I, nor anyone, for that matter, should take sitting down.

CNN has cheerily announced that beautiful, virtuous Joey Potter, err Katie Holmes, is bearing the child of stark raving lunatic, Tom “you-don’t-know-the-history-of-psychiatry, I-do” Cruise. They even gave it a cute little headline: “Baby on the Way for Tom and Katie.”

Oh isn’t that sweet? Bah.

I’m sorry, you’re going to have to excuse me now while I go hork up the black beans I ate for lunch. Oh, and while I’m doing it, I’ll note how they look like little pieces of my black, broken heart. And all the while, I’ll think to myself, “How could you do this to me Katie? How could you make me relive the horrors of Summer 05 – the horrors TomKat – the horrors of a summer spent recoiling every time you and NumbNuts were shown ogling each other on Entertainment Tonight?”

You know, when I wrote about TomKat last June, I felt some catharsis… some respite from the revulsion, if you will. Sure, I was irked about Katie’s transition from Smashing Young Starlet to Tom’s Subservient Lil’Tartlett, but I truly believed, that like MC Hammer’s fortune, or Bruce Willis’s hair, this would all just go away.

But alas, dear hannihaus readers, I can’t glibly say “and that’s a wrap” when speaking of the union betwixt Mr. Cruise and Miss Holmes. TomKat’s been out of the press for a few months, but brace yourselves, they’re ba-ack.

And I gotta say, the fact that this baby is immaculately conceived, well that’s just ingenious – it should keep the press buzzing for a whole two weeks at least, because you know, Katie pledged to remain a virgin until marriage. And I’m sure she wouldn’t just give up the prize to some creepy, little guy going through a mid-life crisis.

Oh wait.

5 comments

June 22, 2005

Free Katie

Although I typically “stick to the script” and write about those things I know best, (I.e. my cats, my armpits and my office), there are, on occasion, world events that, by their sheer enormity, warrant their own post. And I?m not talking about run of the mill stuff. The fall of communism – ehhh, who cares? And who, prey tell, really gives two figs about the capture of Sadaam or the runaway bride? I’m talking about important stuff folks here. Today, I’m talking about Tom and Katie.

I have been irritating my friends and coworkers for weeks with my incessant ranting about this most heinous of unions. But I guess we can’t call it union. More like an agreement. More like a publicity stunt. More like the most fake, desperate, and vomitious spectacle to have ever assaulted my senses – or at least the most fake, desperate, and vomitious spectacle to have assaulted my senses in the last six weeks.

Prior to operation Ruin Katie, there was that matter of the ever-shrinking, pasty-faced Lindsey Lohan. I just want Lindsey to know, you’ve got boobs somewhere. Don’t waste ‘em. As a woman who?s never had the opportunity/cup size to use her boobs as a table from which to eat a bowl of ice cream or frosted flakes, I want you to know that you’ve been blessed. Don’t let Betty and Wilma shrink away. For the love of all that’s good and busty, do not let Betty and Wilma go quietly into that cold, flat night.

Free Lindsey’s Boobs.

But anyway, yeah, I’ve got beef about Tom and Katie. As a devoted Dawson’s Creek fan my loyalty lies with little Joey Potter. I believe she has been kidnapped and brainwashed by the cult of Tom. And so do these smart folks.

That guy is a wack job! What other straight man would dump Nicole “hot as my nuts” Kidman after multiple years of having his oatmeal served warm by the charming Australian? Why, the very same straight man who would hold hostage impressionable, young 26-year-olds in order to satisfy some midlife crisis and sell a few movie tickets.

And therein lies the rub.

This is just a facade. It’s so obvious what’s going on here. Let’s “hook up” in Rome. Let’s get “engaged” in Marseilles. Let’s jump on Oprah’s couch in Chicago. Tom is going for world domination, and he won’t stop dragging Katie around like a dog show poodle until he’s achieved this.

Free Katie – oh please Tom, free Katie.

