Today I come to you, a humbled Hänni. It seems, dear hannihaus readers, that I made an egregious mistake when I reported that Randy “they used to call him Jabba” Jackson did *not* use the word “dawg” on the American Idol Season 5 premier.

I’m not sure how I missed it, but a playback, brought to us by Manuel, Tivo, and the letter “k” confirms that Mr. Jackson did indeed utter his crowd-pleasin’ catchword on the night in question.

Remember Barney Fife from West Virginia? He kept singing “I shot the sheriff…” (pause for two secs) “I shot the sheriff…” (pause for two secs) “I shot the sheriff…” (pause for two secs) “I shot –Meh.You get the idea.

Anyway, at the end of the deputy’s beat-up, broken record of a performance, apparently Randy does say, “That’d be a ‘no’ dawg.”

You know what that means folks? It means, that although I suspected otherwise, Mariah Carey *did not* eat Randy’s “dawg.” She merely ate Randy – dude used to be twice the size he is now… I’m just sayin.

Anywho, in lieu of the recent “dawg” discovery, I am proud to announce a new segment of the haus. We will call it the Randy Jackson Register… and it will be glorious… and you can find it snuggled all sandwich-like between the “About” and “Archive” sections of the haus sidenav.

It’s a simple concept folks. Every time Randy says “dawg,” I – your mistress – will put a tally in the register. At the end of the season we’ll all be able to look back on the accumulated entries, and – I don’t know – maybe one of you will be receiving a p-r-i-z-e.

Hee hee! Contest details will be announced Sunday, and don’t worry, even if you’re not an Idolphile, it’ll still be fun.

Like more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Like more fun than getting a Brazillian nostril wax.

Like more fun even than bidding on William Shatner’s ebayed kidney stone (yech!)
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Dear Hannihaus readers, I have a position to fill and I need your help. I’m looking for a brave (and detail-oriented) Deputy Dawg Catcher to help ensure that I’m keeping accurate count for the Randy Jackson Register.

A sort of quality assurance position, the qualified candidate will be as freaky deeky about Idol as I am, and must, accordingly, commit to watching – like it’s some kind of religion – every episode of American Idol this season… or at least 90% of them anyway.

Interested parties, please apply in comments. Even if you don’t want to apply, leave a comment anyway, because it’s Friday and you’re cool like that.
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*Update* Manuel has stepped up to the plate!  He is the official hannihaus Deputy Dawg Catcher.  Congratulations and happy dawg counting!

And so it’s begun. With a two-hour premier that was chock full of the schlock, American Idol Season five is in full, freaking swing.

While AI was, as always, enjoyable, the Windy City auditions were a wee bit disappointing.

Sure there was the requisite taunting of the tone deaf, and yes there was a dude in drag –Hirsute Heidi’s voice could spoil milk, but what was really unforgivable was his flagrant display of chicken legs -, and yeah, there was that sexy Russian babe whose performance – more cabaret than qual-i-tay – prompted Paula to tear her shirt off… but it’s not like Paula hasn’t lost her top for a contestant before.

What up Corey Clark, you skeezy cheeser.

Anyway, amidst all the normal tomfoolery, something occurred last night that was quite shocking. You know what I found entirely unusual, dear hannihaus readers, so much so that I lost sleep over it?

Paula asks “What happened to Randy’s ‘dawg?’”

I couldn’t believe it but, Randy “I was in Journey” Jackson didn’t utter a single “Yeah dawg” throughout the entire episode!

That’s just craziness.

Well I don’t know about you, but I needed some answers. In an exclusive hannihaus interview, I asked Randy what really happened with the loss of his trademark phrase.

“I don’t know dude,” the jovial judge answered. “Mariah Carey must’ve eaten it”.

The pretense is over and the finally, the rollercoaster that is American Idol: Season 4 is drawing to a close. The lesser competitors have fallen, and all that remains are Carrie and Bo -2 kids with big hearts, big voices, and big hair.

And now, it is time for me to endorse my candidate for American Idol 2005.

I admit, both candidates can really blow – And not in just one sense of the word. I’m talking about blowing in every single way. You see, just as everything in the world has the opposing forces of yin and yang guiding them from within, so does each of the American Idols have something I call Happy Blow and Crappy Blow.

