Nucking Futz
December 6th, 2006So one thing Bro Bro and I did during the Tofurkey Day holiday was drink some California wine. It was awesome because wine is my new hobby.
Yes I’ve decided I need some so-fiss-ti-kay-shun in my life. Mostly because I recently figured out that Angel’s daily declaration of “Hänni, crack kills!” is not a commentary on narcotics and necrosis, but rather a heads up that my butt’s hanging out my blue jeans.
And apparently this is a common occurrence. Ref: my coworker who told me today—after discussing the Angel ass-crack epiphany—”oh honey, we’ve all seen your undies.”
And then I decided to change my name to Super Mario, as it’s obvious I have a serious case of perpetual plumber’s butt.
But I digress.
So yeah I’m just learning about wine. But Bro Bro has been studying the vino for a while because he lives in California. And Californians love the wine.
You know what else Californian’s love? Almonds.
Did you know 80% of the domestic crop comes from California? It’s true. I read that on CNN. There was an article about how some dude got busted for stealing 400K worth of almonds.
That’s a lot of freaking almonds. I don’t know why you’d steal that much, except if you wanted to make like 100 million almond joys or a massive vat of marzipan or something.
In any event, the dude who stole the goods is probably going to jail for being an almond thief.
Which is only slightly better than being a grape smuggler.
What is a grape smuggler, you ask? Well it’s not someone who sneaks around in vineyards. It’s a dude who wears his pants so tight his Christmas bulbs splay sideways.
And while you can’t be jailed for grape smuggling, a crime is clearly committed—a crime against fashion.
I personally think almond thieves and grape smugglers should be treated with equivalent recourse. After all, they’re practically the same thing.
Both are reprehensible. And both deal in nuts.
Hanni at Hannihaus dot com
hanniluvsu
hannibehr
December 6th, 2006
Shouldn’t that be called grape SNUGGLING?
December 6th, 2006
Lordy lordy lordy lordy lordy lordy…. Grape smuggler eh? EEEEEEeeeeeeewwwww. Add a new one to the list. Let’s see, there’s “chicken neck,” “whale tail,” “muffin top”… am I missing any?
December 7th, 2006
Hanni - you are my writing hero and blogger goddess! DAMN you’re funny!
December 7th, 2006
i call it plum smuggling
December 7th, 2006
haha that was an awsome post sister! i am the exact same way with my pants..it drives matt crazy but he doesnt tell me quite like your angel face does he just tells me that my crack is showing but i know he likes it!! haha who wouldnt..j/k
much love!!
December 7th, 2006
If a man wears his pants so tight that i can tell what religion he is, he deserves a ticket.
The only good thought is that maybe it will make him sterile.
December 7th, 2006
gary–no b/c snuggling is cute and nice and there’s nothing cute and/OR nice about seeing some dude’s cash and prizes, at least when you’re seeing them involuntarily.
paddymick–how about “moobs“? I like moobs–the word at least.
Amber–you are my writing goddess and blogger hero.
smug ellie–at first I was like WTF?, but then I did a visualization and now it makes sense. As does the vomit that’s rising up my throat.
spanky–Sis if crack kills, then we are one deadly-ass duo.
meno–yes, lets call it natural selection for our modern age. Can we get K-Fed a pair of grape smugglers?
December 7th, 2006
raisin smuggling is what they call it when its so cold out your nips are REALLY poking out!
and if this guy was only smuggling grapes i feel sorry for his significant other.
December 7th, 2006
Awesome post, as always. First, I was caught off guard and laughed aloud at “grape smuggling”. I suppose I should have seen it coming, but I was busy fantasizing about all that marzipan. But then “some dude’s cash and prizes” got me again. Damn you! I’ll be on the lookout next time.
December 8th, 2006
I worked in the wine industry for a long time. It was a good education. I realized that all of the mystique and snobbery is really to induce normal people to part with hugely inflated sums to stroke their egos.
I had a swimming partner whose husband had a small boutique winery. They went to a wine auction to sell some of their wine. While she was in the bathroom, he spent $1200 on 6 bottles of French burgundy…She said “Honey! IT IS A BEVERAGE!!” which I thought was pretty funny.
December 9th, 2006
it’s been awhile since i’ve chimed in but mmm wine! at first i wanted to be a connoisseur, but soon realized that a 5-liter boxed wine for $8.99 is pretty tasty too. you should see that movie Sideways if you haven’t already…
December 10th, 2006
Hanni, you are too much. Please know i had great difficulty in typing this message on the morn after my b’day party (Jonkers and co are passed out upstairs =D) and i am cheerfully laughting at your blog! Teehee!
December 10th, 2006
first when you were talking about wine I was all.. “oh, hey.. I can talk about wine!!!” then the crack talk I was still hanging in there… but honey….
I gotta draw the line in talking about bag ‘o nuts. It makes me think about the time in FL I was working at victoria’s secret and a guy tried on a teddy and walked out of the dressing room with only PARTS of himself tucked away. my eyes still burn to this day.
December 13th, 2006
LOL! Great post…..again
tea
xo
December 13th, 2006
what about that fruit of the loom guy, he’s going to jail for a long, long time…ironic he represents an underwear company too…the truth is out there or something
August 22nd, 2007
i am not originally from Caliornia but i do know that all Californians HATE almonds because my cousin did a poll for it. Sike no really they do they are like some kinda freakz or sumthin HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love always,
Heaven’s little angel! ( lol xoxoxoxoxo)