0 comments

May 23, 2003

To Recap

Live from room 254, it’s the latest installment of hännihouse! I’ve been out of blogging for a while. You see, i’ve had to take a break from blogging. I’ve had to focus on the things that really count… the things that make the world so wonderful. The things that I’m talking about consist primarily of sleep, movies and new strappy shoes!

To catch you up I will have to do a quick post-graduation playback. In short, in the past three weeks I have:

-driven to the airport on three seperate occasions
-competed for roadspace with beach week bikers at Myrtle Beach
-splashed my toes in Charleston waters
-cried at the Dawsons Creek series finale from a couch in Wilmington (filming locale of Dawsons Creek, not coincidently)
-eaten burger king (aka “diarreah king”), IHOP, KFC, Mcdonalds and Taco Bell in less than one week’s span
-taken 162 digital photos
-lost my glasses 3 times
-drove brand-new ruby 1600 miles
-got lost in ruby about 17 times between here and a 60 mile radius
-got the worlds most annoying kanker sore
-got new flip flops and underpants
-got to hug maaa and cg and sk who all came to visit
-got milk
-got tired
-got to stop this incestant list making

I miss having the old ‘rents around. I told maaa it was pretty exciting being able to walk into taco bell and order what ever I want, regardless of price. Ooh $3.49 border bowl you tasted mighty sweet, but now that maaa’s not payin’ it’s back to the very filling $1.69 seven-layer burrito. Arrrriba!

And in the latest news, I start my job back with conferences again next Tuesday. I’m looking forward to another summer of golf-cart hijinx and conference guest crazies… More to come.

0 comments

April 25, 2003

With a Rebel Yell

The days keep coming without fail, and as I inch closer to *the* day, the graduation day, things seem to be getting more bizarre. The residents are getting a little testy, (I could write a whole blog on this, calling it, “adventures in babysitting”), and the internship coordinators, like Jesus on the third day, keep rising from the tomb of my memory (where I wish to keep their experience), to tell me I need to eat burgers and do surveys for them.

Additionally, I’m in a last ditch race to become Greek – i know, don’t condemn me – it’s not what you think. Also, I have oft found myself these days a weeping willow each time that sad “goodbye, i’m leaving soon” commercial for Dawsons Creek comes on.

Someone dies in the last three episodes of DC by the way. A core character. I already told Angelface he’s on alert – I’m gonna be an absolute wreck. My throat is getting all tight at this very moment. Must. Stop. talking about beloved Dawsons and it’s ultimate, and untimely end.

In other news of the weird, ZP has had some run ins with the housekeepers in his building. I must preface with a story from last year. Last year in O’Hännisey, I became good friends with ZP who was also an RA at the time. ZP had some bad boys. One night the group decided to steal all the erase boards on the floor, throw them in the bathroom and then piss on them. ZP, unaware of these festivities, was alerted to them by the housekeepers, whose job it is to clean up these messes, should they occur.

Here’s how ZP found out: ZP gets home from class to see a nice note on his door saying something to the effect of “holy lord, there’s piss all over the bathroom floor. Have fun cleaning it up.” They left a lonely pair of plastic gloves on his door knob.

Now in case you don’t know, RAs are not allowed to touch what we call “body spills.” In fact, should we see the aforementioned body spill, we are to alert the housekeepers post haste. Because they have been trained to do so, housekeepers are the only people authorized to clean piss off the floor.

As you can imagine, ZP was very angry.

Cut to this wacky week. ZPs RA has posted a bulletin board, it’s one of those “gripe if you will” boards. Some resident had written “the elevators are too slow.” This is a very inocuous remark from a hall full of testosterone-filled eighteen year olds. Plus it’s true, those elevators are slow as crap.

Regardless, the next day there is a note tacked on to elevator comment which reads, “at least they work.” Yep, it was in the housekeepers’ scrawl. The housekeepers were defending their castle.

ZP, recognizing the housekeepers commentary wrote next to “at least they work”… “Yeah, unlike some lazy asses who sit around watching daytime tv and eating junk food instead of doing their jobs.”

This is not a defamatory comment, because it is the truth. Those housekeepers are Laaaaazy.

The next day, ZPs comment has been conventiallly ripped off the butcher paper board. Uh oh, housekeeper ladies are angry.

