So American Idol, Season 5. It came, it went, it gave us Taylor “my pubes look like a genius’s haircut” Hicks (god love him).

Here at the haus, Season 5 gave us something else: a reason to get retarded.

… And that’s exactly what we did.

In January I announced the Randy Jackson What’s Up Dawg Contest. The premise was simple: guess how many times the American Idol judge would say “dawg” throughout the season and win a prize.

I had no idea what I was getting into. I mean, Randy said “dawg” *a lot*. In fact, he said it 74 freaking times! And every time he did, I had to run to my computer and add another little tick mark to the Randy Jackson Register.

And that was a real pain in the ass.

But I’m happy now, because I get to tell you about our weiner.

Cze-Johnson Carrie, when you picked “72” I was kind of concerned. I thought your guess was not right for this competition…

But you know what, baby girl? You–worked–it–out.

And because of that, I have to say congratulations Cze-Johnson Carrie, you’re going to Hollywood, baby! Yeah!

… Or at least you’re going to receive a crappy $10 paperback autographed by Hänni pretending to be Randy Jackson! … Win.

For all those who played at home, but didn’t make that grade, I wanna say thank you. Limp Bizkit may have done it all for the nookie, but you, dear hannihaus readers, did it all for the book(ie). And for your nerdiness, I commend you.

You’re all winners in life…

*cze-johnson carrie—72 dawgs*

gary—30 dawgs

mrtl—71 dawgs

scottygee—234 dawgs

jane—30/episode

Erin—218 dawgs

Sassy887—1567 dawgs

Oregoncelticlady—79 dawgs

Divine Calm—187 dawgs

Amber—47 dawgs

Nhan Tran—54 dawgs

Bellyfur—168

*mrtl and oregoncelticlady look for your runner up boobie prizes in the mail.

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New contest involving inclement weather coming soon!

Alright kids it’s been 8 weeks of American Idol Cocktail Countdown madness and tonight it all come down to this …

I’m about to get retarded and it’s all your fault.

Your votes have been counted. The Internet has spoken. You wanted to get me wasted, so you chose Stephanie’s Coke Lobster to be the winner of the AI Cocktail Countdown. Although its probably foolish to do so, I will be toasting this tasty brew—as promised—at the American Idol Finale Party tonight.

That being said, I cordially invite you, dear hannihaus readers, to join me in my jackassery. Please, should you feel so compelled, *do* play along at home.

For those who are tossing back the ‘Lobster at 8/7 central, you will need to do the following:

1. Gather ingredients.

You will need:
Crown Royal
Chambord
Coke
Shaker
Ice

2. Mix your booze.

Directions:
- Fill shaker with ice.
- Then fill shaker halfway with Crown Royal.
- Add about ¼ shaker of cranberry juice (about an inch from top)
- Add a shot of Chambord (more or less to taste)
- Top with a splash of Coke
- Shake it like a polaroid pitcha

3. Freak dance with strangers.

- Bonus points if the stranger is wearing renaissance garb and/or looks like a member of Swedish pop sensation, ABBA

4. Lather, rinse, repeat.

* If you can’t/choose not to do the booze (Cze-Johnson Carrie, Spanky, whoever), please enjoy a nonalcoholic Coke at 8/7C. It’s the real thing.

*If you promised to tip one back, I know who you are (villiage idiot, mrtl, fil, CFTP, whoever else). You better do it … and you better send me incriminating photographs that I can post on my blog lovingly admire in private.

Alright time to party. Til next, dear hannihaus readers, adieu!

I read in the news this morning that American Idol contestant, Mandisa will not be performing at a pro-gay event. The unquestionably Christian singer speculates these kind of beliefs are what got her kicked of the show last week.

I disagree.

Having seen her last performance, I think it’s perfectly obvious why she lost the votes.

America is superficial. And Mandisa – for some inexplicable reason – was styled most unflatteringly, like a helium balloon.

And it’s a shame. A big, beautiful woman with one helluva talent, I would’ve picked Mandisa to win American Idol by a backside.

Because you know baby got back(side).

Heh.

But yeah, I’m kind of having a hard time coming to grips with this loss. You see, hot air is the reason American voted Mandisa off, but when Gdub employed it, he got voted in. WTF?!
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Don’t let a Mandisa happen here at the haus! I want you… to get me trashed. Pick your poison every day in the AI Cocktail Countdown. First drink gets kicked off tonight!

Wanna get me wasted? Here’s your chance!

