It’s happened again.
I totally busted out of my pants. Last week, after cinching a little too tight, my belt snapped clean in half. And in the aftermath only rubble, butt crack and the stares of my incredulous co-workers survived.
Because of course, this happened in the office.
I’m not sweating it though. When you’re thin around the middle, but you’ve got much back these things tend to happen, which is why I never blink an eye … or go commando.
But yeah, something did occur in the workplace that I actually found disconcerting.
Someone left kryptonite in the break room. And by kryptonite I mean homemade chocolate chip cookies. And by homemade chocolate chip cookies I mean, I homemade them get in my mouth. Like real fast. Like dangerously fast.
And oh yeah, also someone told me they found my blog.
…
Now I don’t give two figs if my co-workers find the haus. I’m not one of those doom-and-gloomers who are afraid to post for fear that the boss will read about my friend’s big balls , my date with the masterbaiter, or my ass-licking cats.
No, I’m not bothered when my co-workers read my blog.
I’m bothered by their reaction.
“Hänni,” they inevitably gush, “you’re soooo funny.”
They say it like it’s a surprise. They act like archeologists; they googled for gold and found fart jokes.
And I should be flattered, but the truth is every time this happens—and it happens a lot—I kind of get miffed. If everyone thinks I’m so funny after they’ve read my blog, then I have to wonder, what did they think before?
Did they think I was boring, lukewarm or lame? Did they think I lacked spirit, sass or charm? Did they believe I had an unnatural obsession with bootys, burritos, and boys who wear makeup?
… Because if they thought the last three things, they’d be right.
But yeah, I have *no idea* what people think of me IRL. I could go back and forth, describing interactions to the most minute detail.
… But the truth is I’m no good at splitting hairs. Let’s face it–my expertise is in splitting pants.
Fart jokes on Google FTMFW!!!! I have a problem where my boss always decides its a good time to come talk to me in my office right after I let one rip. And those damn glade wisps never cover the smell fast enough. And its a good thing you didnt see our break room today, we had homemade carrot cake.
But people probably think you are very innocent, at least that how you appeared to me at first. So its probably surprising to see what you write about on here to co-workers who didn’t realize this side of you existed.
I think “Google for gold, find fart jokes” should be incorporated into your masthead. That would make you seem even funnier. (Totally kidding, of course.) How can they not sense the true depths of your hilarity when you can bust your britches and keep smiling.
Also, the long promised mail is actually officially on its way. No, it’s not riding around in my car desparately longing to be mailed. It has found a loving if temporary home with the USPS.
before i started reading your blog, i thought you were really bland.
or wait, i think that’s someone else i was thinking of because i don’t really know you.
Can they fire you for splitting your pants?
Before i started reading your blog………i didn’t know you existed.
I never know what to say when people tell me that i’m so funny. I want to tell them it’s because they are sooo dull, but that would be mean, right?
Keep your pants on.
I think it’s all the organic foods you keep around that throw them for a loop. I mean… Date rolls and organic raisens, while scrumptiously delicious… oh, I dunno… maybe they give the image of ‘regular’?
and when you’re all busy every day with your own versions of Golden Corall (sp? but man, that’s STILL the funniest story ever) who has time to be funny?
or at least maybe that’s what people think. I dunno. personally, you had me at the MiMi rips. and date rolls. damn they were good!
oh, and btw… you must remember that I HAVE no real life, and tend not to think so much, so never mind what I say. except the bit about the date rolls. seriously… viva la date rolls!
I think you should take the Kryptonite analogy even further to potentially answer this one. Before the blog discovery you, to them, are Clark Kent. Cool and smart and haht in a geeky sort of way. But then, when they discover your site: You are Superman! Or, you know, Superwoman!
Think: A Hanni free from all societal and work-related restraints. No glasses (metaphorically), hair let down, tight suit bulging with biceps of wit and wisdom and stories about emo rockers, and the ability to leap large pixels in a single bound.
(end long-winded Kryptonite analogy. but see? i think it works.)
DaReaVeRoFBiTs–I have a problem where my boss always decides its a good time to come talk to me in my office right after I let one rip. And those damn glade wisps never cover the smell fast enough.
Can I just tell you how happy I am that though we’re employed by the same company, our offices are like a thousand miles apart?
stampydurst–Evil geniuses think alike! I was at the post office this weekend to mail you something too. Of course when I got there it was closed, so that sucked. Oh yeah, and it means you probably won’t get my junx for a while. But there again, knowing how USPS is, I probably won’t be getting mine for a while either!
mmat–I don’t know you IRL? Well that’s unfortunate b/c I just hired some guy (apparently not you) who I call the “Cat Whisperer” to talk to Stinxy and Belle about inappropriate touching. Despite what they think, it is *not* okay to launch themselves on my ass when I’m bent over, yoga-style in downward facing dog at 5 in the morning.
Erin–If keeping my job was contingent upon *not* splitting my pants, I’d probably be chronically unemployed.
meno–So I’m not the only one who’s “funny on paper” I guess. *Whew* Uh … I mean, condolences.
Cze-Johnson Carrie–Indeed, with snacks like almond date rolls lining my pantry, I am nothing if not regular. However, I’d like to think my *personality* is a little more exciting than my bowel movements.
kerrianne–Good anology, but I have to say when I read “tight suit bulge” and then “emo rockers”, I thought of Gerard and became distracted. (He’s been alleged to stuff a sock in his girl jeans a time or two. Ooh la la!)
I knew you were funny even before I read your blog. I saw it on a restroom wall: “For a good time, read Hanni”.
I’ve always known you have a talent for being witty and funny! There are days where I need your kind of humor and really wished you and Blake still lived in Va!
Mom-101 had a great button she made and handed out at BlogHer: “I’m much funnier on my blog.”