So one thing Bro Bro and I did during the Tofurkey Day holiday was drink some California wine. It was awesome because wine is my new hobby.

Yes I’ve decided I need some so-fiss-ti-kay-shun in my life. Mostly because I recently figured out that Angel’s daily declaration of “Hänni, crack kills!” is not a commentary on narcotics and necrosis, but rather a heads up that my butt’s hanging out my blue jeans.

And apparently this is a common occurrence. Ref: my coworker who told me today—after discussing the Angel ass-crack epiphany—”oh honey, we’ve all seen your undies.”

And then I decided to change my name to Super Mario, as it’s obvious I have a serious case of perpetual plumber’s butt.

But I digress.

So yeah I’m just learning about wine. But Bro Bro has been studying the vino for a while because he lives in California. And Californians love the wine.

You know what else Californian’s love? Almonds.

Did you know 80% of the domestic crop comes from California? It’s true. I read that on CNN. There was an article about how some dude got busted for stealing 400K worth of almonds.

That’s a lot of freaking almonds. I don’t know why you’d steal that much, except if you wanted to make like 100 million almond joys or a massive vat of marzipan or something.

In any event, the dude who stole the goods is probably going to jail for being an almond thief.

Which is only slightly better than being a grape smuggler.

What is a grape smuggler, you ask? Well it’s not someone who sneaks around in vineyards. It’s a dude who wears his pants so tight his Christmas bulbs splay sideways.

And while you can’t be jailed for grape smuggling, a crime is clearly committed—a crime against fashion.

I personally think almond thieves and grape smugglers should be treated with equivalent recourse. After all, they’re practically the same thing.

Both are reprehensible. And both deal in nuts.