But actually it wasn’t a watermelon. It was a baby!
My sweetie-pie niece, Baby Grace was born this morning, weighing 9lbs 6ozs.
What’s cool about all this—besides the fact she looks like a little squished grape and I am all about organic raisins—is that I intuitively knew today would be Gracie’s birthday.
I knew this because I dreamed [...]

A friend wrote something that made me recoil in horror.
In a post about sibling rivalry, she mentioned one sister had kicked the other sister in the neck.
Who the eff kicks their sibling, the flesh-of-their-flesh, blood-of-their-blood in the FREAKING NECK?!
…
I’ve always preferred the crotch.
Just ask my brother, the eunuch.

During the course of our conversation he said two very interesting things:
1. Scientists have discovered the world is indeed flat
2. Girls with short hair are bitches
Obviously he was only right about one of two things.
…
Everyone knows planets are *not* shaped like pancakes.

Thursday—in celebration of Tofurkey Day—I took a trip.
And that trip—like the one our forefathers embarked on in 1620—led me to lands previously unknown
For the Pilgrims, the final destination was America.
For me, it was Fresno.
Yes Fresno, California. A place I’d been scared to visit for quite some time. Part of the trepidation lay in the fact [...]

It’s not just a killer ditty by Ozzy Osbourne; it’s what I’ve done.
For my Mama, I came home.
Yes dear hannihaus readers, just days after arriving in Houston, this dirty hippy hit the bricks, headed (further) west and then north to Alaska.
I guess the fact that I recently pissed myself at a truck stop wasn’t a [...]

Many of you have harassed e-mailed me to check-in, get the 4-1-1, the skinny, the scoop and the poop.
“It’s been quiet at the haus,” you wrote. “What’s new in FL/TX?”
Well first thing, I’m still in Florida. Maaa’s back home in Alaska. My current status is: knee-deep-in-packing-boxes.
This is only slightly preferable to being knee-deep-in-shit.
At least when [...]

In a classic children’s story, Little Red Riding Hood notes what big ears the wolf has, what big eyes and what big teeth.
The wolf replies that these are all the better to hear miss Riding Hood with, see her with and eat her with.
If Little Red Riding Hood were to come visit me at three [...]

My darling sis sent me and Maaa a link via e-mail. The subject line? “Awww Cute.”
And it was.
It was so very cute, I almost soiled my britches.
It was so very cute, Maaa nearly had a heart attack.
Know what else was so very cute? How Sis was thoughtful enough to give Maaa a call, after sending [...]

You’ve heard the wacky rumors, now it’s time for the truth.
Yes, dear hannihaus readers, LA did indeed steal my soul. But I made some quick negotiations with a man in a speedo (AKA Rockstar Brother) and he brought me to the airport.
And now—like Paris Hilton’s herpes outbreak—I’m back! (Feel free to get giddy everyone.)
LA, if [...]

I’ve got two dads. And they are awesome.
Growing up my dads taught me a lot of things: how to ride a bike, race a snowmobile, catch a salmon, pitch a tent, pull a finger, and pop a wheely.
They taught me that yellow means go faster, and that red—like the kind Mom sees when you’re 15 [...]