On making friends and influencing embarrassing people
One thing I always try to do when moving to a new town is act real cool. Now that I’m in Texas, project Act Real Cool is in full effect.
So the other day, when I went to a local grocery called H.E.B. I tried to keep it discreet while making bedroom eyes at the organic produce. And I curbed my enthusiasm, pretended I was laid back chillin’ when I found energy-efficient compact fluorescents at a killer price. And when I saw hormone-free beef and lamb in the same cold case, I feigned nonchalance, even though inside I was all “holy crap!” “eureka!” and “santa maria!”
As I moseyed the aisles in search of Newman’s Own organic raisins, my mind started to work. What did “H.E.B.” stand for anyway? Silently, I composed a list of possibilities:
- Hairspray Endears Bears
- Half Eagle Biscuit
- Have Eh Beer
- Happy Elephant Britches
- Hot Eskimo Booty
- Hänni Enjoys Borscht
An hour-and-a-half later when I got to the checkout and the clerk rang up my items, I had a sudden realization.
And that realization was not that H.E.B. stood for “Hair-E-Buttocks” … although that would’ve been awesome.
No dear hannihaus readers, standing in a store that may or may not be called “Horny Eel Boogie,” I realized that instead of making acronyms, my time would’ve been better spent making sure I’d brought money.
Because I didn’t.
(Of course.)
—–
Here I am now, entertain me. After doing some research I now know that H.E.B. stands for “Here Everything’s Better,” but that’s kind of lame. Why don’t you, dear hannihaus reader, make me an acronym? Tell me in comments, what could H.E.B. stand for?
It has been a while since I checked in and I did not realized you moved. Best of luck to you.
Hairy elongated balls.
william–oh my sweet lord.
Hos Eat Balls
I am sorry the move was difficult, but it’s not my fault ’cause i wished you luck.
Hank Exfoliates Boldly.
Hasten Every Buffalo.
Hoard Evergreen Burlap.
Hippies Equally Botanical.
Humpbacks Eat Barnacles.
Hänni Employed Hotness.
(This is too much fun.)
Hope Everyone Buys!
meno–I absolve you of any responsibility in the moving snafu. Partly because you’re a well wisher, but mostly because your H.E.B. is totally nastay–and I love that.
Kerrianne–You are too much fun.
Paddymick–win!
Horny Elephant Boner.
Hellish Evil Buttsauce.
Horking Elf Baths.
i know this might sound stupid but if u have ever hung with hanni after she does this than u know she is deadly.
hanni eats beans.. hee
Hocking Evil Boogers?
I sure wish it stood for Hair-E-Buttocks. hee hee
Glad you’re all moved. How’s the fam adjusting? I’ve been waiting for a good “Bella & Sphynx do Dallas” story or something. Hope you’re having a blast in the lone star state.
Holy-Eggplant-Batman!
Hope your move went well. Moving sucks!
xoxo
Having Eh Blast! Or not – it sounds like the move was a little rough miss thang! Keep us posted on your new city
how about…
hanni enjoys boobies!
hes eating bananas
hoe eats boogers
howd everything blowup?
have em burnt!
hope everyone burps!
ok i think im done for now… i might need to actually work today or just have eh beer!
and your acronym
HFTMFRW – hanni for the mutah fuckin retarded win!
THEM – the haus escapes me!
REACH – retards entered and converted hanni!
Actually, you are a lot closer than you think. It is named for the founder, a gentleman named H.E.Butts.
H.E.B. is an excellent store for price, and most of their stuff is good quality. Their best location is near downtown Houston. It is quite a store. I even did a post about it. Try to find out if there is a Whole Foods Market anywhere near you. They have a lot of organic and gourmet foods, though their prices aren’t as good as H. E. B.
Help Eating Burritos
Harm Every Beaver
Harvest Evil Botulism
That is all.
I’m glad you made it there ok and everything went well. I wonder how many people you angered by not having money. Smooth!
I used to play this game online called Acrophobia, you get an acronym and you type in as many sentences as you possibly can within a time limit, then everyone votes of everyone else’s sentences. I used to be really good at it, and your question reminded me of it. The good old days of college!
Hanni Exudes Beauty
I’m a big fat kiss ass! That and I’m just buttering you up so I can take you down when you finally declare that you’re no longer Alaskan and you’re Texan – cuz that shit ain’t right.
And yes, your bro is SUCH a loser! But cha gotta luv em!
Glad your move went well. Maybe if I ever make it to Texas I’ll come visit all of my big lake buddies (aka kir)!
Welcome to Texas.
It took me forever to get over the fact that the “B” in HEB actually *does* stand for “Butt”, and that WORSE, it’s somebody’s name.
And did you guys not have organic stuff in Florida? Seriously though, if there’s a Central Market or Whole Foods within driving distance of your house, make sure you find it. And bring some Depends, because you *will* wet yourself.
Orangepaas–That’s right you’re an Austin girl. Sweet! A quick google says that Whole Foods is sadly like thirty miles from me. BUT I haven’t checked out Central Market (whatever that is). I live in the shi shi suburbs, so I’d be surprised if we didn’t have one. And yes, there’s a bunch of organic stuff in Florida b/c there’s a bunch of hippies.
Waiting for the wee,
xoxoH
gotta go with Orangepaas and Gary…
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Howard E Butt is just pretty funny.
HEY HOWIE BUTT!
go find a central market…
oh and the grocery stores here in Florida suck. The produce is overpriced and most certainly not locally grown.
You’ll have to go find some of the peaches grown in and around Cleburne, Texas for a truly delicious Texan produce experience. Georgia has nothing on them.