(Happy) Blow v. 1. Great singer, strong voice (“Dawg, you really sang that song great. You can blow!”)

(Crappy) Blow v. 1. To be of poor quality, displeasing (“Those skank-a$$ sunglasses really blow.”)

In the case of Bo Bice there is also a third blow that comes into play. This blow got him arrested on felony drug charges – but I digress.

And now, without further ado, I would like to announce my pick for American Idol: Season 4, Search for a Star is: *drum roll please*

Bo “he just might be half sheep dog” Bice.

In his admittedly stunning performance on Tuesday night, he blew the audience away with a surprise a cappella offering that, in my opinion, did not suck. Back home in ‘Bama he seemed genuine, enthusiastic, and gosh darn it, he already looked like an American Idol winner.

Congratulations Bo!

I’m voting for Bice, despite the lice. (tm DonutDave)

Carrie you can sing, but you’re a bit too wooden. If you try real hard, maybe some day you’ll be a real boy.

Til next, adieu!

I hate to keep writing about this (b/c I realize there might be .5 of you out there who don?t watch the show), but I really feel like it’s important to discuss the madness that is AI.

So Bo – he’s made it through another week, and I can’t wait for him to get voted off. I mean, he’s gotten so vain glorious with his fashion mogul sunglasses and strategic hair smoothing. And this new shaggy, patchy rug he’s got growing on his face – does he believe that’s sexy? Who does Bo think he is anyway? The president of the United States? The freakin queen of England? The super cutie king of Indie/emo/folk music, Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes?

No! He is none of these. He is a pompous a$$!

I don’t know about you, but with each week, with facial hair growth reaching dangerous proportions, I think he’s starting to look more and more like another very hirsute celebrity:

And Federov – Although I despise the kid, I do have this to say about him. Being that Anthony hasn’t hit puberty, the chances of him committing a facial hair-related offense are slim to none. And I might like him a teeny bit for that.

And of course, Sausage Fingers – In an interesting twist, this week Scotty the Body changed up his look by shaving the ever present chin strap. While I find this action to be commendable for most, in Scotty’s case the lack of facial frizz made it painfully obvious that he is not destined to be the Idol. If he plays his cards right, he could be still an Idol – or maybe just idolized – or maybe just uncomfortably ogled at… I hear the Ghost Busters convention has an opening for The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, and I can’t think of a better candidate!

I’m really disappointed with the idols this year, and can not pick a favorite. None of them deserves to win, and I’ll tell you why:

Scotty The Body – Has abhorrent sausage fingers.

Carrie – Has no personality, and while her hair has gotten better in the past few weeks, I can not forgive her past indiscretions.

Anthony – Has a femme facade which was only made worse by singing, and kicking a$$ on a heartfelt Celine Dion number. Coincidently, this may have been the only time Anthony has ever wanted to nail a woman.

Vonzelle – Has the sweetest personality. I can not say anything against Baby V, except that I just don?t think she?s at the same level as past winners.

Bo – Has some skeletons in his closet of which I highly disapprove. Crack is wack kids! He does have talent though, and maybe people will still keep voting for him despite the cocaine – hey, it didn’t hurt the President.

While we are on the topic of discussing those who look like American Idol contestants (I.e. Kristoff), I thought it might be fun to segue into a discussion about those who actually are crooners on that bubblegum pop program.

The nation was shocked last Wednesday when poodle-in-a-leather-jacket, faux rocker Constaine Moroulis was voted off Idol. Quite frankly I wasn’t, and here’s why:

Constatine’s unique pairing of a Prince Charming chin, (think cavernous dimple surrounded by two inverted peaks), with his classic and splendid Barney Gumble waddle made him the obvious choice to vote off.

And what do I mean by waddle? A waddle is a secret double chin.

In most instances the waddle is undetectable, and only when the neck is constricted – I.e. at times, when you are looking towards an audience with head lowered, seemingly sexy-like, in hopes of seducing fourteen-year-olds to text message a vote for you (idol 05!) – does it become apparent.

And you think, when the audience stares back all mystified, that you are the greatest pseudo rock star to ever sing Partridge family songs on a schlocky Fox stage. In reality the audience is simply spellbound by your awesome and glorious chin droop.