Posts published during October, 2007

18 comments

October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween Y’all

Borrowed blonde wig and baby doll: free
Family-size bag of cheetos: $3
Last-season fishnets from TJ Maxx: $4
Blowing out the crotch on your cheap-ass tights (while at work) and realizing your Britney Spears costume is now entirely authentic: priceless

Happy Halloween Y’all

xoxo Britney, bitch.

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6 comments

October 24, 2007

Rockstar Brother *Will Not* Be Amused By This

A friend wrote something that made me recoil in horror.

In a post about sibling rivalry, she mentioned one sister had kicked the other sister in the neck.

Who the eff kicks their sibling, the flesh-of-their-flesh, blood-of-their-blood in the FREAKING NECK?!

…

I’ve always preferred the crotch.

Just ask my brother, the eunuch.

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7 comments

October 15, 2007

Hip Hop Hooray?

Two things:

1. Michael Jackson is a pimp
2. I might be a lesbian

Halloween is only two weeks away and in the spirit of scary shit, I’m taking a hip hop class. For anyone who’s seen me dance (re: shuffle sideways, shoulders slumped, booty bobbing), you know this is truly frightening.

I am learning the choreography to Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

I’m not really good at most of the moves. The body-roll bewilders me and my monster stomp is seriously shameful. I can barely kick left, lunge right and my twitch leaves something to be desired.

But it’s not all bad. I am exceptionally good at this:
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Basically all it requires is that I shuffle sideways, shoulders slumped, booty bobbing.

And that’s a beautiful (albeit visually disturbing) thing).

So that’s how things are in hop hop class.

And oh yeah! I totally have a girl-crush on my instructor. She’s got a real hot bod, and I hope she wears spandex to class next week.

Me, I will be wearing … my ass out!

Hip Hop—like life and my boney butt–is hard. (Just ask Prince Reggie K.)

14 comments

October 12, 2007

My Brother Called Me Today

During the course of our conversation he said two very interesting things:

1. Scientists have discovered the world is indeed flat
2. Girls with short hair are bitches

Obviously he was only right about one of two things.
…

Everyone knows planets are *not* shaped like pancakes.

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2 comments

October 9, 2007

It’s Not A Party Until Someone Loses Their Pants

This weekend I went to a party in San Antonio. The lovely Girl Ferret turned 27, and accordingly the lovely Girl Ferret’s lovely girl friend (the notorious Hä.N.Ni) turned green. Yes kids, much merry–and mixed drink—making was had.

Don’t worry about me though. It is true that someone, after seven vodka shots, fell asleep on the dog bed caressing Girl Ferret’s black lab. That someone was not me. (Surprising, I know). The pupply snuggler in question was Girl Ferret’s affable roomie, Craig. I guess when Craig goes to bed he likes it doggie style …

But I digress.

As for me, I haven’t spooned a bitch since college… God I miss Smug Ellie.

And I also miss my college boyz. Why just today I got an email from one of the bros. Included was a thoughtful jpg attachment of our friend Larry Leve.

This made me want to tell the boyz how much I miss them.

It made me want to explain how much their friendship has meant to me.

It made me want to tell them, come what may, I’ve got their back.

It made me want to tell them lots of things.

But mostly it made me want to tell them: dudes when someone yells ‘Let’s get this party started,’ it’s not a cue to take off your pants and don your girlfriend’s mini skirt…especially if you haven’t shaved…like ever.

…

That shit’s supposed to happen only AFTER seven shots of vodka. Once you’re done spooning the pooch.