Every couple months or so, I get a nastygram. Sometimes they’re warranted, most times—ref. the infamous Hänni Horseface— they’re not. And the topic that gets folks most hot and bothered is the assumption that I, your kind and gentle mistress, have an unfair bias.
Shhh, the critics say, George Bush may hate black people, but …
*gasp*
Hänni [...]

On a walk the other day, I crossed paths with an acquaintance. We’ll call this guy, Senor Pantalone.
Senor Pantalone has always struck me as strange. To start, he’s got this Charlie Brown face—completely nondescript and entirely featureless save for two black holes where his eyes should be. And when he walks, he often stumbles. It’s [...]

So y’all know I’m a pretty good writer, but …
I bet you didn’t know I could sing!
American Idol Cocktail Countdown karaoke—check me out! Ow ow!
Disclaimer: Although you may hear something that sounds like animals being tortured, nobodys cute, furry pet was harmed in the filming of this video. The only thing in danger here kids [...]

Alright kids it’s been 8 weeks of American Idol Cocktail Countdown madness and tonight it all come down to this …
I’m about to get retarded and it’s all your fault.
Your votes have been counted. The Internet has spoken. You wanted to get me wasted, so you chose Stephanie’s Coke Lobster to be the winner of [...]

Out with friends the other night, I met the most charming girl. Her name is Jody and she is a 34-DD.
Now you may be asking yourself, why, pray tell, does Hänni know the cup size of a girl she just met?
Well, it’s not because I was checking her out or anything … Because I was [...]

Today marks the third time in six months that I have, at other’s requests, removed a post from this blog. The Ghost Post—like its twin predecessors—was deemed to be “Too Hot for the Haus” by people I love IRL.
And while I may be good at quite a few things—Re: googling my own name, eating organic [...]

And that post probably took me like three hours to write.
And that post was awesome, except for one thing—it didn’t exist.
Nope, you didn’t read anything here.
You’re just mentally confused.
(And that’s why you visit the haus in the first place.)
God bless you and good day.
—–
Drinks in the sidebar. You know what to do.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love Mom.
I just can’t say enough about the woman who bathed me, clothed me, and—advancing my lifetime fascination with flatulence—taught me to sing about beans, beans the musical fruit.
Yes, while other moms were singing oh-so-sweet lullabies to their four-year-olds, mine was trilling about tooting …
And [...]

Yesterday my baby sister, Spanky made a plea in comments that I *not* participate in the American Idol Cocktail Countdown.
And she’s right. As a New Age Mama/hardcore Nutrition Nazi, the *last* thing I should do is flood my veins with alcohol.
After all, I hear shooting organic raisins intravenously is much more fun.
But yeah, I love [...]

The other day FancyPants and I were talking about how marriage is the new dating. We decided courtship is dead—society stuck a knife in its big, bursting heart and served it cold with some fava beans and a nice Chianti …
M.C.: ruining romance for everyone
And then, as her big ass is used to doing, Mariah [...]