How will it all end? No one can say. All I can say is that these are the days my friend, let’s hope the bizareness never ends!

0 comments

April 2, 2003

Celebrate Good Times, Come On

It’s the nicest of days here at hannihouse. The sun is pouring through the windows, my tummy is full of hotdogs and spinach (delish!) and it’s my day off at the internship-o-dread. Simple pleasures, I know.

Am feeling so great today. Sunday an abrupt three-inch snowfall had me all frowny faced – Ruby and I were going to go shopping, but the snow foiled our plans! So, I just went out and wiped the snow off her top and told her she was beautiful. I couldn’t reach the very middle though, and a strip of thick, fluffy snow made a nice little mohawk for rebel Ruby.

So I’m just sitting here on this glorious weds listening to John Mayer, contemplating the cosmos. I think tomorrow I may go hike the cascades after classes. I think Friday I will ditch internship work and take that aforementioned shopping trip. I think Saturday I will fly to Paris and dance the polka on the moonlit steps of the Louvre. Then I will dine at a fine patiserie and have my portrait painted by a new bohemian named Madelline.

Yes, yes I think that sounds entirely lovely.

Also in the entirely lovely department is the fact that Dawson’s Creek has finally gone into syndication. And I’m wondering why it only took 6 years for those network bigwigs to grow a brain and syndicate the greatest show on television. the greatest show on television, ever.

There’s only 9 episodes until the show ends May 14th, but with syndication, I am proud to announce, the show goes on. Dawson’s will live forever.

In the interim between now and D-day (May 14) TBS is showing ‘the creek in 4 hour blocks, beginning at 8am and running until noon every day! After the 14th they will air in two hour blocks, from 10am until noon daily. And I’m in heaven. God bless you TBS.

Oh dawsons, sunshine, hotdogs, Ruby, I love you more than words can express. Today is truly the nicest of days here at hannihouse, and I wish you, my loyal readers days filled with nothing but magic, tranquility and surprises!

0 comments

October 6, 2002

Dawson’s Creek Season Six

So I’ve been obsessed with TV fan sites on the nets for about two weeks now – Can you blame me? I had to gear up for the two hour dawsons premier. It was pretty good with the exception of the following:

*Pacey has grown facial hair which makes him look like a fat pirate
* The Dawson/Joey love scene was, for lack of a better word, vomitious
* Dawson’s forehead appears to have gotten even larger over the summer
* Jack Osborne’s cameo was F****ing terrible, man

Despite it’s few shortcomings, Dawsons is an excellent show, and the DVD of the entire first season comes out this Spring! Also, in two days the DVD for Beauty and the Beast comes out – guess who’s gonna be at Walmart, cash in hand? Angelface! – and me of course. I’ve already made arrangements for me and the Angel to buy the Beauty.

Well as it is Sunday, and I have a bibliography to construct, *sigh*, I’ll bid you adieu!

0 comments

July 16, 2002

Look Into My Crystal Ball

I just read yesterday that the Dawson’s Creek season 6 premier is 2 hours long! For a moment I thought I was dreaming, that I must’ve died and gone to heaven… Countdown to dawons premier: 2 loooong months. (the exact date has not been announced, but typically it’s the first week of September. Will start an official hannihouse countdoon in an upcoming blog!)

Right, so I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately. For those of you who follow hannihouse, you know that the list of potential careers now reads: spy, feng shui master, mother to challenged child, medical experiment participant, naval officer, stripper, lawyer, and taco bell employee. But how do I plan to achieve such high and lofty goals as becoming a “medical experiment participant”?

This is the question. And I’ve got indigestion.

Well, the first step in this whole crazy job search process will be to read the job hunting bible, What Color is your Parachute. My advisor, Waggs, said I had to read this over the summer, so I wouldn’t be in her office freaking out in September. Waggs is a very compassionate lady.

In addition to my parachute book, Mom has also requested that I read Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.

I am worried about reading this book.

