Posts archived in Mixed Bag

December 21, 2006

Decking The Halls With Balls And Holly: Part Two

Dudes of the haus, this post is for you.

See I know that Christmas can be difficult. You want to impress your lady—really thank her for all the nice things she’s done throughout the year. You want to say “gracias mi amor” for being your baby, for being your rock, for being the one who keeps you in clean cotton underpants.

After all, undies are important … unless of course your name is Britney Spears, in which case they’re just optional.

…but I digress.

So yeah, you want to get your lady a special gift, but you probably don’t know where to start. Bath salts, gift cards, candles—it’s all to cliché.

Want to get your sweetie something she’ll never forget? Check out this instructional video!

Because her favorite package this year is bound to be yours, enjoy:

16 comments

December 6, 2006

Nucking Futz

So one thing Bro Bro and I did during the Tofurkey Day holiday was drink some California wine. It was awesome because wine is my new hobby.

Yes I’ve decided I need some so-fiss-ti-kay-shun in my life. Mostly because I recently figured out that Angel’s daily declaration of “Hänni, crack kills!” is not a commentary on narcotics and necrosis, but rather a heads up that my butt’s hanging out my blue jeans.

And apparently this is a common occurrence. Ref: my coworker who told me today—after discussing the Angel ass-crack epiphany—”oh honey, we’ve all seen your undies.”

And then I decided to change my name to Super Mario, as it’s obvious I have a serious case of perpetual plumber’s butt.

But I digress.

So yeah I’m just learning about wine. But Bro Bro has been studying the vino for a while because he lives in California. And Californians love the wine.

You know what else Californian’s love? Almonds.

Did you know 80% of the domestic crop comes from California? It’s true. I read that on CNN. There was an article about how some dude got busted for stealing 400K worth of almonds.

That’s a lot of freaking almonds. I don’t know why you’d steal that much, except if you wanted to make like 100 million almond joys or a massive vat of marzipan or something.

In any event, the dude who stole the goods is probably going to jail for being an almond thief.

Which is only slightly better than being a grape smuggler.

What is a grape smuggler, you ask? Well it’s not someone who sneaks around in vineyards. It’s a dude who wears his pants so tight his Christmas bulbs splay sideways.

And while you can’t be jailed for grape smuggling, a crime is clearly committed—a crime against fashion.

I personally think almond thieves and grape smugglers should be treated with equivalent recourse. After all, they’re practically the same thing.

Both are reprehensible. And both deal in nuts.

10 comments

November 30, 2006

Write On!

So there’s something we need to talk about dear hannihaus readers. And this one’s pretty tough so I’m going to cut right to the chase:

I am a slack ass.

The frequency with which I’ve been posting is pretty lame. And you’ve probably been disappointed. It’s OK. I’ve been disappointed too …

Not so much with this blog mind you, but I’ve been disappointed with other things. For instance, the war in Iraq is pretty shitty. The American health care system sucks. And one time I hit a link that said “Click to see Britney Spears clam,” but all that displayed was her crotch. Frankly, I would’ve preferred to see a mollusk.

But anyway, dear hannihaus readers, apologies are in order and I want to say I’m sorry. This blog’s your mistress and I, the author, have been a lazy lover.

… But that all changes today.

This afternoon, whilst lurking the Net I came across a little something called NaBloPoMo. For those who are unfamiliar, NaBloPoMo is short for “National Blog Posting Month.” Both based in November, NaBloPoMo is the little sister to NaNoWriMo, a program that challenges writing nerds to crank out a novel in thirty days.

While I’m a writing nerd, I’m too lazy to pen a novel. Instead, I’d like to announce my participation in NaBloPoMo.

!!!

That’s right baby birds, I hope you had your mouths wide open because Mama just fed you a big, juicy worm.

This is a historic day. I, Hänni of the Haus, am promising you, dear readers—that no matter how arduous the task, no matter how much it sucks—I will write.

I will write like my blog depends on it, because for the purposes of NaBloPoMo, it does.

Indeed dear hannihaus readers, the era of lethargy has ended and the era of industry has arrived.

The dawn of daily posting is upon us–For every remaining November day left in this, the year of our lord 2006, I promise to post.
…

But I’m kind of tired right now. So I think I’ll start tomorrow.

12 comments

November 17, 2006

PSA: Eff That Edition

I’m not real political but this shit is pissing me off.

In case anyone is wondering: IT IS NOT OK TO WRITE BOOKS DETAILING HOW YOU WOULD KILL YOUR WIFE, FATHER, MOTHER, SISTER, BROTHER, CAT, DOCTOR or DENTIST.

It is especially inappropriate to murder someone in writing when in fact your virtual victim died violently in real life. This is especially heinous when you are considered (by most) to be the killer.

Fox News is planning to air an interview with OJ Simpson. Do not watch it. Do not buy the book. Do not–I implore you–contribute to this man’s Campaign of Hate.

He is disgusting and has no respect for his surviving children or the deceased.

Because I couldn’t say it any better, please read this.

6 comments

November 13, 2006

Bippity Boppity Boo

Back when I was on the skids and unemployed, I took this class. And one of the things I learned was that 80% of people land jobs through networking.

This surprised me, because I’ve *never* gotten work this way. My last two jobs I got through the Internet. And statistically nobody gets work though the Internet—only freaks get work though the Internet. Like seriously, the success rate is about 5%.

