My Boyfriend Got Married … And Not To Me
September 5th, 2007It was a sultry summer evening. The air in that southern town hung thick and humid, enveloping all in a dewy embrace. The young and beautiful moved languorously through the steamy streets. The strips of their clothing concealed nipples, groins, and not much else.
I wasn’t looking to fall in love that night. I was already a kept woman with a man and two cats at home.
I wasn’t looking to lose myself in those big, brown kohl-lined eyes. I was merely trying to escape the heat on the streets.
And so it happened that I followed the throngs into an air-conditioned club. It was there, amidst Abercombie Angels and the devils they dated, that I first laid eyes on G.
And he was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.
Ghostly pale with rosebud mouth and dark, tousled hair, I was instantly smitten. From the moment I glimpsed my lovely G., my body reacted. My fingers tingled, my mouth went dry, somewhere synapses fired, and in the pit of my stomach, butterflies swarmed.
More than a chemical response, my reaction to G. was a chemical romance.
A My Chemical Romance.
…
OK, so if you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you know I love boys who wear makeup. And my very favorite boy who wears makeup is Gerard Way, super sexy lead singer of post-hardcore screamo emo outfit, My Chemical Romance.
I lurve him.
I want to have his babies.
I want to make his breakfink.
I want to very carefully, sweetly, and softly, pressing into his taut flesh—drops of perspiration rolling off our bodies—black his deep, dark eyes with a MAC crayon.
Because nothing says loving like artfully applied guyliner. Yum!
And so, for two years Gerard and I have been intimately involved—if only in my organic-raisin-addled brain—in a wonderful relationship. So sexy in hot pants in horror makeup, Gerard is my rock star boyfriend.
Or at least he was … until today.
Now some west coast queen is reporting that Geeheart’s a rock star husband. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s not married to me.
Shee-yit.
Oh well. I guess that marriage was inevitable. After all, they say the good ones are either gay or taken. And we know he’s not gay. I know how to turn ‘em, and we haven’t even dated yet.
Hanni at Hannihaus dot com
hanniluvsu
hannibehr
September 5th, 2007
could be worse, could have been a cool guy who wears makeup like Peter Criss.
okay, so maybe he’s not cool. Vince Neil used to wear makeup. no again eh? maybe Dee Snider?
wait, i’ve got it - Rob Halford wore makeup once. oh wait, he’s gay.
well, hopefully a new makeup wearing pretty boy will swoon into your life again.
September 5th, 2007
Moosey EATS makeup…. does that count?
hmm.. probably a little too young for you, huh? yeah.. best we keep things legal.
anyways.. you don’t want to be that chick. her girlfriend takes bad pictures….
xxoo
missed you!
September 6th, 2007
Sorry to have been the barer of such bad news
but rest assured it will only last about 3 months. This is a rock star we’re talking about after all.
September 6th, 2007
Sorry to hear love!
Oh well, there are plenty of other Rock Stars in the sea…
September 7th, 2007
Hanni! I thought of you when I saw My Chem on the tour in Charlotte a month ago. My sister and I went insane when G. Way came out. While I can’t claim to love him nearly as much as you, I do think he’s pretty rad.
I hope he comes back to you. You two would make the perfect rock star couple.
Hope you’re doing well!
September 10th, 2007
Damnit! Who the hell is that that looks so much like Yogi Bear on a bender in the foreground? If that chick hangs around as the third, annoying wheel… it’ll be over before they start popping out any kids. He’ll still be ripe for making kiddies with somebody else! Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
September 10th, 2007
P.S.
I find it amusing that these are the ads google paired with the last post…
Date and Screw my Wife
Find Unhappily Married Wife for Sex Instantly Search In Your Area
Meet lonely housewives
Real lonely housewives Search 1000s of local ads.
Those made me giggle like a little school boy.
September 12th, 2007
Last night Chris and I watched Perez’s VHI special wherein he “covered” the VMAs. I don’t know what it is about that boy, but he makes me laugh. I think it might have something to do with the ever-changing spray-on hair colors. Or maybe the way he talked Mandy Moore into spouting off a slew of profanity and almost licking a stripper pole.
(Hi! doll.)
September 15th, 2007
Have you thought about gazing across the pond? I think Noel Fielding is really quite yummy.
September 19th, 2007
Hey Hanni! Happy to see you’re posting again.
Just thought that after years of reading your blog, it was time to return the favour and share MY blog with YOU. Well…I suppose it’s a combined effort blog…my 26 kids plus a Mr. Nash. lol.
We’ve got heaps of stuff posted there already…hurray for podcasting and blogging with 6 and 7 year olds. We’re striving to be as good as Kermit the Frog in Sesame Street’s ‘NewsFlash’ so we’re going pretty hard-out right now upskilling ourselves. lol.
Check it out at:
http://www.hobsonville.blogspot.com
September 27th, 2007
That picture looks like a protoshop nightmare gone awry. A boot would fit in that mouth. Nice to see you writing again and I do look forward to seeing what you could potentially write after living the last year. After all, you are a writer and getting better at it.
Love, Popi
September 30th, 2007
Hannibear? Is that you? Doth my eyeballs deceive me? What an awful state to find you in. So so sad. I had no idea. I have short hair - you can come put eyeliner on me…if that might help. I’m sure it won’t, but at least I’m putting forth the effort!