The other day an old friend called, asked how I was doing.
“Married? Kids?” Dan inquired.
“Divorced. Cats.” I replied.
You know, growing up I believed I could be anything. One crisp and crunchy fall, fascinated by the change of seasons, I decided I’d become a scientist. My life’s work would be to explain why birch leaves turn from green to yellow, (the answer of course being that they were magic). At times I also fancied becoming a librarian, a novelist, and a grocery store clerk—the latter of which inexplicably intrigues me to this day.
When I was 15, I decided I’d become a World Traveler. I applied for, and was accepted into the Rotary Youth Exchange, a highly competitive program that thrusts goody-two-shoes like me into the far reaches of the earth. In my case, that meant Japan. Konnichiwa.
When I was 19 I worked the halls of the United States Senate as an intern for the Alaskan Senator, Frank Murkowski, and shortly thereafter I became the first graduate of Wasilla High School to attend a small college in Blacksburg, Va. called Virginia Tech.
I always believed I could be whatever I wanted because my parents never let me know any better. Not once did they place limitations on me … except for that time I declared I was going to be a nun. Impossible! they said. Mostly because we weren’t Catholic.
One thing I never wanted to be was divorced. Truth be told—though he forced my hand, refused to end the affair even after I said I could forgive, refused to break it off even after I caught him half-dressed in a hotel with Her, and still could forgive—I don’t think Blake ever did either. At our dissolution hearing he gifted me a Tiffany bracelet, the one I’d begged for every Christmas the seven years we’d been together. I guess prior to our divorce, I wasn’t a worthy recipient, he respected me so little. In that sad courthouse setting, the silver chain with its heart-shaped charm sparkled. It was amazing, the bracelet’s splendor juxtaposed amongst the heartbreak rubble of room full of people who became—at a judge’s sentencing—something they never really wanted to be.
So here I am today, divorced with cats. And you know what? I’m loving what is. My days of caring for an ungrateful and disinterested spouse over, I wouldn’t change a thing. Truly.
Plus now that I’m single, it’ll be way easier to join a convent. I’ve just got to work on that conversion.
As usual, my dear, you speak volumes of truth and wrap it up in a bittersweet, beautiful package. I’m on a similar path… to what I never wanted to be… and seeing that you’ve done it, and come out of it even better than before… is an inspiration to me.
Thank you.
I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. And if you asked me 5-10 years ago if I’d be where I am right now, I’d have told you to eff off. Actually maybe like 10-15, but still. Life is weird, and we’re just on this strange journey that we have very little control over.
I could sit here and say I understand what you mean when you say you are something you never wanted to be, but you already know that. (Solidaire!) We’re members of a club that, in a perfect world, shouldn’t exist at all.
What I really want to say is that you are beautiful, inside and out, and your life is beautiful, because you made it that way. You radiate confidence and hope and you took an impossible situation, and rose far far above it.
Also, I think you should move to Portland, so that we can wander trails and drink hot chai and watch as our lives unfold into something even more amazing than we ever could have imagined.
I wonder, sometimes, what would happen if it all suddenly just…fell apart, you know? This is exactly what I needed to hear today – that it all turns out for the best, and that it’s possible to be looking forward to something better in the face of all the shiz you went through. PREACH!
I’m a lot of things I never wanted to be in my life…. but as I look in the mirror, I remember that there’s a big difference between wanting and needing.
A lot of times, places and people will need you to be something you never imagined yourself being. The key is needing to be the right you…
And that, my dear hannikins, is something I’m confident you’re doing.
I think you are emerging even stronger than before and I can’t say it enough, I’m so glad you’re back to the world of blogging. Your entries are always so eloquent, I too feel like I”m trying to figure out what’s going on in life and what I want to be when I grow up. Just remember someone in VA loves and misses you tons!
What a wonderful, beautiful and eloquent woman you are. Dad & I wanted you to have butterfly wings, not be stuck on the ground. The price was letting you go, by not holding on too tight. Love you.
I can’t believe that you were able to forgive him after catching him with her. And I’m glad you’re no longer with him. You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone that respects you. Everyone does.
i hope you pawned that bracelet by now.