It’s just like the whole time management, book-reading/studying thing interferes with my laziness. I read a quote somewhere on blogger today that went something to the effect of “blogger makes editing so easy that even lazy people don’t have any excuses. This is very disappointing.” Well, I’m lazy, and I don’t blog every day. I will continue using my lethargy as an excuse. Laziness does not worry me.

Funny story. Last night angelface and I were talking about the future, as we sometimes do. I told him when i’m 60 he’d have to push me around, cause i’d be 300lbs and unable to walk. Angelface got a longing look in his eyes and replied “Hänni when we’re old, I’m going to have a french maid who’ll give me sexual favors.” I snorted in surprise.

Never one to be selfish Angel piped in: “Don’t worry baby. I will buy you a male nurse.”

He said it just like that. Like not even joking or sarcastic. You gotta love angelface.

And you gotta love the future.. whatever it holds.

0 comments

April 24, 2002

This is my brain. This is my brain on Dawsons.

So I watched the Dawson’s 100th episode today. As usual, after watching an episode of my favorite drama, I became nostalgic and introspective. I know it’s just TV, but those kids really get to me. And it’s always been that way. This is geeky, but the whole Dawson-Joey back and forth bit, well when I was in high school I went through the same thing with this boy. And he used to watch the show too, so we would talk about how our little puppy love relationship mirrored the stuff we watched on the show.

Of course, we never thought it was puppy love. To us it was the be all, end all. We were soulmates. We were tragic. We were going to be together forever. We thought we were a lot of things, but really we were just kids – kids who were completely, hopelessly, and undeniably naive. And it’s a little sad, because you grow up and you forget how magical it was to stay up until dawn to watch the sunrise … or watch a show together. God bless you creators of Dawsons creek.

And this is what Dawson’s does to me. I’m a warm, mushy pile of sentimentality.

I remember last year, I was watching this episode at like 3 am on a school night. It was about this girl o’ding on ecstacy, and about how the kids of the Creek would never be the same again. I literally didn’t sleep at all that night. It was quite pathetic actually. I mean, I had the lights all out. The campus was silent, and I’m sitting in my room sobbing hysterically, mourning the loss of a TV character I didn’t like that much in the first place. All truth be told, I still miss that character.

oh god, I can’t beleive I wrote this out for you guys, but this is really how I feel right now. You probably came for something funny about vomit, nudity, or Canadians. Sorry to disappoint. Am in the throes of post-dawsons creek viewing. And am a huge geek.

0 comments

March 23, 2002

It’s A Small World After All

I had the most delightful study session ever. Although we didn’t really get any studying done, I did learn that my study buddy is from the west coast. This is extremelly novel considering nobody from the west coast actually ends up in south west virginia – nobody except me – and now, michelle. Michelle goes to school at Oregon State with my demented friend from home, Breckan-the-law. What a small world.

Anyway, so I have a new fish. No, i’m not trying to replace Minh, because that could never be accomplished. I actually bought Paulo and his long, luxurious fins before Minh’s passing. Some friends h ave said that Minh died of jealousy. But Minh wasn’t like that. He was just gorgeous, yellow, and lethargic. He didn’t have the energy for jealousy.

In any event, paulo is swimming happily on top of my book shelf. Yesterday I left the mirror next to his tank all day, and when i got home from class he wasn’t moving. He was just sitting there, staring into space. His eyes looked glazed, and I thought he too had passed.

Horrified, I imagined myself a fish killer.

But then I made zack come poke Paulo with a fishing net, and he swam around. It seems that the mirror served to piss Paulo off just enough that he began a staring contest with the enemy-fish, which was really just his reflection in the mirror.

I can relate to Paulo’s imbalance. Dawson has been reruning since the first week of March, and I am really starting to miss that junx. When will they come out with a Dawson’s DVD? let’s face it – even sorority boys will have a DVD some day. Sometimes I think there is no justice in the world.

life ranking on the Can’t-live-without-Dawson’s-on-DVD-o-meter: 90% (Why not 100% Well, realistically, I guess I could conveivably live without the Dawsons DVD – I mean, as long as I had food and water, I could still keep on breathing. But why would anyone want to live in a world without digital DC?)

« Older Entries