In another life I was married. And in that life, late one night, I received a phone call. “Hello,” said the woman’s voice, “I’m calling to tell you your husband is my boyfriend. All those times he said he was working out of town, he was with me. I was with him on Halloween and then on New Years. Thanksgiving he spent with my family. We were together on your birthday. And I was with him last night when you called. I just thought you should know.”
—-
Grief.
I plunged my head underwater. The tears kept falling even though I was facedown in the tepid tub. My only wish was not for strength or solace-for things that would make me well-but that the water streaming down my face would fill my lungs instead.
—-
Hope.
“I went a whole day without crying,” I told Susan, my therapist. “This marks a shift. I’ve been noticing a lot lately that I’m not who I used to be. I don’t blog any more-I don’t even think to do it. I spend more time praying than I ever have. I don’t have any favorite TV shows and I never watch movies. I have replaced my sneakers with spike heels and sweatshirts with designer denim. My circle of friends has gotten very small. Six months ago I was hysterically talking to anyone I could. Most days now I only talk to Mom and I am disappointed when I call and she’s not there.”
Susan, ever the professional, merely nodded a response. Her eyes betrayed her clinical demeanor though–I saw a flash of happy in them.
—-
Healing.
About a year ago I started to come out of my depression. I had accepted my circumstances-that my marriage was over and I was truly alone for the first time in my adult life-and I embraced it. In a journal entry I wrote that I was beginning to think that I’d reached the light at the end of the tunnel. For so long I’d prayed that God would let me feel good again, that I’d get out of the black and back into happiness. I cried, I wrote, because I’d finally gotten there.
In another life I was married. And in that life, late one night, I received a phone call. And for that call-for the awful catalyst that transformed me from a dull, complacent pupa resigned to the false security of a wedding band and suburban dwelling, into a beautiful butterfly queen, determined to walk by my own light, living and loving deliberately-I am eternally grateful.
To borrow from John Mayer, I’m in repair. I’m not together but I’m getting there.
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20 comments to “Butterfly Queen”
You deserve so much better than that. I’m glad you managed to wade through the muck. You truly are a beautiful and wonderful person.
!!!!!
I could go on and on about YOU and this subject and the love and respect and happiness i have for you… but in lots of ways I already have… so just know you know where my heart is.
!!!! butterfly queen indeed, Hännipie.
Smooches and Hugs to the beautiful girl in repair. You are amazing and wonderful. It’s inspiring to see you heal so wonderfully. I’m so glad to know you.
Cindy and I are SO happy for you and always so grateful for your friendship.
Miss you and love you. take care, friend.
fly little butterfly. be free!!
Wow. Awesome post. You’re awesome.
You have always been a great writer. Thanks for sharing. Take care of yourself!
Love, Love, Love.
What a beautiful and honest look into everything you’ve been going through and over coming!
“living and loving deliberately…”
Amen, sister. Live it up, love it up, and enjoy your life. You’re doing a great job.
Damn. I hope that post was a freeing to write as it was to read. You’re on the right track, that’s evident. I know alone. I’ve been alone. Horribly, gut-wrenchingly-no friends-no support-no love type alone. One you realize the beauty that “alone” brings as well as a freeing sense of self-discovery you are able to realize that it may have actually done more good than harm? Make sense? Maybe not. I think you get it. Wait, I know you get it.
Keep on keepin’ on Girl.
Am now crying. And I love (you, and) that picture of you. Here’s to always moving forward, taking strength and sense of self where you can find it, purposefully and beautifully.
Dear Hanni – I appreciate what you have been through. This is a tribute to the very strong woman that you have become and sends a message to others that life is not over when you have been so wronged. CC
Gorgeous post. Gorgeous picture. Gorgeous girl.
(Gorgeous bag!)
i love you sis!! i’m so glad that you are free of the pain,i truely believe that life is what you make it and for those who have seen joe dirt “you like to see homo’s naked…….” ya i’m definitely your sis..hee
life is beautiful and i’m soooo sooo glad your my sister.
so much love for you!!
spanktra
I got divorced last year, similar situation, but genders reversed…..GOOD FOR YOU, why change your life for a sh*t who did something terrible to you. I have a beautiful new Fiancee (Latin) who takes care of me as I do for her..don’t short yourself out, get what YOU want..you look like a great find…peace.
Chef Tony
and then you came to Texas and life began to ROCK! Going to SxSW this year? “I WANT SOME CRACK!” ok – Inside joke there. Yeah, I’m going through and reading your ancient entries. So what of it?!