Hello ghouls and boys. Pull up a corpse—er chair and settle in. I’m going to tell you a scary story. Of course if you are a mummy, please do not make yourself comfortable, as relaxation may cause you to unwind. For everyone else, let’s sit a spell … or two … or three.

Long ago, one Hallows Eve my friends M & M Misadventure invited me to dine at their annual spooky supper. On the menu: moldy old ladies fingers (cut fresh daily) and dog food dip, yummy mummy calzones, and coffin cake for dessert. After a dinner like that, it’s lucky I made it out alive. The food was, quite simply, to die for.

Now that I’ve relocated to the spooky ooky ooky state of Texas, it’s impossible for me to dine at the Misadventures’ embalming table. But like the ancient Egyptian’s harvesting of organs and intestines of their hallowed dead, I too like to preserve … tradition, that is. In this, the first of a four part series, I will share with you my (printable) menu for a simple Halloween dinner. And oh yes, don’t be frightened, but—free of refined grains and processed sugars—my specter’s spread is also quite healthy. Mwa ha ha ha ha!

SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO JOIN ME AT MY VICTIM’S TABLE, (AND I SINCERELY HOPE YOU DO), HERE’S WHAT I’LL BE SERVING ON HALLOWEEN:

Do you desire a copy of this monstrous menu for your very own? Crafty corpse brides and headless huntsmen playing along at home, this menu is available for print! — CLICK HERE FOR .PDF — It’ll be a scream!

FYI fonts used (and available for free download) include: Bloody, Bones and Ill October.

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Next in the Halloween Dinner Menu series? Join me as I dive right in … into the cranium of some poor clown, that is. Clown Braaaaains!, a shuddersome carrot salad—if you’re my guest, well, it’s what’s for dinner. And trust me, there is nothing funny about that.