Here at the haus, we love us some American Idol. Sometimes the performances really touch us and we’re driven to laugh, cry, smirk or smile. Most often though – after enduring 60 minutes Paula’s bad hair and the contestants’ bad vocals – I just wanna drink.

And here’s where I need your help.

On the night of the finale I’m going to attend an American Idol party. At said shindig I will be toasting with a tasty beverage of your choosing.

That’s right. I said you’ll be getting me (and about 10 of my foolish fabulous friends) trashed.

Here’s how it works: Starting today, for the next 8 weeks I’ll have a poll posted here at the haus. Each week, you vote for your favorite drink. The drink with the least votes gets kicked out. At the end of 8 weeks, the last beverage standing will be the big wiener. And it will also be responsible for making me, inevitably, freak dance with strangers.

Details: Each round of voting starts when new polls are posted at 9am EST each Tuesday. Look for the poll in my sidebar (over there —->)

**You can vote once every day, so come back damn it!**

Pick my poison: Drink details are listed alphabetically below. The thing they have in common? They all contain coca-cola. We figure if American Idol can whore some coke, so can we. We’re easy like that.

• Blonde’s Death: Rum, red wine, coke, ice | Voted off on 4.24
• Carmel Coke : Butterscotch schnapps, coke, ice | Voted off on 4.10
• Christophe’s French 75: Sparkling white wine, cognac, lemon, coke | Voted off on 4.17
• Coconut Coke: Coconut rum, coke, ice | Voted off on 5.15
• Coked out Bee: Honey liqueur, coke | Voted off on 5.8
• Jack-Off: Jack Daniels, coke, iced tea, ice | Voted off on 5.22
• WINNER—–>Stephanie’s Coke Lobster: Crown Royal, chambord, cranberry juice, coke
• Vodka Swish : Vodka, soda water, coke, lime | Voted off on 4.17

Your lovely parting gift: Should you help get me trashed, you *will not* be allowed to put your hands down my pants. You *will*, however, get the distinct pleasure of saying “I did that!” while laughing your tush off at the trainwreck that will be my post-party pics.

You can also, should you be so foolish fabulous, choose to slam a few of the winning bevvies back with me, on the day of the finale.

Oh, and if you really wanna, you could post this on your blog (huzzah!):

Now that you know the basics, go get your vote on!

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FYI – if you tried to get the banner before 2PM EST on 4.6.06, it probably didn’t work. Banner is now fixed. Try again please.

I don’t get it. You’ve got fame. You’ve got money. You’ve got a stylist who does all your fitting and primping…

And yet, during an appearance on national TV, you still manage to look like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes.

Paula Abdul, for displaying the best helmet hair this side of Chewbacca’s Wookieefied forehead, we salute you:

For all the Idol fans at the haus: straight up now tell me, Paula *did not* look like a hot mess Tuesday night.

I mean, I’ve seen better hair on Don King … and that’s not sayin’ much.

Although her public appearance was entirely frightening, I guess Paula needn’t worry too much. After all, not *everyone* in America watches her show. I’m pretty sure my grandma doesn’t peep the ‘Idol…

But guess what? Everyone else does! Yeah 30 million people witnessed the Hairdo O’ Horrors.

…And then we went online and blogged about it –just to keep grandma in the loop, of course. Heh.

Thanks Manuel for the Paula pic
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Hey you! I can’t hardly stalk you if I don’t know where to find you. Join my map.

Well it’s that time of year again, folks. For the next 15 weeks or so, millions of people will tune in and tune out to the Fox phenom, American Idol. This is the haus’s favorite show, and – because we like it, we really like it – we want to celebrate with a little friendly competition.

Let’s play!

We want you: to wager a guess on how many times Idol judge, Randy “yeah dawg” Jackson, will indeed utter the word, “dawg” throughout the duration of season 5. (Hint: it’s probably going to be a lot. And if it’s not a lot, then it might only be a little.)

Entering is easy: simply leave your guess in comments. E-mail your guess to hanni at hannihaus dot com (so as to avoid any Price is Right one uppage.) Please note, only numerical/ quantifiable guesses will be counted. “A shitload” and “your mama” – while funny – will not win you the big prize.

The big prize: besides bragging rights, and the opportunity to be called a “weiner” here at the haus, the best guesser will also receive a shiny, sparkling copy of “What’s Up Dawg: How To Become a Super Star in the Music Business,” written by none other than Mr. Randy Jackson himself. Woo!