The average person has a much better chance of contracting herpes from ~~Hooker~~ Paris Hilton than contracting work through Monster.com.

… But that’s not saying much.

So I thought I’d probably pull a hat trick—because I’m super freaky like that—and get a third position, my Texas gig, through the Jobternet.

But my friend DaReaVeRoFBiTS had a different idea. He submitted my resume to a co-worker and faster than you can say, “They liked me! They really liked me!” I was given a cubicle and a brand new-box of binder clips.

And then came the office slippers. For The Mother F*-ing Win.

Yes, that’s Office Slippers FTMFW.

Not only is that the name of DaReaVeRoFBiTS super cool blog, it’s also what dude likes to wear on his tootsies.

To celebrate my initiation into Another Very Hip Software Company, darling D mailed me my very own office slippers FTMFW.

Flattered, I told him he shouldn’t have. He’d done so much, getting me a job and now the kick-ass kicks, well, they were just.too.awesome.

I told him I felt like Cinderella. He was my fairy godmother.

“Well,” DaReaVeRoFBiTS replied, “I have been told I am hot when I have my wings on, and when I wave my magic wand, everyone better look out!”
…

Now I’m not sure what DaReaVeRoFBiTS meant when he said “magic wand,” but if it’s what I’m thinking, then it’s just not kosher.

Like literally.

He’s not Jewish.
—–
Not Jewish, but still awesome—thanks DaReaVeRoFBiTS! And happy Monday dear hannihaus readers!

11 comments

October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

This year for Halloween I wanted to do something really scary. Like truly frightening and maybe a little spooky ooky.

Yes dear hannihaus readers, instead of my usual organic raisins, I’ll be giving neighborhood kids this:

(click for a trick!)

15 comments

October 16, 2006

Swamp Thing

So I got this new job. I’m tech writing for Another Very Hip Software Company. My editor there is awesome—today was my first day, and she already taught this noob some good stuff.

While conversing, Madam Editor used a word with which I am familiar, but not fluent. In fact, I have never uttered said word … until today.

Because the back-and-forth flow of our conversation depended on my use of this word (to describe a particular regional phenomenon), I uttered it.
Up my throat, through my teeth, out my lips … I said:

Buuuy-yoo.

No not, buuuy-yoo like, “You better buuuy-yoo some fake nails to go with that horse-hair weeve.”

I’m talking buuuy-yoo like the boggy marsh junx where alligators like to hang out.

Or buuuy-yoo like the “Born On The Bayou” song.

Or even buuuy-yoo like there’s a shitload of buuuy-yoo all over Houston, so when it rains real hard—on days like today for instance—that swamp crap backs up and the streets fill with water, making trips home from First Day of Work entirely way too long at 2.5 hours for 30 miles (plus three turnarounds, because getting lost is a real bitch), thus confirming your suspicions that given the choice between an herbal enema and spending 2.5 hours on a Houston highway, you’d take the ass bag any day.

Buuuy-yoo.

That shit is bananas.
—–
BTW I’m back in Houston.

19 comments

October 5, 2006

Steers, Queers and (Now) Me My Dear Part II

On making friends and ~~influencing~~ embarrassing people

One thing I always try to do when moving to a new town is act real cool. Now that I’m in Texas, project Act Real Cool is in full effect.

So the other day, when I went to a local grocery called H.E.B. I tried to keep it discreet while making bedroom eyes at the organic produce. And I curbed my enthusiasm, pretended I was laid back chillin’ when I found energy-efficient compact fluorescents at a killer price. And when I saw hormone-free beef and lamb in the same cold case, I feigned nonchalance, even though inside I was all “holy crap!” “eureka!” and “santa maria!”

As I moseyed the aisles in search of Newman’s Own organic raisins, my mind started to work. What did “H.E.B.” stand for anyway? Silently, I composed a list of possibilities:

Hairspray Endears Bears
Half Eagle Biscuit
Have Eh Beer
Happy Elephant Britches
Hot Eskimo Booty
Hänni Enjoys Borscht

An hour-and-a-half later when I got to the checkout and the clerk rang up my items, I had a sudden realization.

And that realization was not that H.E.B. stood for “Hair-E-Buttocks” … although that would’ve been awesome.

No dear hannihaus readers, standing in a store that may or may not be called “Horny Eel Boogie,” I realized that instead of making acronyms, my time would’ve been better spent making sure I’d brought money.

Because I didn’t.

(Of course.)
—–
Here I am now, entertain me. After doing some research I now know that H.E.B. stands for “Here Everything’s Better,” but that’s kind of lame. Why don’t you, dear hannihaus reader, make me an acronym? Tell me in comments, what could H.E.B. stand for?

33 comments

August 24, 2006

I Should’ve Titled The Other Post, “Foreshadowing”

If someone asked me what I did today, I would say “nothing much … well, except I lost my job.”

Because I did.

But actually, I didn’t lose my job today. I was pinkslipped yesterday, around 2PM.

And then at 2:30PM I started drinking margaritas with the other kids who got cut.

And I didn’t stop drinking for quite some time.

Which explains why at 2PM today I was hungover, camped out on someone else’s couch, wearing someone else’s clothes, eating Papa John’s pizza, and watching E! True Hollywood Story: Paula Abdul.

14 comments

August 17, 2006