Get yer guess in: by midnight Sunday, February 5, 2006. All guesses published Feb. 6 and the Weiner will be announced in May, on the night of the finale.

The last thing I want to say is: even if you’re *gasp* not a fan of American Idol, or *double gasp* hannihaus lurkers (hi!), please play! It’s so totally easy to venture a guess, and look, the book is useful even if you don’t intend to read it.

Uses for the Randy Jackson paperback include (but are not limited to):

With that I say, let the games begin! (Don’t forget to reference the Randy Jackson Register for the latest dawg count numbers.)

*Everyone who enters will get a shout out and will have their Web site linked here at the haus. If you don’t have a Web site, don’t worry -enter anyway! Besides, I’m sure you have other redeeming qualities. Maybe you’re good with wienerschnitzel? I don’t know.

Today I come to you, a humbled Hänni. It seems, dear hannihaus readers, that I made an egregious mistake when I reported that Randy “they used to call him Jabba” Jackson did *not* use the word “dawg” on the American Idol Season 5 premier.

I’m not sure how I missed it, but a playback, brought to us by Manuel, Tivo, and the letter “k” confirms that Mr. Jackson did indeed utter his crowd-pleasin’ catchword on the night in question.

Remember Barney Fife from West Virginia? He kept singing “I shot the sheriff…” (pause for two secs) “I shot the sheriff…” (pause for two secs) “I shot the sheriff…” (pause for two secs) “I shot –Meh.You get the idea.

Anyway, at the end of the deputy’s beat-up, broken record of a performance, apparently Randy does say, “That’d be a ‘no’ dawg.”

You know what that means folks? It means, that although I suspected otherwise, Mariah Carey *did not* eat Randy’s “dawg.” She merely ate Randy – dude used to be twice the size he is now… I’m just sayin.

Anywho, in lieu of the recent “dawg” discovery, I am proud to announce a new segment of the haus. We will call it the Randy Jackson Register… and it will be glorious… and you can find it snuggled all sandwich-like between the “About” and “Archive” sections of the haus sidenav.

It’s a simple concept folks. Every time Randy says “dawg,” I – your mistress – will put a tally in the register. At the end of the season we’ll all be able to look back on the accumulated entries, and – I don’t know – maybe one of you will be receiving a p-r-i-z-e.

Hee hee! Contest details will be announced Sunday, and don’t worry, even if you’re not an Idolphile, it’ll still be fun.

Like more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Like more fun than getting a Brazillian nostril wax.

Like more fun even than bidding on William Shatner’s ebayed kidney stone (yech!)
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Dear Hannihaus readers, I have a position to fill and I need your help. I’m looking for a brave (and detail-oriented) Deputy Dawg Catcher to help ensure that I’m keeping accurate count for the Randy Jackson Register.

A sort of quality assurance position, the qualified candidate will be as freaky deeky about Idol as I am, and must, accordingly, commit to watching – like it’s some kind of religion – every episode of American Idol this season… or at least 90% of them anyway.

Interested parties, please apply in comments. Even if you don’t want to apply, leave a comment anyway, because it’s Friday and you’re cool like that.
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*Update* Manuel has stepped up to the plate!  He is the official hannihaus Deputy Dawg Catcher.  Congratulations and happy dawg counting!

And so it’s begun. With a two-hour premier that was chock full of the schlock, American Idol Season five is in full, freaking swing.

While AI was, as always, enjoyable, the Windy City auditions were a wee bit disappointing.

Sure there was the requisite taunting of the tone deaf, and yes there was a dude in drag –Hirsute Heidi’s voice could spoil milk, but what was really unforgivable was his flagrant display of chicken legs -, and yeah, there was that sexy Russian babe whose performance – more cabaret than qual-i-tay – prompted Paula to tear her shirt off… but it’s not like Paula hasn’t lost her top for a contestant before.

What up Corey Clark, you skeezy cheeser.

Anyway, amidst all the normal tomfoolery, something occurred last night that was quite shocking. You know what I found entirely unusual, dear hannihaus readers, so much so that I lost sleep over it?

Paula asks “What happened to Randy’s ‘dawg?’”

I couldn’t believe it but, Randy “I was in Journey” Jackson didn’t utter a single “Yeah dawg” throughout the entire episode!

That’s just craziness.

Well I don’t know about you, but I needed some answers. In an exclusive hannihaus interview, I asked Randy what really happened with the loss of his trademark phrase.

“I don’t know dude,” the jovial judge answered. “Mariah Carey must’ve eaten it”.